Sherlock Holmes: We're looking for a dog, yes? A great big dog, that's your brilliant theory. Cherchez le chien. Good, excellent, yes. Where shall we start? How about them - the sentimental widow and her son, the unemployed fisherman? The answer's yes.
Dr. John Watson: Yes?
Sherlock Holmes: She's got a West Highland terrier called Whisky. Not exactly what we're looking for.
Dr. John Watson: Sherlock, for God's sake...
Sherlock Holmes: Look at the jumper he's wearing. Hardly worn. Clearly he's uncomfortable in it. Maybe it's because of the material; more likely the hideous pattern, suggesting it's a present, probably Christmas. So he wants into his mother's good books. Why? Almost certainly money. He's treating her to a meal but his own portion is small. That means he wants to impress her, but he's trying to economise on his own food.
Dr. John Watson: Well, maybe he's just not hungry.
Sherlock Holmes: No, small plate. Starter. He's practically licked it clean. She's nearly finished her pavlova. If she'd treated him, he'd have as much as he wanted. He's hungry all right, and not well off - you can tell that by the state of his cuffs and shoes.
Sherlock Holmes: "How d'you know she's his mother?" Who else would give him a Christmas present like that? Well, it could be an aunt or an older sister, but mother's more likely. Now, he was a fisherman. Scarring pattern on his hands, very distinctive - fish hooks. They're all quite old now, which suggests he's been unemployed for some time. Not much industry in this part of the world, so he's turned to his widowed mother for help.
[Again, imitating John:]
Sherlock Holmes: "Widowed?" Yes, obviously. She's got a man's wedding ring on a chain round her neck - clearly her late husband's and too big for her finger. She's well-dressed but her jewellery's cheap. She could afford better, but she's kept it - sentimental. Now, the dog: tiny little hairs all over the leg from where it gets a little bit too friendly, but no hairs above the knees, suggesting it's a small dog, probably a terrier. In fact, it is a West Highland terrier called Whisky.
[Once again, imitating John:]
Sherlock Holmes: "How the hell do you know that, Sherlock?" 'Cause she was on the same train as us and I heard her calling its name and that's not cheating, that's listening, I use my senses, John, unlike some people, so you see, I am fine, in fact I've never been better, so just LEAVE ME ALONE!
Henry Knight: It's a strange place, the Hollow. Makes you feel so cold inside, so afraid.
Sherlock Holmes: Yes, if I wanted poetry, I'd read John's emails to his girlfriends. Much funnier.
Sherlock Holmes: Listen, what I said before, John, I meant it. I don't have friends. I've just got one.
Dr. John Watson: Right.
Sherlock Holmes: Get out. I need to go to my mind palace.
Sherlock Holmes: It's this or Cluedo.
Dr. John Watson: Ah, no, we are never playing that again.
Sherlock Holmes: Why not?
Dr. John Watson: Because it's not actually possible for the victim to have done it, Sherlock, that's why!
Sherlock Holmes: Well, it's the only possible solution.
Dr. John Watson: It's not in the rules!
Sherlock Holmes: Well, then, the rules are wrong!
Sherlock Holmes: [covered head to toe in blood, holding a harpoon] Well, that was tedious.
Dr. John Watson: You went on the tube like that?
Sherlock Holmes: None of the cabs would take me.
Sherlock Holmes: John? John! You are AMAZING, you are FANTASTIC!
Dr. John Watson: Yes, all right. You don't have to overdo it.
Sherlock Holmes: You've never been the most luminous of people, but as a conductor of light, you are UNBEATABLE!
Dr. John Watson: Cheers. What?
Sherlock Holmes: Some people who aren't geniuses have an amazing ability to stimulate it in others.
Dr. John Watson: Hang on, you were saying sorry a minute ago. Don't spoil it. Go on. What have I done that's so bloody stimulating?
Dr. John Watson: Oh, please. C-can we not do this, this time?
Sherlock Holmes: Do what?
Dr. John Watson: You, being all, uh, mysterious with your... cheekbones, and turning your coat collar up so you look cool.
Sherlock Holmes: I don't do that.
Dr. John Watson: Yeah, you do.
Dr. John Watson: Did we just break into a military base to investigate a rabbit?
Dr. John Watson: We'll get caught.
Sherlock Holmes: No, we won't. Well, not just yet.
Dr. John Watson: Caught in five minutes. "Oh, hi, we just thought we'd come in and wander around your top secret weapons base." "Really? Great! Come in. Kettle's just boiled." That's if we don't get shot.
[Sherlock tears through the apartment, looking for cigarettes]
Sherlock Holmes: Tell me where they are. Please tell me. Please.
Dr. John Watson: Can't help, sorry.
Sherlock Holmes: I'll let you know next week's lottery numbers.
Sherlock Holmes: It was worth a try.
Henry Knight: [bitterly] I'm not sure you can help me, Mr. Holmes, since you find it all so FUNNY.
Sherlock Holmes: Because of what happened last night.
Dr. John Watson: Why, what happened last night?
Henry Knight: How... how do you know?
Sherlock Holmes: I didn't know. I noticed. Came up from Devon on the first available train this morning. You had a disappointing breakfast and a cup of black coffee. The girl in the seat across the aisle fancied you. Although you were initially keen, you've now changed your mind. You are, however, extremely anxious to have your first cigarette of the day. Sit down Mr. Knight and do please smoke. I'd be delighted.
Henry Knight: How on earth did you notice all that?
Dr. John Watson: It's not important.
Sherlock Holmes: Punched out holes where your ticket's been checked.
Dr. John Watson: Not now, Sherlock.
Sherlock Holmes: Oh, please, I've been cooped up in here for ages.
Dr. John Watson: You're just showing off.
Sherlock Holmes: Of course. I AM a show-off. That's what we do. Train napkin used to mop up the spilled coffee - strength of the stain shows that you didn't take milk - but traces of ketchup on it and around your lips and on your sleeve - cooked breakfast, or the nearest thing those trains can manage. Probably a sandwich.
Henry Knight: [chuckles nervously] How did you know it was disappointing?
Sherlock Holmes: Is there any other type of breakfast on a train? The girl - female handwriting's quite distinctive - wrote her phone number down on the napkin. I can tell from the angle she wrote at that she was sat across from you on the other side of the aisle. Later - after she got off, I imagine - you used the napkin to mop up your spilled coffee, accidentally smudging the numbers. You've been over the last four digits yourself in another pen - so you wanted to keep the number. Just now though, you used the napkin to blow your nose - maybe you're not that into her after all. Then there's the nicotine stains on your fingers, your shaking fingers. I know the signs. No chance to smoke one on the train nor time to roll one before you got a cab here. It's just after 9:15; you're desperate. The first train from Exeter to London leaves at 5:46 AM. You got the first one possible - so something important must have happened last night. Am I wrong?
Henry Knight: No. You're right. You're completely, exactly right. Bloody hell, I heard you were quick.
Sherlock Holmes: It's my job. Now shut up and smoke.
Sherlock Holmes: Nice touch.
Dr. John Watson: Haven't pulled rank in ages.
Sherlock Holmes: Enjoy it?
Dr. John Watson: Oh, yeah.
Sherlock Holmes: How 'bout Louise Mortimer? Did you get anywhere with her?
Dr. John Watson: No.
Sherlock Holmes: Too bad. Did you get any information?
Dr. John Watson: Hm? You're being funny now?
Sherlock Holmes: Thought it might break the ice... a bit.
Dr. John Watson: Funny doesn't suit you. I'd stick to ice.
Sherlock Holmes: I'll take the case.
Dr. John Watson: Sorry, what?
Sherlock Holmes: Thank you for bringing this to my attention. It's very promising.
Dr. John Watson: No no no. Sorry, what? A minute ago footprints were boring, and now they're very promising?
Sherlock Holmes: It has nothing to do with footprints. As ever, John, you weren't listening.
Dr. John Watson: Nothing on the website?
Sherlock Holmes: [hands John his laptop] "Dear Mr. Sherlock Holmes, I can't find Bluebell anywhere. Please, please, please can you help?"
Dr. John Watson: Bluebell?
Sherlock Holmes: A rabbit, John!
Dr. John Watson: Oh.
Sherlock Holmes: Ah, but there's more! Before Bluebell disappeared, it turned luminous, "like a fairy," according to little Kirsty, then the next morning Bluebell was gone, hutch still locked, no sign of a forced entry. What am I saying? This is brilliant! Phone Lestrade, tell him there's an escaped rabbit.
Sherlock Holmes: You serious?
Dr. John Watson: [about Sherlock's "mind palace"] It's a memory technique, a sort of mental map. You plot a... a map with a location - it doesn't have to be a real place - and then you deposit memories there that... theoretically, you can never forget anything. All you have to do is find your way back to it.
Dr. Stapleton: So this imaginary location could be anything - a house, a street...?
Dr. John Watson: Yeah.
Dr. Stapleton: It's a palace. He said it was a palace.
Dr. John Watson: Yeah, well, he would, wouldn't he?
Dr. John Watson: What're you talking about, "you're busy?" You don't have a case. A minute ago you were complaining...
Sherlock Holmes: Bluebell, John! I've got Bluebell, the case of the vanishing glow-in-the-dark rabbit. NATO's in uproar.
Dr. John Watson: [Mrs Hudson leaves the apartment] What the bloody hell was all that about?
Sherlock Holmes: You don't understand.
Dr. John Watson: Go after her and apologise.
Sherlock Holmes: Apologise?
Dr. John Watson: Hm.
Sherlock Holmes: Oh, John, I envy you so much.
Dr. John Watson: You envy me?
Sherlock Holmes: Your mind, it's so placid, straight-forward, barely used. Mine's like an engine, racing out of control, a rocket, tearing itself to pieces, trapped on the launch pad. I NEED A CASE!
Dr. John Watson: You've just solved one, by harpooning a dead pig, apparantly.
Sherlock Holmes: Ghaaah, that was this morning. When's the next one?
Sherlock Holmes: Twenty-year-old disappearance... a monstrous hound... I wouldn't miss this for the world!
Sherlock Holmes: I never did ask, Dr. Frankland, what exactly is it that you do here?
Dr. Frankland: Ah, Mr. Holmes, I would LOVE to tell you, but then, of course, I'd have to kill you, ha-ha.
Sherlock Holmes: That would be tremendously ambitious of you.
Henry Knight: Why didn't you just kill me?
Sherlock Holmes: Because dead men get listened to! He needed to do more than kill you! He had to discredit every word you ever said about your father, and he had the means right at his feet. A chemical minefield, pressure pads in the ground, dosing you up every time that you came back here. Murder weapon and scene of the crime, all at once. Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho, this case, Henry! Thank you! It's been BRILLIANT!
Dr. John Watson: Sherlock.
Sherlock Holmes: What?
Dr. John Watson: Timing!
Sherlock Holmes: No good?
Sherlock Holmes: So we know that Dr. Stapleton performs secret genetic experiments on animals. The question is, has she been working on something deadlier than a rabbit?
Dr. John Watson: To be fair, that is quite a wide field.
Sherlock Holmes: [turns the TV off] What did you see?
Henry Knight: [points to the TV] Oh, I... I was just about to say.
Sherlock Holmes: Yes, in a TV interview. I prefer to do my own editing.
Henry Knight: Yes. Sorry, yes, of course. Excuse me.
[blows his nose]
Dr. John Watson: In your own time.
Sherlock Holmes: But quite quickly.
Sherlock Holmes: What happened last night, something happened to me, something I've not really experienced before.
Dr. John Watson: Yes, you said, "fear." "Sherlock Holmes got scared" you said.
Sherlock Holmes: No, no, no, it was more than that, John. It was doubt. I felt doubt. Always been able to trust my senses, the evidence of my own eyes, until last night.
Sherlock Holmes: What the hell are YOU doing here?
DI Lestrade: Oh. Nice to see you, too. I'm on holiday, would you believe?
Sherlock Holmes: No, I wouldn't.
DI Lestrade: Hello, John.
Dr. John Watson: Greg.
DI Lestrade: I heard you were in the area. What are you up to? You after this Hound of Hell, like on the telly?
Sherlock Holmes: I'm waiting for an explanation, Inspector. Why are you here?
DI Lestrade: I've told you. I'm on holiday.
Sherlock Holmes: You're brown as a nut! You're clearly just BACK from your holidays.
DI Lestrade: Maybe I'd fancied another one.
Sherlock Holmes: Oh, this is Mycroft, isn't it?
DI Lestrade: Now, look...
Sherlock Holmes: Of course it is. One mention of Baskerville and he sends down my "handler" to... to spy on me, incognito. Is that why you're calling yourself "Greg?"
Dr. John Watson: That's his name!
Sherlock Holmes: Is it?
DI Lestrade: Yes... if you'd ever bother to find out. Look, I'm not your handler, and I don't just do what your brother tells me.
Sherlock Holmes: [via text] Henry's therapist currently in Cross Keys Pub. S
Dr. John Watson: [via text] SO?
Sherlock Holmes: [via text] Interview her?
Dr. John Watson: [via text] Why should I?
[texts John a picture of the very attractive therapist]
Dr. John Watson: Ooo, you're a bad man.
Sherlock Holmes: Morning! Oh, how are you feeling?
Henry Knight: I... I didn't sleep very well.
Sherlock Holmes: That's a shame. Shall I make you some coffee? Oh, look, you've got damp!
Major Barrymore: I don't know what it is you expect to find here anyway.
Sherlock Holmes: Perhaps the truth.
Major Barrymore: About what? Oh, I see. The big coat should have told me. You're one of the conspiracy lot, aren't you? Well, then, go ahead, seek them out - the monsters, the death rays, the aliens...
Sherlock Holmes: You got any of those? Oh, just wondering.
Major Barrymore: A couple. Crash-landed here in the sixties. We call them Abbott and Costello.
Dr. John Watson: You can't actually believe that you saw some kind of monster.
Sherlock Holmes: No, I can't believe that, but I did see it, so the question is - how? How?
Dr. John Watson: Single ring.
Sherlock Holmes: Maximum pressure just under the half-second.
Sherlock Holmes: Boring! Goodbye, Mr. Knight. Thank you for smoking.
Dr. John Watson: Okay, what about his father? He wasn't one of your patients. Wasn't he some sort of conspiracy nutter - theorist?
Dr. Mortimer: You're only a nutter if you're wrong.
Dr. John Watson: Mm. And was he wrong?
Dr. Mortimer: I should think so.
[about exposure to the chemical weapon at Baskerville]
Dr. John Watson: Any long-term effects?
Sherlock Holmes: None at all. You'll be fine once you've excreted it. We all will.
Dr. John Watson: Hmm... think I might have taken care of that already.
Corporal Lyons: It's just we don't get inspected here, you see, sir. It just doesn't happen.
Dr. John Watson: Ever heard of a spot check? Captain John Watson, Fifth North Umberland Fusiliers.
Corporal Lyons: Sir. Major Barrymore won't be pleased, sir. He'll want to see you both.
Dr. John Watson: I'm afraid we won't have time for that. We'll need the full tour, right away. Carry on. That's an order, Corporal.
Corporal Lyons: Yes, sir.
Dr. Frankland: This is about Henry Knight, isn't it? I thought so. Oh, I knew he wanted help, but I didn't realize he was going to contact Sherlock Holmes. Oh, don't worry, I know who you really are. I'm never off your website. I thought you'd be wearing the hat, though.
Sherlock Holmes: That wasn't my hat.
Dr. Frankland: [to John] I hardly recognized him without the hat.
Sherlock Holmes: Wasn't my hat.
Dr. Frankland: I love the blog, too, Dr. Watson.
Dr. John Watson: Oh, cheers.
[as Holmes and Watson leave their apartment, they see Mrs. Hudson in the sandwich shop, shouting angrily at the owner]
Dr. John Watson: Looks like Mrs. Hudson finally got to the wife in Doncaster.
Sherlock Holmes: Hmm. Wait till she finds out about the one in Islamabad.
Dr. Stapleton: Oh, back again? What's on your mind this time?
Sherlock Holmes: Murder, Dr. Stapleton. Refined, cold-blooded murder.
Dr. John Watson: I couldn't help noticing on the map of the moor... the skull and crossbones?
Gary: Oh, that. Right.
Dr. John Watson: But... pirates?
Gary: Eh, no, no. The Great Grimpen Minefield they call it.
Dr. John Watson: Oh, right.
Gary: It's not what you think. It's the Baskerville Testing site. It's been going for eighty-odd years; I'm not sure anyone knows really what's there anymore.
Dr. John Watson: Mmm. Explosives?
Gary: Oh, not just explosives. Hm. Break out of that place, and if you're lucky, you just get blowed up, so they say. In case you're planning a nice, wee stroll.
Dr. John Watson: Ta. I'll remember.
Gary: Aye. Now it buggers up tourism a bit; so, eh, thank God for the demon hound, heh-heh. Did you see that show, the documentary?
Dr. John Watson: Uh, quite recently, yeah.
Gary: God bless Henry Knight and his monster from Hell.
Dr. John Watson: Ever seen it? The hound?
Gary: Me? No, no. Uh, Fletcher has. He runs the walks, the monster walks, for the tourists, you know? He's seen it.
Dr. John Watson: That's handy, for trade.
Gary: I'm just saying we've been rushed off our feet, Billy.
Billy: Yeah - lots of monster hunters. Don't take much these days. One mention on Twitter and WHOOMPH! We're out of WKD.
Gary: All right.
Billy: What with the monster and the ruddy prison, I... I don't know how we sleep nights. Do you, Gary?
Gary: Like a baby.
Billy: That's not true. He's a snorer.
Gary: Hey! Hush't!
Billy: Is yours a snorer?
Dr. John Watson: Got any crisps?
Dr. John Watson: Sherlock's got a plan?
Sherlock Holmes: Yes.
Henry Knight: Right.
Sherlock Holmes: We take you back onto the moor...
Henry Knight: Okay.
Sherlock Holmes: ...see if anything attacks you.
Dr. John Watson: What?
Sherlock Holmes: That should bring things to a head.
Sherlock Holmes: Listen, if there is a monster out there, John, there's only one thing to do: find out where it lives.
Sherlock Holmes: I use my senses, John, unlike some people, so you see, I am fine, in fact I've never been better, so just LEAVE. ME. ALONE!
Dr. John Watson: [offended] Yeah, OK, OK. Don't listen to me. I am just your friend.
Sherlock Holmes: I don't have FRIENDS!
Dr. John Watson: No. I wonder why?