- Max Black: You can't give hipsters a microphone. That's like throwing gasoline on a pretentious fire.
- Max Black: And the technical term for you is "overly-dramatic". Yesterday you freaked out because we were out of toilet paper. Just hold it 'til you get to work like everybody else.
- Han Lee: Now maybe I sing while others wait.
- Max Black: Uh-oh. We got real problems now.
- Han Lee: I choose Susan Boyle popular song from all clips on internet. It's called I Dream...
- [Max unplugs microphone while Han is talking]
- Max Black: Keep dreaming.
- Max Black: [while taking a bath in Caroline's jacuzzi tub] I think me and your tub are going steady.
- Caroline Channing: Oh you found the jacuzzi button.
- Max Black: I don't know who found who but we're together now. I'm totally stealing some of these ridonkulous bath soaps.
- [Picks up a bar of soap carved to look like a green seashell]
- Max Black: This one's shaped like a vagina.
- Caroline Channing: It's a seashell.
- Max Black: Sister, this is a mint green vagina.
- Caroline Channing: When I was 15, I paid the security system guys extra to not wire the skylight, and then I snuck out and went to Illiano Schapiro's sweet sixteen.
- Max Black: Cute.
- Caroline Channing: In Greece.
- Max Black: Hardcore. I used to sneak out of the house an huff spray paint with an ex-marine.
- Max Black: Wait, what about the clothes?
- Caroline Channing: Oh, what am I gonna do? Walk around Williamsburg in a $3,000 gown? Oh my god... wait a minute. Grab everything with a price tag on it that we can re-sell, or that you think I'd look amazing in.
- [Max runs straight to the furs and grabs one off the rack setting off the alarm]
- Caroline Channing: Not the furs they're wired!
- Max Black: Why would you wire the furs?
- Caroline Channing: Everybody wires the furs bitch!
- Caroline Channing: [Sitting next to Max on the subway wearing all the clothes they stole layered one on top of the other] This was my fave purse to take dancing.
- Max Black: How'd you keep it up on your shoulder when you went all mad Krump?
- Caroline Channing: [Looking through the purse] Look!
- [while holding up a handful of money and shouting]
- Caroline Channing: Two hundred dollars!
- Max Black: Is not enough we're sitting on the subway in furs, you gotta make it rain?
- Max Black: [Gesturing at the men working in the corner] Han, those guys better be up there because we're officially putting ass crack on the menu.
- Caroline Channing: [after spitting out the sushi her and Max ate because it was bad] Ugh, what a disappointment. You're first time.
- Max Black: Well that's kinda the way it goes with me and first times.
- Caroline Channing: [while handing Max a napkin] Here, clean yourself off.
- Max Black: [Starts laughing really hard] That's exactly the way it goes!
- Caroline Channing: Ok, there's bulletproof glass... with a bullet in it.
- Max Black: Alright so the glass works...
- Caroline Channing: [Points at the sign in sheet] It says to sign in.
- Max Black: Look, why don't you just take some of our cupcake business savings and go to a good dentist's office? You know, one where you won't get a Staph infection just by looking at the floor.
- Caroline Channing: I just need a bite guard.
- Guy Behind the Glass: Oh! I can do that. That's where they squirt foam in your mouth... and make a mold. Come in the back.
- Max Black: If you go back there with him, you'll need a bite guard and a rape guard.
- Guy Behind the Glass: You want the gas?
- Caroline Channing: Is that necessary?
- Guy Behind the Glass: You're gonna want the gas sweetheart...
- [Max and Caroline run out of the office]
- Oleg: I will give you the money for trip to fancy dentist.
- Caroline Channing: Really? Oleg you would do that?
- Oleg: Is favor I do for you, and at some point when I come to you for favor you will say yes like I say yes now.
- Caroline Channing: Well I'd need to know what that favor might be.
- Oleg: I can't say for sure.
- Caroline Channing: Will it be in a week or a month?
- Oleg: I can't say for sure.
- Caroline Channing: Will it be sexual?
- Oleg: Yes it will be. This I can say for sure.
- Max Black: Why are the floors so bouncy?
- Caroline Channing: It's called carpet.
- Max Black: [after seeing Caroline's old closet for the first time] What! No way! No Way! Is this Narnia? I'm about to say something I swore I'd never say. OMG! Again OMG! It's lame but nothing else really nails it! This is the room that OMG was born for.
- Caroline Channing: Max it's just my closet.
- Max Black: Your clothes have a house! Look! Look!
- [Gasps]
- Max Black: You are rich! Like I know you said you were rich, but you are RICH!
- Max Black: Oh my god, you have a shoe rotisserie.
- Caroline Channing: I designed it, I call it my ferris-heels.
- Max Black: I'd judge you if that wasn't exactly what I'd call it if I had one
- Max Black: [after a montage of her and Caroline dancing to a song they both said they loved] See, I knew what we had in common wouldn't last. Were you Krumping for a second?
- Caroline Channing: Maybe. Were you Tootsie Rolling for a second?
- Max Black: Yes...
- Caroline Channing: Bad news, they heightened security because we tripped the alarm. The entire townhouse is locked down, we can never go back.
- Max Black: My tub! Why does anything that gives me pleasure wind up behind bars?
- Caroline Channing: Forget about the tub, everything was inventoried. We can't sell the furs, I should've thought of that.
- Max Black: Yeah you should've.
- [Yelling in a funny/mocking voice]
- Max Black: 'Cause you know they always inventory the furs, bitch!
- Max Black: Oh my God! This bathroom is huge!
- Caroline Channing: [Brushing it off] It's just a bathroom.
- Max Black: This is *not* just a bathroom! This is, like, the Louvre of pooping!