Phil Dunphy: I'll admit it. I'm turned on by powerful women. Michelle Obama, Oprah, Condolezza Rice, Serena Williams... wait a minute.
Manny Delgado: I wanna be home schooled.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Really, Manny? Do you want me to learn you English?
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Let me tell you a story. There was this girl who entered a beauty contest. She was nervous because she was very scared that she was going to lose.
Claire Dunphy: Let me guess. You won.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Of course I did. I was talking about my cousin Maria Conchita. She had a nose like a toucan and had to stuff her big body into this little bikini. She came in dead last.
Claire Dunphy: Why are you telling me all this?
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: The point is, she faced her fear and it didn't kill her. What killed her was the bus that hit her two weeks later.
Jay Pritchett: This kid is on the job for ten minutes and he wants me to wow him.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: What is this wow?
Manny Delgado: It's the Bieberization of America.
Jay Pritchett: What do beavers have to do with this?
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: The beavers, they build the dams all over the country so there are no floods. It's the beaverization of America.
Manny Delgado: I find that we have less and less to talk about.
Luke Dunphy: [scoffing] Police. Aren't they too busy winning the war on drugs?
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Jay won't let me help with his business, and now Manny won't let me help with his homework. It's so frustrating. I have all the answers!
Mitchell Pritchett: [as he sees Jay, Phil and Cameron going to confront the boy who scammed Haley] No, we are not vigilantes!
Cameron Tucker: Shotgun!
Mitchell Pritchett: No! No weapons!
Mitchell Pritchett: Cam thinks he's Dirty Harry.
Jay Pritchett: I have trouble picturing Clint Eastwood in that shirt.
Cameron Tucker: You know, if this were a romantic comedy, this would be our meet cute. We'd spend the rest of the afternoon drinking wine, eating food, flying a kite... you know, montage-y stuff.
Mitchell Pritchett: Am I in this movie of yours?
Cameron Tucker: Yeah, you're the gay best friend.
Claire Dunphy: Phil, where are you, honey? I need to talk to you. Do you know what our daughter did?
Phil Dunphy: [trying to cover up Alex's stupor] Nothing. She's fine. She's reading.
Claire Dunphy: No, not her. Haley. Haley, come over here. I wanna talk to you.
Phil Dunphy: There she is! Not a scratch on her.
Claire Dunphy: You have something you wanna say to us?
Haley Dunphy: Uh...
Claire Dunphy: Mmm... let me help you out here. Fake IDs?
Phil Dunphy: What?
Claire Dunphy: Mm-hmm. Haley tried to get her and her friends some fake IDs.
Haley Dunphy: I wasn't going to use them for drinking. We just wanted to get into this club to see a band.
Claire Dunphy: She took a bunch of money from them, and then she lost it.
Phil Dunphy: How much?
Alex Dunphy: [slurring] $900.
Haley Dunphy: It's not my fault! I gave the money to this guy. He's the one who ripped us off.
Claire Dunphy: [to Luke] What happened to your face?
Luke Dunphy: Oh. I ran into a door.
Phil Dunphy: Yeah.
Claire Dunphy: What happened to your face?
Luke Dunphy: Dad hit me.
Phil Dunphy: It was an accident. I was trying to open up a Band-Aid.
Claire Dunphy: Phil!
Claire Dunphy: [seeing Alex passed out on the couch] What's wrong with her?
Phil Dunphy: Growth spurt.
Claire Dunphy: What's wrong with her?
Phil Dunphy: I drugged her.
Claire Dunphy: Phil...
Phil Dunphy: I accidentally gave her the nighttime allergy medicine.