If you love dreamy vampires, Facebook and actors shamelessly pimping upcoming projects, then this year's MTV Movie Awards should be your cup of tea.
We open as always with host Jason Sudeikis in a skit. It begins with Sudeikis waking up hung-over (in Pakistan, it seems) and calling Chelsea Handler to say he's misplaced Taylor Lautner. We flashback to 24 hour earlier when Sudeikis and Justin Bartha decide to have a few beers. Sudeikis wakes up in what appears to be Bangkok. Eva Mendes has tattooed "Team Jacob .4 Ever" to her face; a disaster as she has "always been Team Edward." She bit Lautner's finger off and there is a black swan with a denim vest standing nearby. Sudeikis then walks into the Black Swan scene with Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis fooling around. He interacts with scenes from Social Network, 127 Hours and Eclipse before finding Lautner. He and Lautner (and the swan) return to watch more of Portman and Kunis before starting the show.
Sudeikis' monologue is standard stuff, heavy on Schwarzenegger, Timberlake and references to the stars in attendance. He makes a solid joke about Selena Gomez swallowing Justin Bieber's baby teeth as Gomez lamely hides her face and a friend looks horrified.
Kunis and Timberlake come out to present the award for Best Male Performance. To prove they are only plutonic friends, Timberlake and Kunis grope one another rather graphically. Shockingly (read: not shockingly at all) somebody from Eclipse wins. It's Robert Pattinson, who says he's surprised.
J.J. Abrams, Elle Fanning, Joel Courtney and Stephen Spielberg come out and tell us about their new movie, Super 8. As MTV viewers we are about to be lucky enough to watch a commercial, er, world premiere trailer. We do.
Steve Carrell, Emma Stone and Ryan Gosling are the next presenters. They tell us Best Villain goes to Tom Felton from Harry Potter. He thanks everybody for being so patient in waiting for the last film.
Jim Carrey is introduced. His suit is being used as a green screen. He talks about shock value while dogs humping are shown on his jacket. He introduces Foo Fighters, who perform "Walk."
The next presenters are Danny McBride, Aziz Ansari and Nick Swardson. Ansari is dressed as Jaden Smith from The Karate Kid. Best Jaw Dropping Moment goes to Bieber for him doing something not jaw dropping at all. As the guys lament Bieber not being there to accept, Bieber comes out to accept. He thanks his management and his fans while melting our cynical American hearts.
After the commercial Sudeikis speaks with Bob the Boulder (literally a guy in a boulder costume), star of 127 Hours.
The next presenters are from an upcoming movie about things transforming: Shia LaBeouf, Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, Josh Duhamel and Patrick Dempsey are going to tell us who won Best Fight. Brace yourself, because the award goes to Eclipse -- Robert Pattinson vs. Bryce Dallas Howard and Xavier Samuel. They make references to the scene and Howard's real-life pregnancy.
Sudeikis tells us he's written theme songs for some of the movies nominated. After the first one, MTV appears to have a hiccup with the delay and during Sudeikis' duet with Emma Stone the actors voices are about a full second behind their lips moving. This continues for one more song, making it difficult to follow the jokes during that time. MTV gets their audio-visual back together for a quick cameo from Dave Grohl.
The next presenters are Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively. They present Best Kiss with help from a lame joke with the Jackass guys. Since Eclipse is nominated twice for this award the only question is which Kristen Stewart-vampire kiss will win. The answer is Stewart and Robert Pattinson. They dance around the subject of kissing each other, then Pattinson runs into the crowd and kisses (sort of) Lautner,after that Lautner cleans Robert's spit under his mouth a beautiful image. The moment is as enjoyable as lung cancer.
Emma Watson is "very proud" to give us a sneak peak at the final Harry Potter movie, which based on the title is about deadly swallows. Or something.
Dempsey, Pattinson and Handler are back on the stage to present the MTV Generations award to Reese Witherspoon, which seems strange given that Witherspoon has never appeared in a Twilight film. They awkwardly read off Witherspoon's filmography and reference her charity work. At the mention of Witherspoon's charity Pattinson misses a cue and starts giggling like an idiot, virtually bringing the show to a halt. It's bad enough that Handler says: "This is the worst." The MTV censors completely whiff on cutting out a Pattinson f-bomb said while massacring a joke. Handler brings it back, comparing Zac Efron to Emma Watson. Following a clip montage Witherspoon playfully roasts Handler and fixes Pattinson's joke. She then talks about trying to be one of Hollywood's "good girls."
We next get a "Message from Fast Five." This features Tyrese Gibson and Sudeikis, who is dressed as actor Dick Fuel, a Vin Diesel-type who was cut out of the film. They tell us how dangerous it is to text during an illegal street race and beat to death a joke about Gibson being annoyed by the Fuel character.
Jason Segel and Cameron Diaz are out to present the Best Line From a Movie. Diaz' phone rings and we are told that Segel's rear end is able to make phone calls and text. Eclipse is not nominated so the little girl from Grown Ups gets the win for her genuinely adorable "I want to get chocolate wasted" line.
Ashton Kutcher and Nicki Minaj present Best Female Performance. The award is given to Dame Judi Dench. And by Dame Judi Dench, we of course we mean somebody from Eclipse. It's Kristen Stewart, who says "we have, like, obviously the greatest fans ever" and makes a reference to Portman's Oscar victory that seems to be a pretty blatant shot at the award she's just received.
Selena Gomez, Leighton Meester and Katie Cassidy are out to introduce Lupe Fiasco and Trey Songz who perform "Out of My Head."
Sudeikis, Jason Bateman and Charlie Day present Best Comedic Performance. Emma Stone wins for Easy A.
Since there hasn't been enough of them on the stage thus far, Pattinson, Lautner and Stewart come out to tell us about the next "exclusive" sneak peak.
Gary Busey is out to present the Best Movie award while walking inside a hamster ball. Seriously. The award goes to a film about vampires, the name of which escapes me.
In conclusion this was an interesting 2011 Vampires Movie Awards ever.