Max Black: Just put it on! You can't tell an Asian he made a mistake he'll go in the back and throw himself on a sword!
Max Black: Hi, ready to order?
Girl #1: Do you have anything that's really special?
Max Black: Not according to my high school guidance counselor.
Girl #2: I'll have the veggie plate, but instead of beats I want kale and instead of broccoli more kale. I want the veggies steamed and instead of dressing I want lemons. Don't you need to write this down?
Max Black: I'm afraid if I start writing that down it'll turn into a suicide note. I'm assuming this table's going to have a lot more of those requests?
[All four girls at the table not their heads and agree]
Max Black: Yes, I could tell by the hats.
Caroline Channing: I'm here! I was late so I decided to hail a cab; but then I remembered I didn't have any money one me and then I remembered I didn't have any money at all. So I walked the whole way here.
Max Black: The apartment's three blocks away.
Caroline Channing: Yes I know, three blocks and fifteen "Hola Chicka's" away.
Max Black: Well you can't be late again. I'm already worried about me being late... every month.
Caroline Channing: On my way here a homeless man asked me for money; and I told him I usually always give but that my father was indicted in a ponzi scandal and I've lost my family fortune and my Manhattan townhouse. So I've been sleeping on a couch in Brooklyn, but in spite of it all I'm still optimistic that you and I will acheive success in our exciting new cupcake business venture... and look what he gave me.
[Pulls out and holding up two one dollar bills]
Max Black: You took money from a homeless man?
Caroline Channing: I prefer to think of Bob near the bridge as our first investor.
Oleg: Pick up. Special sandwich. I can think of even more special sandwich; You, me, and the hot blonde giraffe.
Max Black: Well she recently lost her dignity so you may have a shot.
Caroline Channing: Huh. Interesting. Ok. You wanted a breakup scene? You're in one. I'm breaking up with you.
Max Black: Oh ok.
Caroline Channing: The cupcake business is over; the dream is dead.
Max Black: Oh I'm sure Nabatungi will be devastated.
Caroline Channing: I don't need you or your cupcakes to survive. I'll figure something else out because besides your constant Wharton put downs, I'm a business genius and I will always land on my feet.
Max Black: Oh really? 'Cause today you kinda landed on your front.
Caroline Channing: We're done. After work tonight I'll get my things and be gone.
Max Black: Ooh, you gonna load up your dream filled wheely bag and ride away on Sir Mudsalot?
Caroline Channing: Go ahead be as negative as you want. 'Cause you're in charge of your own future again.
Max Black: Oh jokes on you! I don't have a future.
Caroline Channing: Are you sure you're fine? 'Cause I heard you crying last night.
Max Black: I don't cry; I sold my tear-ducts to an organ bank for cash two years ago.
Caroline Channing: Morning! It's a beautiful day!
Max Black: [while closing the shades on the window] These shades belong down! From now on think of me as a vampire without all the annoying marketing.
Caroline Channing: When I went to the cute coffee place I spoke to the counter girl Nabatungi...
Max Black: [Interrupting Caroline] Whoa, if someone named "Nabatungi" is making an appearance in the first sentence I have to sit down.
Caroline Channing: Max, I'm sorry I crossed all those boundaries.
Max Black: It's cool.
[Walks over to grab a paper from the counter]
Max Black: Me and drunk Caroline worked it all out. In fact she signed this paper.
[Hands Caroline the paper]
Caroline Channing: [Reading the paper in her hands] I, drunk Caroline, am a... what's that word?
Max Black: Punk ass hoe.
Caroline Channing: Thanks.
[Begins reading the paper again]
Caroline Channing: I, drunk Caroline, am a punk ass hoe. I promise to keep my big mouth shut and replace all of Max's poor people chips. I will no longer meddle in her relation-chips...
Max Black: You laughed about that until you threw up. Oh and if you're wondering. No the puke stains will not void this contract.
Max Black: What is with you and boundaries? You're in my bed, you're in my bosses bed, and now you go and call Robbie? You're like... you're like your big ass horse charging in everywhere you don't belong.
Caroline Channing: I thought I was doing you a favor. In spite of what you say about the sounds I heard coming from your bedroom the other night, I know you're upset.
Max Black: I was masturbating!
Oleg: [Pops up from behind counter holding a jar] I love my job.