Lily Aldrin: [while sitting at the bar with Marshall] That wine looks good.
Marshall Eriksen: Oh
[He passes it to her as Ted comes in]
Ted Mosby: Hey, hey, hey! Pregnant women can't drink alcohol.
Lily Aldrin: No, my doctor says it's okay to have a sip of wine every now and then.
Ted Mosby: [Disbelieving] Really?
Lily Aldrin: Dr. Sonja's great; whenever you ask her if you can have something, she's like...
Dr. Sonya: Just a little bit.
Ted Mosby: Wait, Dr. Sonja doesn't let you have sushi does she?
Dr. Sonya: Just a little bit.
Ted Mosby: [Lily eats a cheeto] You're allowed to have CHEETOS?
Dr. Sonya: Cheetos? Ah, just a little bit.
Ted Mosby: Do you mind if I double check some of this stuff?
Robin Scherbatsky: [about an urn-like object] What's that thing?
Barney Stinson: For some it was the ashes of my parents. For others it was the trophy from Wimbledon and believe it or not, for one busty dullard, it was both. Game, enormous set and match!
Marshall Eriksen: You know what? Screw it! Who says two bros can't rock a birthing class?
Marshall Eriksen: It's fascinating how profoundly little I know about vaginas.
Patrice: [When Barney is singing to Nora] He is so dreamy!
Robin Scherbatsky: [Screaming] NOBODY ASKED YOU, PATRICE!
Kevin: So you're drunk, under a desk, binge eating stolen chocolate?
Robin Scherbatsky: Boy, I'm not coming across great here, am I?
Kevin: This is not about how you're coming across. But no.
Robin Scherbatsky: Maybe you should write on that little chart you got there "selflessly tried to help a friend in need".
Kevin: First of all, this is a crossword puzzle.
Lily Aldrin: I can't believe you're still running plays on dumb blondes! I thought you were serious about Nora.
Barney Stinson: No, I've been good, I swear! I just forgot about my BDS's.
Robin Scherbatsky: BDS's?
Barney Stinson: Bimbo Delivery Systems. You see, over the years I've launched a variety of systems that are always working to get me laid. Like my pop-up ads
[Cut to video]
Barney Stinson: Oh hi. I'm doctor Barney Stinson. Are your really large breasts making everyday tasks difficult?
Infomercial Actress: [Tries to water plant, knocks it over] Oh! There's just gotta be a better way!
Barney Stinson: There is! I, Dr. Barney Stinson - for a limited time only - can give you a free breast reduction consultation. Call me! If your knockers are just too damn big, I can handle them - it!
Robin Scherbatsky: [Back to the gang] Women actually fell for that?
Barney Stinson: Yeah, that business really took off. It played in all kinds of markets
[See various ads]
Jeff Probst: [On the show Survivor] Okay survivors, today's reward challenge is brought to you by Dr. Barney Stinson's Free Breast Reduction Consultations.
Barney Stinson: [about his fake breast reduction business] That scam was so successful it spawned a related enterprise.
Barney Stinson: [Cut to a video of Barney dressed as a Lawyer] If you've been fooled by a well-endowed man claiming to be a doctor offering free breast reduction consultations, come see me! I'm Arnie Linson, attorney at law, and join my class action suit.
[website appears at the bottom of the video LinsonBreastLawsuit.com]
Barney Stinson: If your giant breasts have been wronged, I can handle them - it.
Robin Scherbatsky: I suppose now you want me to talk about it feel to watch Barney and Nora walk off together
Kevin: Actually, I'd much rather skip ahead to the assault. My next client thinks he's god, and on the off change he's right, I really don't want to keep him waiting.
Dr. Sonya: [as Ted and Marshall are leaving the birthing class] Dads, this is the time I'll answer every question you've ever had about vaginas.
Marshall Eriksen: Damn it!
Robin Scherbatsky: I can't believe I'm talking to a therapist. Well, ususally I'm not the touchy-feely, talk-about-your-emotions type. But with this... I just had to be a big enough person to admit that I need help. Huh. I guess this is what growing up feels like.
Kevin: This is *court*-mandated therapy. You assaulted a woman.
[laughs and waves hand dismissively]
Robin Scherbatsky: That silly thing.
[More serious after getting a look from Kevin]
Robin Scherbatsky: I guess we can talk about that.
Kevin: Robin! I've had serial killers lead me to shallow graves faster than you're telling this story!
Ted Mosby: [Coming into Marshall and Lily's doctor appointment] I checked out all this stuff this "Doctor" says is okay, and She's wrong. So for the health of this baby, I'm stepping in
[Reveals Team Baby shirt he's wearing]
Kevin: [Back to Robin and Kevin] Sounds like this Ted guy could benefit from some therapy.
Robin Scherbatsky: Oh, he definitely could.
Ted Mosby: Come on, we're a trio, we've always been a trio! We're right up there with Batman and Robin and Alfred!
Lily Aldrin: Out!
[Pushes him out of the doctor's office]
Ted Mosby: Romeo and Juliet and the Apothecary!
Lily Aldrin: Now!
[Closing the door]
Ted Mosby: Salt and pepper and cumin!