As a string of mysterious killings grips Seattle, Bella, whose high school graduation is fast approaching, is forced to choose between her love for vampire Edward and her friendship with werewolf Jacob.
These movies are so bad that they make it difficult to sleep. I close my eyes and see sparkles like body glitter.
Anyway, was this supposed to be a romance? It seemed more like some kind of psychological thriller. Bella is clearly having a psychotic break in this movie because she is hallucinating all the time that her pasty ex- boyfriend is staring at her during times of extreme stress. So, naturally, she becomes some kind of thrill-seeker to get his attention. This includes jumping on motorcycles with strangers, riding a motorcycle by herself without a helmet and jumping off a cliff. She also spends months staring out of her window at the driveway and screaming in her sleep. Things have really changed since I was a teenager. I'd put on some Sade' for a couple of days after a breakup and I'd be over it. No cliff diving required.
This film introduces the third wheel in this 'love triangle' in the form of Jacob Black who I refuse to call a werewolf. Werewolves change once or twice a month under the light of a full moon or new moon. Hey! I get it now! What a clever title...except that they can change into cartoon wolves whenever they damn well feel like it so it has no bearing on the content of this 'movie' whatsoever! Sorry, I get a little grumpy when I don't sleep. Anyway, this tedious relationship is supposedly the focus of the movie even though she is clearly just leading poor Jacob on. There's something about the redhead vampire from the first movie, but don't worry about that. Bella has a new man in her life that she never has any intention of emotionally and/or physically being in a relationship with! Yay!
Anyway, that's enough about spoilers and bad writing. How does the film itself hold up, you might be asking theoretical reader? Damnit, that freak Bella has me talking to myself now, too! The score is a little more lively this time around but still pretty bland. The movie has a really jarring yellow color correction this time around as opposed to the pale blue of its predecessor. I'm hoping for a purple filter for the sequel. The acting is terrible. In one of the very first scenes of the movie (while they take a sledgehammer and hit the audience over the skull with Romeo & Juliet references), Charlie jokingly tells Bella she's pushing up a gray hair after she has a nightmare about being old. This should theoretically inspire panic or anger or amusement within this context, but Kristen Stewart flatly goes: 'No way' and checks the mirror without any notable change of expression.
This movie...I need to up my testosterone levels, excuse me while I go fist fight a bear or something. If you're a bad movie aficionado like me, get the Rifftrax like I did and have a good laugh. Otherwise, stay far away. You don't want to have to fight a bear with your bare hands, do you?
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