Crazy Max: I'm Crazy Max and if you can't find it here, you're retahded!
Adam: Boss, don't you think you're getting a bit... old... to make it in a band?
Lance Rockett: It could still happen.
Joe: It's a cover band.
Lance Rockett: So.
Adam: You're fifty-four.
Lance Rockett: Rock is ageless- David Lee Roth 1983.
Adam: David Lee Roth got kicked out of the band and replaced by Sammy...
Lance Rockett: -HEY! We don't speak his name.
Adam: My bad.
Lance Rockett: Alright, I gotta get going to band practice. I gotta shave my abs for the ladies in the front row.
[Sniffs Joe's neck]
Lance Rockett: New cologne, Joe? Smells delicious.
Lance Rockett: That's what we do here. We rock the spots and slay the chicks! Adam... nice jeans.
Lance Rockett: If you miss out on the greatest Van Halen tribute band of all time, you miss out on your life! Plus, check out these awesome platforms I scored on ebay. They're the ones that Gene Simmons was gonna wear on The Elder tour.
Laura: I'm hungry.
Joe: [Spits out his gum into his hand] Here.
Laura: You spoil me.
[Puts the gum in her own mouth]
Corri: What's with the Hamburgler outfit?
Adam: I don't want to get caught renting a stolen camera with Mayor McCheese... Mayor McSteels-a-lot... Mayor Mc... whatever, there's a joke in there somewhere.
Laura: Stolen camera?
Joe: It's not stolen, it's borrowed, and it's fine.
Adam: Mayor McDouche.
Joe: Too late.
Joe: Babe, don't worry I have it all figured out. It will be totally fine and it's not gonna hurt anyone.
Laura: You always say it's not gonna hurt and then I can't poop right for days.
[Off of Adam and Corri's stunned faces]
Laura: What? One time we ate a bunch of laxatives to try and loose weight.
Corri: I can't live in a haunted apartment.
Laura: It's cheap. Sure you can.
Laura: It'll be fun! Like Paranormal Activity.
Corri: I really think that we need to discuss this.
Laura: Aww. Our first roommate fight and you lost. But I still love you, Corri. I still love you.
Corri: Is there, like, an Indian burial ground under the building?
Landlord: Not an Indian one.
Landlord: Just because someone dies in an apartment doesn't make it haunted.
Corri: Someone died in here?
Corri: You just said someone died in here.
Landlord: Sort of.
Corri: Sort of?
Landlord: It was natural causes.
Laura: So like someone died in their sleep?
Landlord: Basically, yes. They were sleeping and then they slipped and fell into a noose.
[Motions to a noose randomly hanging in the center of the apartment]
Adam: [to Joe] He's got a mustache, we should run.
Trent: What did you say?
Adam: I said, what exactly are you shooting?
Trent: Nah, sounded like you said something like... he's got a mustache we should run.
Adam: No I didn't.
Trent: Yeah you did. Dude. I'm standing four feet away from you.
Adam: No you aren't.
Trent: Dude. Did you just get fired from McDonalds or something? Where's your buddy Grimace?
Adam: Where's your... mogwais... David Lo Pan... creepy... Asian guy with mustache?
Adam: We just lost the camera. We can't afford a new HD camera. We're gonna get fired. And then we're gonna get evicted. We're never gonna get our movie made and you're gonna get syphilis.
Joe: Would you stop. We're gonna be fine- why do I get syphilis?
Adam: Because, dude. Because.
Laura: Wait! Did you maybe get a secondary contact number to call the guy with?
[Off of Adam and Joe's looks]
Laura: That was a pointless contribution to finding a solution. If you had another number you would have called it already. Stupid.
[Then, after a moment]
Laura: But did you?
Laura: Why are you sleeping on the couch?
Corri: I can't sleep in that room. I kept hearing whispers.
Laura: [Excitedly] What were they saying?
Corri: I don't know. I couldn't understand them.
Laura: Well if you can't understand them then they don't count.
Corri: Laura, why don't you take that room?
Laura: No. That room is scary. You take that room.
Corri: Yeah, but you, you like death and stuff. It can inspiration for your art.
[Reveal two paintings of dead babies]
Laura: That was mean.
Adam: Maybe I should just tell the truth.
Oderus Urungus: Tell the truth? Absolutely not! If it's one life lesson I can teach you, it's never tell the truth. Did Oliver North ever tell the truth? Did Bill Clinton ever tell the truth? Did Abraham Lincoln ever tell the truth?
Adam: Wait, you mean honest Abe? The guy that couldn't tell a lie?
Oderus Urungus: Yes, and got shot right in the head.
Adam: Good point.
Oderus Urungus: You can always make a new best friend. It's like I always say, you can make a new best friend because at any moment your old best friend could be killed and burned horribly in a wretched car fire. And then you would have to make a new best friend and also make sure that the new best friend didn't make the same mistake that the old best friend made and wreck his car while he was driving it while high on cough medicine that was filled with codeine. Brruugh!
Adam: Hey, you know what? Thanks, Oderus.
Oderus Urungus: That's why I'm here. Hey, uh, could you bring me back some Skittles?
Adam: Skittles. You got it.
Laura: The apartment was haunted. We heard voices and they were gonna kill Corri and molest me.
Corri: It was so scary, we- wait. Why were they gonna kill me but molest you?
Laura: Oh, please.
Adam: That's how we get out of losing the camera!
Corri: What camera?
Adam: [Pushing her aside] We're back to the A story line. OK, so we borrowed the camera... to shoot Lance's cover band's show.
Laura: Lance is still in a cover band? Isn't he like 50?
Joe: Long story. Go on.
Adam: OK. So on our way to the show... uh... we got robbed by... uh...
[Points at Laura]
Adam: ... by a big Mexican!
Laura: No, it's OK. I'm Colombian. Go on.
Adam: OK. There was a struggle, we got roughed up, guy ran away with the camera.
Joe: Wait, what's that!
Laura: Give me the camera Gringos or Britney Spear here gets it!
Joe: No way! This camera belongs to Mass Cablevision!
Adam: Yeah! You'll have to kill us first!
Laura: Gimme the camera or I'll kill Blondie!
Adam: Fine, kill her!
Laura: I'll do it!
Adam: [Throws Corri away into some trash barrels] You'll never take this camera from us, scary ethnic man. Now...
[Puts his fists up]
Adam: ... let's dance.
Laura: [Terribly choreographed and repetitive swing] Hught- huh! Hught - huh!
Adam: [Terribly choreographed and repetitive duck and swing] Eey-hught! Huh! Eey-hught! Huh!
Lance Rockett: You guys are awesome! Tell you what... back stage passes, both of you! You can meet Fake Eddy and Fake Alex!
Adam: What about Fake Michael Anthony?
Lance Rockett: We got the real Michael Anthony if you want to meet him.
Adam: No, that's OK.
Corri: That's the scene, right? I mean, did you have another line or...
Corri: Wow. The way you guys always talk about Lance, he sounds amazing. I would so love to make out with him.
Lance Rockett: Is that an American Apparel shirt you're wearing there, Adam? Fantastic fit.