Mockingbird Lane (2012 TV Movie)
Herman Munster: Eddie knows I'm lying to him.
Grandpa: He can smell your deceit. You've never raised a werewolf. I have.
Herman Munster: Have you raised one successfully?
Grandpa: My son Leslie was born covered in hair. I knew exactly how to raise him.
Herman Munster: You hired nannies to raise him, and then you let him eat the nannies.
Grandpa: That's what they were hired for.
Herman Munster: I know exactly how to raise Eddie.
Grandpa: You were never a Munster until I made you a Munster. Eddie was born one. There's nothing you have done or can do as a parent that will change that.
Real Estate Agent: [Car pulls up in front of a bright, pleasant, sunny house] May I ask why the sudden move?
Marilyn Munster: No.
Real Estate Agent: [Agent and Marilyn get out of car] All right. Well, this, it's an emotional property, ideal for any multi-generational family.
Marilyn Munster: We're not just any family.
Real Estate Agent: Well, the sun shines more on this house than any other house in the neighborhood.
Marilyn Munster: Not a feature we're looking for.
[Turns and looks across the street at a dark, shadowed, rambling mansion]
Marilyn Munster: What about that one?
Real Estate Agent: It's a very emotional property for entirely different reasons. The former owner was a notorious serial killer who poisoned hoboes.
Marilyn Munster: I'll take it.
Real Estate Agent: It's not for sale. They're tearing it down.
Marilyn Munster: But they haven't yet.
Real Estate Agent: That's a horrible place. Horrible things happened there. They found dozens of graves in the backyard.
Marilyn Munster: Mm-hmmm.
Real Estate Agent: Well, maybe you could buy the lot once the grounds have been cleansed.
Marilyn Munster: My aunt and uncle prefer pre-cleansed.
Real Estate Agent: Miss, there may be dead homeless people in the walls.
Marilyn Munster: Then they found a home after all.
[Smiles at house, then look over shoulder at agent]
Lily Munster: I wonder if this would've happened sooner if I breastfed.
Herman Munster: I have to assume you're talking about Eddie.
Lily Munster: Evidently it's important.
Herman Munster: You were so nervous about holding him after what your sister did to Marilyn.
Lily Munster: Well, that was post-partum.
Grandpa: I preferred it when the village was further away and we had a moat.
Marilyn Munster: The best moats are made of good manners and filled with congeniality.
Grandpa: Then I shall make cookies.
Marilyn Munster: Cookies?
Marilyn Munster: I'm touched that you'd miss me.
Grandpa: Marilyn, I adore you. I was the one that talked your mother out of eating you.
Grandpa: There is an important intermediate step that we are missing here. The deer eats the grass and is itself eaten, and then the thing that ate it dies and fertilizes the ground so more grass can grow, so more deer can eat, and then... be eaten.
Marilyn Munster: But some deer can live long lives.
Marilyn Munster: Also, as an intermediary step, sometimes deer want to be eaten. They're depressed and lonely, so that lion's doing the deer a favor.
Eddie Munster: That deer didn't look depressed.
Marilyn Munster: No, I know. I thought I saw it smile.
Eddie Munster: Does anything eat the lion?
Marilyn Munster: Grandpa.
Grandpa: It's nature.
Steve: You have all made me feel so at home. I feel like I'm sitting down having dinner with my own family.
Grandpa: Part of you is.
Grandpa: Edward, stop playing with your food.
Eddie Munster: I will if you will.
Grandpa: That is a gross cliche, and it is beneath you.
Eddie Munster: [to Steve] My grandpa's gonna eat you.
Marilyn Munster: Is that happening tonight? Hmm?
Herman Munster: Steve, we will see you at the next Wildlife Explorer meeting.
Steve: Good night. And god bless.
Grandpa: [chuckles] Fat chance. See you later, Steve.
Lily Munster: Next full moon, you'll have a pet who'll watch over you, so you won't hurt yourself or anybody else.
Eddie Munster: Will it watch over you too?
Lily Munster: Yes, he'll watch over me too.
Eddie Munster: A dog can't stop a werewolf from eating somebody.
Herman Munster: This one can.
[Herman whistles and a dragon appears]
Eddie Munster: [pets dragon] Do I get to keep him?