Dr. Robert Chase: You know how I got interested in medicine? When my mother drank, she couldn't handle me, so she locked me in my father's study. Only so many hours you can cry and bang the door before you give up and try and find something to read. We all have family disfunction. That's why we're so successful- to fill the hole.
Dr. Chris Taub: I didn't tell him.
Dr. Gregory House: Your heart said he needed to know. Your brain knew he's better off without it. Following your heart is easy. Following your brain is tough. Especially after years of following that much smaller organ. That's why all parents screw up all children.
Dr. Gregory House: Makes sense. Park's tiger mom and dad were so insufferable, she used to measure their affection in hours. Chase's careerist dad, and alcholoic mom were so indifferent, he's visibly awash. Your turn, what did you screwed up parents do to screw up your view of parenting?
Dr. Jessica Adams: They were good parents.
Dr. Gregory House: That's an oxymoron.
Dr. Gregory House: As much as I'd like to kill you by dangerously lowering your blood sugar, murder would violate my parole.
Dr. Jessica Adams: The part where he said that baby doesn't need *you*. You've only got her a few days a week. And most of that is spent with a rotating cast of nurses.
Dr. Robert Chase: That's how daddy likes to spend his time too.
Dr. Chris Taub: Shut up!
Monroe: You gonna test my urine or what?
Dr. Gregory House: [House takes the sample and takes a sip] Not diabetes.
[to Chase and Taub]
Dr. Gregory House: Use cross platettes to try and find the patient some blood that's closer to his own. And get the real story on clown senior's death. Mom's hiding something. Good bet that it's medically relevant.
[House drinks more of the sample]
Dr. Gregory House: Apple juice. Easiest way to fake a spike in blood sugar.
Dr. Chi Park: Do you only like tests that involve the risk of death.
Dr. Gregory House: There are some slower less conclusive test, but why take that risk?
Dr. Eric Foreman: My job is to be the jerk. House has to believe I have authority over him.
Dr. James Wilson: He can't function under someone's thumb.
Dr. Eric Foreman: I know which means you can't go either.
[Wilson sits down]
Dr. Eric Foreman: Your job is to be his friend -to stay here and watch the fight on pay-per-view while bitching about me. If we both do our jobs, we might actually get him through his parole.
Dr. Gregory House: Your parents screwed you up by not screwing you up.
Dr. Jessica Adams: How does briefly wishing I was screwed up make me screwed up?
Dr. Gregory House: It's normal to be screwed up. It's really screwed up to romanticize it. Guess that's why you wanted to work with prisoners.
Dr. Jessica Adams: It's why I wanted to work with you.
Dr. Gregory House: I'm going to say it was the ex-girlfriend you cheated on - not the ex-wife you cheated with. Because if the latter was prone to violence, you would've been scattered across various dumpsters years ago.
Dr. Chris Taub: [Looking around to the rest of the team] Seriously? No one wants to talk about the patient? New office furniture, we need a new topic.
Dr. Robert Chase: [Pulling out his wallet] What's the action on the ex-wife?
Dr. Chris Taub: You're 16, plenty of time to make money. Wanting to build a connection with your dad -pass on some of the joy he gave you. That's not stupid at all.
Dr. James Wilson: Your biological father was a decent God-fearing minister. The man who raised you was a cold-hearted jerk. I'm trying to figure out why you're so convinced Adam has parentally inflicted damage.
Dr. Gregory House: You're trying to deflect.
Dr. James Wilson: No, you are. You have to believe that every parent screws up every child or you were screwed out of a decent childhood.
Dr. Gregory House: My decent daddy of the cloth was also being indecent with my married mom. He probably would've taken all her kids to the playground.