Cameron Tucker: There are dreamers and there are realists in this world. You'd think the dreamers would find the dreamers and the realists would find the realists, but more often than not the opposite is true. You see, the dreamers need the realists to keep them from soaring too close to the sun. And the realists, well without the dreamers, they might not ever get off the ground.
Haley Dunphy: Saying nothing is not lying, okay? It's just letting the truth speak for itself.
Alex Dunphy: This is not the time for moral equivocation.
Haley Dunphy: Okay, I don't know what that means, and also, don't tell me.
Alex Dunphy: You're the one who's going to lose her driving privileges. I don't know why you're so calm.
Haley Dunphy: All we have to do is keep it from mom until she goes to the store. Then, when she sees it, she'll assume that it happened there, which it did. So it's not really lying.
Alex Dunphy: Listen to you! Are you gonna be a career criminal?
Haley Dunphy: [scoffs] Oh, you sound like mom. I don't know what I'm gonna do after high school!
Alex Dunphy: Mom, I need to tell you something.
Claire Dunphy: What is it, honey?
Alex Dunphy: I distracted Haley while she was driving and we dented your car.
[Cameron fires a pumpkin from his slingshot; it sails across the football field and hits the dent in Claire's car]
Claire Dunphy: Well, girls, three more seconds and you would have gotten away with it.
Claire Dunphy: Honey, I love you, but...
Phil Dunphy: Honey, I love your "I love you", but I'm getting a little tired of your but. Yes, I heard it.
Claire Dunphy: Phil, why didn't you just put the extra leaves in the table?
Phil Dunphy: Trying to have some fun. Be creative.
Claire Dunphy: One long table, honey. If it was good enough for the Last Supper, it's good enough for us.
Phil Dunphy: Hey friend. You look like you had a rough day at the office.
Luke Dunphy: The stress from my job at the Robot Assassin Factory is too much to take. Aw, shoot me an aspirin, pal.
Phil Dunphy: Maybe someday. But until then, try this on for size. The real HeadScratcher features 32 patent pending nogginizers that gently massage your scalp. In a soothing purr of motorized delight.
Luke Dunphy: Wow. It feels great, and it looks good too. It's a real life saver.
Phil Dunphy: You mean, a real Head Scratcher?
Phil Dunphy: TM.
[Cameron wants to go to the football field to prove his "punkin chunkin" story is true]
Claire Dunphy: I did not just cook for eight hours so you people could run off to prove some asinine point that's only gonna make half of us feel bad.