Jay is frustrated at work, Manny is stressed out about school work, Gloria would like to help but no one seems to want it. Phil and Claire run into Councilman Duane Bailey again, who is out campaigning for his second run, and he's just as irritating as they remembered -- so much so that Claire may give him a run for his money. Mitch and Cam get into a fender bender and the other car flees, which becomes the tipping point for all the men in the family who decides to take out their frustrations on the kid giving Haley problems.
Claire leaves Phil at home to watch the kids while she applies to run for public office, Mitchell and Cameron are victimized by a hit-and-run driver, and an annoying client asks Jay to "wow" him.
- A warning for all of you parents out there: is a very violent movie. At least, that's what Cameron (Eric Stonestreet) tells a father with two kids. He's so scared of all the blood and gore (he even read the book), he had to see it in a matinee. Of course, it would help if they had the correct theatre. And if that wasn't enough public humiliation for Mitchell (Jesse Tyler Ferguson), they get rear-ended on the way home, and the guy takes off. (ALWAYS get the license plate and take pictures; that's what the camera on your mobile phone is for.) Gloria (Sofía Vergara) is going out of her mind because Manny (Rico Rodriguez) won't ask for her help in his term paper on the Mafia, and Jay (Ed O'Neill) is off trying to wow a client. Actually, the son of a long-time client who fired his dad from the company and has about half the IQ of Luke. Apparently, this guy wants to be "wowed" like the time he had a drink in South Beach and woke up two days later.
As Haley (Sarah Hyland) hits up her siblings for money...Luke (Nolan Gould) apparently has a lot saved up from dipping into Phil's (Ty Burrell) loose change over the years...Claire (Julie Bowen) runs into that obnoxious city councilor, Duane Bailey (). (I know I said it was Rogers last week, but I was reading the name card on the desk. You let the apartment number switch on slide; how about giving me a free pass on this?) Anyhoo, Duane's obnoxious behavior put Claire at her limit. She decides she's going to run for city council. Of course, she doesn't know how she'll do that and still deal with the kids after school and making sure the house stays clean. It appears she forgot she did have a husband. Duane, however, won't take this lying down. Like the puggles he likes to breed, he looks cute on the outside but he is tenacious on the inside. (CLAIRE: Oh, I just thought they yip a lot.) But Duane does not intend to lose to a "bored housewife" and tells Claire not to "quit her lack of a day job." Yeah, that set her off and she told him in no uncertain terms...right after she got done gossiping with Ann on the phone.
How was Phil doing as head of the household? Well, he fixed a cut on Luke's arm by accidentally punching his lights out, and gave Alex (Ariel Winter) allergy medication that would make her drowsy and miss studying for a test.
Over at Jay and Gloria's, everybody was gathering for dinner. Jay was lamenting what this kid was doing who rejected his closet proposal, and Gloria kept insisting he talk to her about it. But the Bieberization of America is to blame. (GLORIA: The Biebers, they build the dams all over the country so there are no floods. It's the Bieberization of America.) Mitchell and Cameron stop by, and Lily announces they've been fighting. Cameron wanted to go after the man who hit them (JAY: I have a tough time picturing Clint Eastwood in that shirt.) and Mitchell thought they did the right thing in calling the police. Both Jay and Gloria agreed with Cam in this case. Meanwhile, Alex comes over ready to go to sleep, Luke is wearing Claire's sunglasses to cover up his black eye, and Claire lets everybody know Haley tried to get fake IDs for her friends and lost their money...close to $900. Jay and Gloria think they should mount up and get it back, Mitchell says to call the police (since it worked so well when they got hit and run), and Claire lights into Phil for all of this happening. Jay has had enough, although it was influenced by his meeting earlier in the day. He takes off to get the $900 back, joined by Phil, Mitch, and Cam.
CAMERON: (as they leave to go to Jay's car) Shotgun!
MITCHELL: No! No weapons!
Gloria was determined to help because "I have all the answers!" She browbeats Claire to within an inch of her life to find out why Claire isn't going to run for city council. It wasn't family issues; Claire just didn't want to lose. She didn't want the first thing she had done outside the house in eighteen years to be a failure. Gloria told her the story of a little girl who entered a beauty contest even though she was very scared she was going to lose.
CLAIRE: Let me guess. You won.
GLORIA: Of course I did! I was talking about my cousin, Maria Conchita. She had a nose like a toucan and had to stuff her big body into this little bikini. She came in dead last.
The point being, she faced her fear and it didn't kill her. The bus two weeks later did. But Gloria knows Claire is a tough person and can win...or at least be OK with losing.
They get to the house, and Phil's ready to give them a taste of England Dan and John Ford Coley. (yes, those are his fists) Even Mitch wondered about Phil's manhood on that one. Mitch doesn't want to participate and they leave him behind. (MITCHELL: See you in jail. It'll be a big adjustment for two of you!) They knock on the door, and the kid is totally OK with giving the money back. Except he runs, too. But he runs right into Mitchell, who won't have the same thing happen twice in one day and captures him. Haley is ecstatic and tries to kiss-up to everybody as thanks. But Phil sees right through it and grounds her for two weeks. On the good side, Claire is running for city council, and Gloria does have one way to help Jay get that contract. Well, technically it's two ways, which explains why she was wearing low-cut stuff the entire episode. (and it wasn't even Sweeps Month)
JAY: Same. Exact. Closet.
Of course, the boys all had stories about getting fake IDs as kids. Jay tried to enlist in the Army, but got drunk and ended up in a strip club instead. Cam was sixteen and could drive a tractor so nobody thought twice of it. Mitchell used his to get into . ("Lots of . I'm just saying...") And Phil got one with the name Dr. Richard Hurtz.