"Two and a Half Men: Nice to Meet You, Walden Schmidt (#9.1)"
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"Two and a Half Men" - "Nice to Meet You, Walden Schmidt" - Sept. 18, 2011

We open on a casket at a funeral. Alan is giving a eulogy for Charlie, talking about how he lived life on his own terms and how much he gave to his friends and family.

Many of his exes are in attendance, they all talk about the diseases he gave them: herpes, genital warts, and chlamydia. Also, his sexual proclivities.

Evelyn basically tries to sell Charlie's house during the service as well.

The casket is closed due to the "circumstances of his passing."

We hear from the person who was with Charlie at the end: Rose. Crazy Rose from the early seasons. She says they ran away together to Paris and he asked her to marry him. She came home from shopping and found him with another woman. She says she forgave him but he accidentally fell in front of a Metro train the next day. She said he didn't feel pain: his body just exploded like a bag of meat. Jake notes that he is now hungry.

Back at the house the gang reminisces. Berta says Charlie was a great boss and all he ever wanted was clean sheets and hosing the vomit off a drug-addled hooker.

Alan wonders why they have to sell the house since Charlie left it to him. Evelyn points out that Alan can't make the mortgage payments. She says she can't afford to maintain her mortgage and his. She says Alan and Jake can come live with her.

John Stamos comes to the open house. He realizes it's Charlie's house and can't stay because of bad memories: a threesome in which the girl passed out and he and Charlie kept going. Jenna Elfman and Thomas Gibson also drop by as Dharma and Greg. They are bickering, angry people now. (Best joke so far).

Later in the evening Charlie's ashes arrive. Alan pulls out the urn and has a moment. He tells Charlie that he loved him and will miss him and is grateful that he took himself and Jake in. He reveals that Charlie wanted Pam Anderson to swallow his ashes. He decides to sprinkle them on the beach where pretty girls covered in oil will sit on him. But as he goes to take the urn he spies a wet, bearded man through the sliding glass doors and the ashes go everywhere as he shrieks.

The man asks to use Alan's phone. He explains he was trying to drown himself but the water was too cold. He grabs the phone while Alan grabs a towel. He calls someone and says that he flung himself in the ocean because he can't live without them. The person won't take him back.

Alan tries to counsel him saying he's been there: rejected, heartbroken, broke. The guy says he's not broke, he's a billionaire and he would give it all up for his wife, Bridget. He figures Alan has an okay life living in a beach house in Malibu. Alan says it's his dead brother's house and he's selling it. The guy apologizes for making Alan spill Charlie.

Alan convinces the guy to go out for a drink and talk. His name is Walden Schmidt. He undresses so Alan can put his clothes in the dryer and hugs him. Alan notes his prodigious endowment.

At the bar Alan asks about how he made his money. Bascially, Walden says he sold something to Microsoft. Alan mentions how well-hung Walden is. They proceed to get drunk and Walden explains that Bridget was his high school sweetheart. She said he was emotionally immature: like threatening suicide unless she took him back. Alan commiserates about his divorce. Alan tells him to try and meet someone new just for tonight like the women who just walked in. Walden asks what he should say. Alan says to try "hi." Walden tries that and then says "my wife dumped me and I want to die." She feels bad for him as he cries. Alan is disgusted that this works and then tries it on her friend.

They bring the girls back to Alan's house. Walden wants to go back to his hotel but Alan says Charlie would be proud. Walden and the girls go upstairs, ditching Alan, which is depressingly familiar for him.

The next morning Berta meets Walden and his impressive endowment. He tells Alan he had sex with two girls. Alan says he masturbated and cried himself to sleep. Walden says his night was better. He also likes his house so he's going to buy it. Alan thanks him. Walden hugs him as Jake and Judith walk in. Jake: "Whoa!" Judith:"I like him."


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