Avery Bullock: You're a complicated man, Smith. I would love to do mushrooms with you.
Stan Smith: So, uh, what do you think the CIA will do with the alien when you bring it in?
Shannon Sharpe: Oh they're going to dissect him like a frog, like Kermit. That's probably my favorite frog.
Snot Lonstein: Steve, what the hell are you wearing?
Steve Smith: Ah, man. I must have grabbed a pair of Hayley's underwear from the dryer. This day can't get any worse!
Snot Lonstein: Those are Hayley's? Let me smell them.
Steve Smith: Snot, we're on the bus. I'm not going to take them off.
Snot Lonstein: That's not what I asked.
Roger the Alien: [about Scarlett] I think I'm going to ask her out.
Stan Smith: You? You three-foot-tall, gray, disgusting piece of shit! Scarlett's an angel. You're a pig. She would never go for you.
Roger the Alien: Listen, you, that hurts. I like to think of myself as a pretty strong person, but you... you cracked it.
Stan Smith: [thinking] All right, Stan, don't make a scene. Just say something witty and exit on the laugh.
Stan Smith: So jealous!
[smacks his head on the table and falls]
Roger the Alien: [to Stan] You can't keep two girls on lockdown. You already got Francine. If you want to let her go, then I'll back off Scarlett. Of course, then, I'll plow Francine.
Francine Smith: I'd let him, too. Dan Andsome-Handsome gives me quite the wide-on.
Steve Smith: Wh... wh... who took my panties, m-my women's panties th-that I was wearing? Has anyone seen my women's panties that I was wearing?
Shannon Sharpe: [to Steve and his friends] Yo, nerds, any of you seen an alien?
Steve Smith: No, we're looking for panties.
Shannon Sharpe: Oh, we're all looking for stuff.
Stan Smith: [to Roger while drunk, wearing a bathrobe] Welco... welcome home, space lothario. You might have slept with Scarlett, but I'm wearing your robe. Ha!
Roger the Alien: Hey, that's my pooping robe. I can tell by all the poop on the edges.
Shannon Sharpe: Shannon Sharpe, sharpening a machete, gonna catch an alien and eat some spaghetti.
Snot Lonstein: [after Hayley beats up Snot for taking her panties] That was amazing. Those are the luckiest panties in the world.