Han Lee: Max, I'm talking to you.
Max Black: Oh, I didn't hear you I have my earbuds in.
Han Lee: [Picks up earbuds from off the table] What are these?
Max Black: Ok you had to bust a move and get all "the truth" on my ass fine let's go there. Han, I'm never gonna be your Facebook friend.
Max Black: [Mocking Caroline in a deep voice] Those are not extensions bitch!
Caroline Channing: Are you still laughing 'cause it wasn't funny.
Max Black: It was so funny; It was like Looney Toons funny; It was like Bugs Bunny getting shot in the face funny. Only in your version Bugs Bunny tries to have a dialogue with the shotgun.
Caroline Channing: Hi, I'll be right with you.
[Purposely spills a bowl of Borscht on the Puerto Rican Girl]
Puerto Rican Girl: [Yelling ] Idiota! Esta camiseta me costo cuatro dolares!
Caroline Channing: Lo siento. Toda es mi culpa. I'm still a little clumsy; it's my first week. I'll bring you some soda water, but seriously, your boyfriend will come out before that Borscht stain does.
Max Black: That was awesome!
Caroline Channing: Max, a woman in my section want to know if we do anything gluten-free. What do I tell her?
Max Black: Tell her she's not allergic to gluten. She's just masking an eating disorder.
Earl: Look here Max, that lady just slipped me her number. Like I need another menopausal white woman scratching at my window like a cat in heat.
Max Black: Stop fighting it; just give in to it. I don't know why I'm quoting a rapist...
Max Black: Hey, when you find something check the pockets for pills. At a thrift store downtown I found a purple one once and took it. Fell asleep for eight hours! That was my vacation that year.
Caroline Channing: Umm didn't you see me crying?
Max Black: Lots of people cry at Goodwill. You go to France you eat snails; you come here you cry.
Caroline Channing: That's odd, you didn't even react. You need to react when people cry.
Max Black: I did I rolled my eyes. Look, eventually you'll learn to do that on the inside.
Caroline Channing: Hi, how are you? I just wanted to talk to you about that shirt at the Goodwill. See my friend really wanted it, and well your friend has it.
Tough White Girl: [Gets off the guys lap she's sitting in and stands up inching closer to Caroline] What are you saying bitch?
Caroline Channing: Ok I think we might have got off on the wrong foot.
Tough White Girl: Do you wanna feel my foot bitch?
Johnny: [about to hop over the bar to stop the fight between Caroline and the Tough White Chick] I should really break this up. I should break this up.
Max Black: [Stopping Johnny] No, no, no! Give her like four seconds to learn her lesson.
Caroline Channing: Why didn't you show up? You told me you were going to be there.
Max Black: I had a lot of crap to do.
Caroline Channing: Well you gave me the impression you were going.
Max Black: I gave you the impression? I don't do impressions. Well wait that's not true I do one, my mom, but to do that I need; a Christmas tree, a gallon of vodka, and a lit cigarette.
Caroline Channing: Did you walk my horse today?
Max Black: Yeah and every other morning.
Caroline Channing: That's so sweet I wish I had known.
Max Black: What was I gonna do post it on your Facebook wall? Hi, walked your horse again today totes gross. Besides who did you think was doing it?
Max Black: Unbelievable!
Caroline Channing: What?
Max Black: Hey!
[Throws menus down on table in front of them]
Max Black: How you guys doing? Cute Strokes tee! Probably look better on me considering it's mine!
Puerto Rican Girl: You snooze, you lose. Puta.
Max Black: Nice language! You kiss your obviously closeted boyfriend with that mouth? You know what, I wouldn't even want it now. Now that it's been on you it might as well have been a Kenny G shirt.
[Makes explosion noise while miming an explosion in her crotch]
Max Black: And now I walk.
Johnny: [while holding two shots in his hands] These are from the gentleman with a sweet note.
[to Caroline while placing one shot in front of her]
Johnny: Nice ass.
[to Max while placing the other shot in front of her]
Johnny: Nice rack.
Caroline Channing: [Max and Caroline take their shots]
[Very high pitched]
Caroline Channing: Whoooo!
Max Black: If that's your tequila noise, god knows what your orgasm sounds like.