Alan Johnson: Hey, hey, hey, Marco. How you going, good buddy?
Mark Corrigan: Yeah, great actually old pal.
Alan Johnson: Oh really? Cause I thought you might be feeling like a guy who's just walked into a high-class restaurant with a sausage dog on the end of his dick.
Mark Corrigan: Uh, no?
Alan Johnson: I got something up on my visual display unit this morning, Mark. I thought it was a high-definition photo of some dog shit. Then I took a closer look, and I realised it was actually your sales record.
Mark Corrigan: Oh, right.
Alan Johnson: I pulled strings to get you in, Mark. If you look like a sausage dog fucker, then I look like a sausage dog fucker. Do you get me?
Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] Got to get my dick out of the dog.
Jeremy Usborne: [discussing how they're going to kick Jerry out of Mark's apartment] What about going Litvinenko?
Mark Corrigan: Kill him? With polonium?
Jeremy Usborne: Not full Litvinenko. Just a little bit of something debilitating in his pasta each night. Grind him down, weaken him, till he's all pathetic, and you can just
[motions scooping Jerry up with his left hand]
Jeremy Usborne: scoop him up like a sick whippet and
[motions throwing Jerry away]
Jeremy Usborne: dump him.
Mark Corrigan: Um...
Jeremy Usborne: You might quite like tending him as he grows weaker and weaker.
Mark Corrigan: [acting out their scenario] "Here's your tea, Jerry. God, you must get better soon."
Jeremy Usborne: [acting out their scenario] "Oh, do sit up, Jerry, while I spoon you some more of this slightly silvery porridge."
Jeremy Usborne: Should I keep my voice down?
Mark Corrigan: No, he's an irritatingly sound sleeper. Ear plugs and eye mask, the full blot.
Jeremy Usborne: Well, we could start by just... moving his stuff out.
Mark Corrigan: No. No, we couldn't. Could we?
Jeremy Usborne: [looks at Mark mischieviously]
[In reference to Super Hans' stag do, hosted in a juice bar, where the guests are being urged to drink copious amounts of the stuff for hours on end]
Jeremy Usborne: [voiceover] This stag is one load of PG-rated, Disney-assed, Which? magazine-approved, childproof, high-vitamin, fucking bullshit.