- Schmidt: Oh, there's Brooke.
- Jess Day: Who's Brooke?
- Nick Miller: He's been into her since freshman year. She used to get drunk and pass out on our porch. It was like having a hot, alcoholic cat.
- Schmidt: I'd always leave water out for her. Okay. Tonight just got real. She goes on top of the kill list.
- Jess Day: Is that because you're gonna attempt to kill her by having sex with her?
- Schmidt: More or less, yeah.
- Jess Day: Oh, Schmidt, one day you're gonna kill the nicest girl.
- Nick Miller: The photo booth is a liar, FYI.
- [pulling the curtain back]
- Nick Miller: Oh, hey, ladies, you guys wanna see a grown man cry? No? Then get out!
- [the girls inside get out]
- Nick Miller: I think I saw a single doctor looking at you!
- [to another girl nearby as he gets in]
- Nick Miller: This is gonna take a while, orange.
- Winston Bishop: Are you okay?
- Jess Day: Yeah, I'm fine.
- Winston Bishop: Those guys were jerks. But I know they're glad you're around.
- Jess Day: Really?
- Winston Bishop: Yeah! They're not just gonna come out and say it, though. Especially Nick, you know, but they're all thinking it. Even me. Most of the time.
- Winston Bishop: [greeting a wedding guest] Hi. What a beautiful dress.
- Jimmy Longjam: I'm surprised you noticed the dress. I was distracted by the woman inside. Jimmy Longjam, alternate usher.
- Winston Bishop: [feigning an amused laugh] Alternate usher. I mean, I'm here. I'm the usher.
- Jimmy Longjam: You were late. It's called commitment. Look it up in a typewriter, old man.
- Winston Bishop: Hey, Nick, how you doin', buddy?
- Nick Miller: They want me to leave the booth, but I'm staying. This is my home now. It's got everything that I need.
- Schmidt: You can see by looking at these pictures that he's experiencing a variety of different emotions. This one is... well, that's actually his butt.
- Jess Day: She has a boyfriend.
- Nick Miller: Yeah.
- Jess Day: She shouldn't have been flirting with you all night. You can't be her backup plan. You have to let each other go. So, now you have to make a decision. "Am I gonna stay locked in a photo booth for the next hour, or am I gonna get out there, take my shoes off, and dance my face off?". Come on, it's up to you.
- Jess Day: Look at my new boyfriend. So fancy in his big boy tie.
- Nick Miller: Jess, would you please stop?
- Jess Day: Okay, what is it with Caroline? You're like a different person.
- Nick Miller: Just focus on getting through today, please.
- Jess Day: Okay, Mr. Boy T. Friend.
- Nick Miller: What did I tell you?
- Jess Day: Don't be myself.
- Nick Miller: Yes.
- Jess Day: That's what I love about our relationship. You never let me be myself.
- Winston Bishop: We've got a problem.
- Schmidt: What?
- [seeing Nick and Caroline talking]
- Schmidt: Jess, what did you do?
- Jess Day: What? They're fine, they're just talking.
- Winston Bishop: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, with Caroline, he is not fine. Okay, he ran into her at a party two months ago, then sent me a ten-page e-mail about what she meant when she said "I'll see you soon."
- Schmidt: She will flirt with him until she knows she can have him. It's like he's her backup plan.
- Jess Day: I didn't know that.
- Schmidt: You wanna live with Nick, when he's not showering and crying all day?
- Winston Bishop: Yeah, he sounds like this.
- [he pantomimes babbling sobbing]
- Schmidt: You ever heard a grown man sob and listen to Simon and Garfunkel?
- Jess Day: Yeah, my dad.
- Schmidt: Yeah.
- Jess Day: Okay, I get it. I'll go. But I just... these bicycle shorts are really tight.
- Schmidt: Come on, work through it, woman.
- Jess Day: Hi, Nicholas.
- Nick Miller: Hey, Jess. I live in a photo booth now.
- Jess Day: Oh, is that so?
- Nick Miller: Yep. Come on in, come on in. That's the kitchen area.
- Jess Day: Very nice.
- Nick Miller: This is the common area.
- Jess Day: Uh-huh.
- Nick Miller: Dining room, living room, kind of everything.
- Jess Day: Schmidt! Schmidt, I need you to help me get these off so I can go find Nick!
- Brooke: God, are you friends with that girl?
- Jess Day: Schmidt!
- Schmidt: Okay, look, I... I didn't want to have to tell you this, but... she was a mistake I made when I hit rock bottom. It was like I was her Sid and she was my Nancy, and then I got sober and she couldn't deal with it, and the poor thing just went... she went crazy.
- Jess Day: Schmidt, I need you to come help me slap my thighs around!
- Schmidt: Look, I don't want to scare you, but she can be really dangerous when she drinks. Okay? I shouldn't even be in the same room with her, it's just... it feels so good talking to you.
- Brooke: Maybe we should get you out of here.
- Schmidt: What a great idea. Yes!
- Brooke: I just have to go to the bathroom really quickly.
- Schmidt: What-whatever you need. Whatever you... of course.
- Schmidt: Jess, what happened with Brooke?
- Jess Day: What?
- Schmidt: She just left here in tears because she said that you threatened her with a knife?
- Jess Day: No! I was talking you up.
- Schmidt: No, you shouldn't have been talking me up. You should have been taking care of Nick. Why is it so hard to do one thing?
- Jess Day: How is this my fault?
- Schmidt: Ruiner.
- Jess Day: Did you just call me a ruiner?
- Schmidt: Yeah.
- Jess Day: Okay, you know what? Forget it. I'm not helping you guys anymore. Give me my teeth back.
- Nick Miller: Stop it.
- Jess Day: [searching his pocket] You don't appreciate them.
- Nick Miller: Cool it!
- Jess Day: [taking them and putting them in] Give them back. I'm gonna have fun, 'cause there's nothing wrong with who I am, and I like having fun at weddings. And I like dancing. And if you don't like that, then tough tater tots, tooter.
- [storming off]
- Jess Day: Jess is back!
- Winston Bishop: Yo, let's go. We can't be late. I am in the wedding.
- Nick Miller: You're the usher, so relax.
- Winston Bishop: Yeah, I'll be busy. That way, I won't have to sit around answering a bunch of stupid questions all day. Like, "do you have a job? Are you still playing basketball?". Does it look like I'm still playing overseas basketball?
- Schmidt: What is the matter with you?
- Winston Bishop: This is the first job I've had in, like, two months, dude, and I really want to just get in there and ush this wedding in the face!
- Schmidt: [seeing Jess in her dress for the wedding] Who let the dirty slut out of the slut house?
- Nick Miller: Wow. You look great.
- Jess Day: [wearing fake plastic teeth] Let's go knock biscuits, brother-cousins.
- Schmidt: No!
- Nick Miller: No teeth, Jess. You can't use prop teeth.
- Jess Day: Come on, guys. These are hilarious. Kids love these.
- Jess Day: It's our first wedding together, so we need nicknames. Nick is Knickknack or Mr. Suspenders.
- Schmidt: No nicknames, okay? Your only job tonight is to be Nick's girlfriend, okay? And make sure that he stays out of trouble with Caroline.
- Jess Day: Why can't you and Winston help?
- Schmidt: We've tried. He doesn't listen to us anymore.
- [flashback; Nick sits crying on the floor in his bedroom]
- Schmidt: Look, she's not coming back.
- Nick Miller: [return to the present] He's right. I don't.
- Jess Day: So, when we do the chicken dance, I do it a little bit differently. I know that it usually goes...
- [humming the music]
- Jess Day: But instead of doing claps, I like to do a peck. 'Cause it's more realistic.
- Nick Miller: No chicken dance!
- Nick Miller: [after introducing Jess to Caroline] Oh, my god. Was she jealous? I think she was jealous. You did so good. That was remarkable.
- Jess Day: [wearing her fake teeth] I just done what my mama learnt me.
- Nick Miller: Give me the teeth.
- Schmidt: Hello, Gretchen.
- Gretchen: Uh-huh.
- Schmidt: I see you wore the pantsuit again.
- Gretchen: This is a new one. It's got way more stretch...
- [indicating the crotch]
- Gretchen: In the pants.
- Schmidt: That's horrible.
- Gretchen: Are you ready for tonight? I'm gonna tie you down and show you pictures of my river-rafting trip.
- Schmidt: Oh, my god, how many are there?
- Gretchen: It's a two-hour slideshow.
- Schmidt: No, Gretchen. We can't do this anymore, okay? It's not... it's not healthy. All right, please? No more.
- Jess Day: It was weird when I was stuck in a freak sandwich between you and that eight-year-old. Do you wanna talk about that?
- Winston Bishop: You know, it's just that he got to be a bit annoying, so... I kind of took my feelings out with dance?
- Jess Day: Who is that?
- Schmidt: It's Gretchen Nelson. She's a terrible person. We can't stand each other. At every wedding, we end up... we end up having sex.
- [flashbacks to previous weddings]
- Schmidt: I mean, look, the sex is amazing. She's coming over.
- Nick Miller: [leading Jess away] Hey, there are those people that we know.
- Jess Day: Oh, what people?
- Jess Day: Come on in, honey. The water's fine.
- Nick Miller: Jess, you know I don't dance.
- Jess Day: Oh, but you didn't know that I did this.
- [pantomiming pulling a rope]
- Jess Day: I'm mime-walking. I'm Mime-chael Jackson.
- Jess Day: Is it bad that I can't feel my legs?
- Schmidt: Yes. Now let's talk about my problems. Jess, I have to go home with Brooke tonight. I deserve someone like Brooke. She's perfect, and it doesn't matter that I have gymnastic, mean-spirited, highly educational sex with Gretchen. It's just, that's not what I want to do anymore, okay? Not tonight.
- Jess Day: What's so bad about liking Gretchen? I mean, you guys obviously have, like, a weird connection.
- Schmidt: No, no, no, no. I want to connect with Brooke. I want to connect with her in the shower, on the floor...
- Jess Day: Okay, you know what?
- Schmidt: ...sitting Indian style.
- Jess Day: You can keep talking, but I'm gonna put my hands over my ears.
- Nick Miller: That is the ugliest dress I have ever seen, Jess.
- Schmidt: I'm really gonna need you to step it up tonight, okay? When I see you, I want to be thinking "Who let the dirty slut out of the slut house?"
- Jess Day: [adopting a Cockney accent] Probably the slut butler, right?