- Cosmo: That book is terrifying! There are words in it!
- Timmy: [Timmy encounters a newly-constructed building on the island they are stranded on] Whoa! What is this?
- Dad: Eeh, it's a boat store. Everyone knows you can't get a boat without a boat store.
- Timmy: Uh, wouldn't it be easier to just build a boat?
- Dad: Sure, Timmy. And it would be easier to count to 7 if 7 came before 5. But, life doesn't work that way.
- Timmy: OK, look. I think you've been out in the sun a little too long.
- [alarm goes off]
- Sergeant Flinch: General McCloud, remember that bomb we lost?
- General McCloud: [shouting] Which one, Sergeant Flinch? We're the U.S. military. We lose bombs every day.
- Mr. Crocker: It's Turner. He's about to be destroyed for real. Suddenly, I feel alive again!
- General McCloud: [shouting in Mr. Crocker's face] We can't blow up a populated island, Linda. Besides, there's an elf on it. We'll all end up on Santa's naughty list. Deactivate that bomb, sergeant.
- Mr. Crocker: [hearing the growl of the tigers] Wow, I must be really hungry.
- Timmy: That wasn't your stomach growing. That was a bunch of escaped saber-toothed tigers with night vision!
- Mr. Crocker: If that's true, I picked a bad day to wear my new pork-chop underpants.
- Timmy: You're wearing pork-chop underpants?
- [the tigers appear]
- Mr. Crocker: Ah! Take it up, Mother!
- [the tigers maul him]
- Mr. Crocker: AH! NOT THE PORK-CHOPS!
- Mr. Crocker: [having met up with Timmy in the hospital] Did I hear someone mention fairies?
- Timmy: Mr. Crocker? What are you doing in the hospital?
- Mr. Crocker: I had to get those tigers surgically removed from my underwear. I don't know which was worse: the tiger attack or the passionate mouth-to-mouth from Mother.
- Mom: What happened to the light? Is it a power outage or an eclipse?
- Chet Ubetcha: [suddenly a voice is heard] This is Chet Ubetcha saying it's not a power outage and your eyes are open.
- Dad: Oh, good. Honey, you found a radio.
- Mom: No I didn't.
- Chet Ubetcha: [his eyes appear on-screen] This just in: It's dark in Dimmsdale and I'm lost! This also just in: A circus train has derailed in the dark. The crash has freed a pack of rare and hungry saber-toothed tigers with night vision! Citizens are advised to stay home and not do anything to attract the savage carnivores.
- [walks off and falls down a trapdoor]
- Dad: Sorry, Chet. I just installed a new trapdoor in the living room!