Barney Stinson: Hey kid, you know how your mom won't let you have ice-cream until after dinner? But then the waiting kind of makes it taste better? I've been waiting two months for that bowl of ice cream and tonight I'm gonna have sex with it.
Robin Scherbatsky: [about Ted asking Robin to a Weird Al concert] Oh, you think I'm the first person Ted asked?
Robin Scherbatsky: Ted, am I the first person you asked?
Ted Mosby: [Cut to Ted on the phone] Marshall! You, me, Weird Al?
Marshall Eriksen: No thanks Ted
Ted Mosby: [Again on the phone] Bar-ney! I've got two tickets to Weird Al Yank...
[Barney hangs up]
Ted Mosby: Barney?
Ted Mosby: Li-ly! Come on, you'll be the hottest girl there. Okay, you'll be the only girl there
[Lily hangs up]
Ted Mosby: [Ted tires calling various people] Stu-art! Clau-dia! Brad! Nat-a-lie! Trudie! Ranjit! Carl the bartender! Dude from my bodega! Steam-cleaning coupon guy!
Ted Mosby: M-om. Please? I'll fly you out!
Virginia Mosby: I don't think so, I'm sorry sweet pea.
Ted Mosby: Is Clint there?
Virginia Mosby: No.
Narrator: [Kevin is not too pleased about Robin massaging Ted on what should be their date night] Now Kevin, as a trained psychologist, knew the appropriate way to voice his displeasure...
Kevin: I think we need to calmly discuss the relationship dynamics at play here. I'm uncomfortable with how close you two are as roommates, given your particular romantic history.
Narrator: Instead, he took a different approach...
Kevin: Oh Hell NO! If you want a date with my girlfriend, I don't have to wear pants in your apartment!
[unbuttons pants, revealing boxers]
Barney Stinson: Come on, Barney Stinson always turns it around.
Marshall Eriksen: How?
Barney Stinson: Simple, I turned... it... *around*.
Lily Aldrin: [Marshall and Lily freak out because the other acts like their own fathers] AHHHH, I can't go through with this!
Marshall Eriksen: Thank God, me neither.
Lily Aldrin: You're too much like my dad.
Marshall Eriksen: You're too much like *my* dad!
Lily Aldrin: [Angry] Your DAD?
Marshall Eriksen: [Later on, after they make up] I'm the real lucky guy because I married my dad.
Narrator: Kids, in the fall of 2011, all my friends were in relationships. So when Barney's brother james cam to visit it created a slight logistical problem...
[Cut to the booth at MacLaren's, which is packed with Lily, Marshall, Nora, Barney, Kevin, Robin, Ted and James]
Marshall Eriksen: We're gonna need a bigger booth.
Nora: I'm going to go to the loo. I don't actually have to go, I just want a seat all to myself.
Kevin: [after James says Nora is like his and Barney's mom] Psychologically speaking, it's perfectly normal to wind up with someone like your parents. Thanks to my mom I'll probably end up with someone who loves my brother more than me.
James Stinson: Well, psychologically speaking, I'm gonna go throw up now.
Kevin: [about Ted] First he tries scaring me off with his little peep show, then he crashes our movie, now he's got tickets to some super romantic concert.
Ted Mosby: It's Weird Al Yankovic.
Marshall Eriksen: So, I was trying to think how to best express how sexy you are to me. A song? A poem? And then it hit me: a board game!
Lily Aldrin: You just get women.
Marshall Eriksen: No, no, no! You'll like this. We ask risque questions and spicy dares to slowly move up your shapely legs. I call it "Shoots and Lilies"
Lily Aldrin: I would have guessed "Monopo-Lily"
Marshall Eriksen: Yeah, that would have been better.