Gena: I mean, I got this theory about blowjobs. If you wanna hear it.
Barely Attractive Guy: Yeah. Yeah, sure. Should be interesting.
Gena: I personally believe that blowjobs are an extremely delicate thing. You know? Like if you're ranking him on a scale of 1-10. Like 1 being blowing it kisses and 10 being I'm like, choking on semen. Vomit just everywhere. I think you gotta start off with 4's and with 5's. Just enough so that you know and I know exactly what I'm doing but with zero enthusiasm. I'm giving you nothing. Because then you'll just be like, alright fine I'll just fuck her. Cause if I start off with a 10 I got nowhere to go. Why are you gonna spend any time fucking me? You just came all over my face. So you start off small, right? Build. I'll give you a 6 after a fight when we're making up. An 8 when you spent a shitload of money on me or get me something that's a sweet gift or something. I'll do a full 8. Then I circle it back. Back to the 3's, the 4's, and 5's because that shit every time without fail makes the guy's dick alarm go off. You know what I mean when I say dick alarm.
Barely Attractive Guy: [laughing] Yeah.
Gena: Right? You're gonna be like, hey baby what's wrong with you? You're acting funny. Why so sad? When really what you're telling me is, goddamn it just suck my dick harder!
Barely Attractive Guy: So, um, let's just say what would merit a 10?
Gena: What's an example? I don't know. You're like on an airplane. You're going to a wedding for this girl you went to high school with and your ex-boyfriend who ruined your fucking life is gonna be there.
Barely Attractive Guy: Jerk.
Gena: All this pent up frustration sitting next to some dude you're never gonna see again. That would warrant a 10.
Barely Attractive Guy: Well, what about this guy?
[points to himself]
Gena: Oh no. I feel like I'll definitely see you again.
Clyde: And you're wearing a dress?
Gena: No, actually it's a t-shirt.
Clyde: well, it's good to see you're still fighting the good fight against the tyranny of pants.
Gena: [to cab driver] Sir? Sir! I will suck your dick if you get us there in two minutes.
Clyde: Look, I think we might be meant for each other. And I'm not kidding.
Gena: Scratch that. This guy will suck your dick.
Gena: [to cab driver] Oh my God, if you take Park Avenue I will fucking end you! I will end you!
Gena: Okay, listen to me. There are two different types of guys in bed. Number one, Brian Krakow. Didn't have sex 'til college, super grateful. Literally makes a home down here, sets up shop, wants to live in it. Number two, Jordan Catalano. Won't go near the ares. Terrified of it. Very good looking, but you know, not worth the time.
Joe: You know what this is like? Really just like high school, but instead of French homework, it's my dick.
Katie: Well, that's not true, because French was actually hard.
Becky: This is all fucked up. I'm gonna walk in wearing my pajamas like I'm fucking Michael Jackson.
Katie: I have a really important announcement. I lost my cell phone, and the last time I saw it, was back there, and I just feel like somebody took it.
Regan: Okay, how much money do you guys have?
Katie: I have 5 maxed out credit cards!
Gena: I have a twen... actually I ripped it. I got nothing.
Regan: Well, that sums up your lives.
Dale: You know how there are, like, serial killers, and then there's Hannibal Lecter?
Clyde: There are girls, and then there's Regan.
Katie: Oh, do you believe in magic?
Joe: Yes, I do. That's abso... yes.
Katie: Do you believe in a magic vagina?
Joe: A magic vagina?
Katie: It would bewitch you with its magic.
Joe: I've been bewitched by vaginas before. It's scary, actually.
Katie: Once I was so stoned I thought I was in an episode of 90210, and I kept yelling "Dylan!".
Joe: Awesome! I got so fucked up once on shrooms that I started a fight club with my cats.
Katie: I once got so wrecked that I woke up naked next to a hamburger, and I was like "did I just have sex with a hamburger?"
Gena: You're seriously making pancakes right now?
Clyde: I am. Yours has a sad face made out of chocolate chips, because the world is an asshole and it's gonna get you.
Gena: [seeing the torn wedding dress out in the open] What are you doing? Why do you have the baby out of the garbage bag?
Regan: I'm matching the thread color to the dress.
Gena: [mockingly] Uh, it's a wedding dress. I think maybe it's white.
Katie: Oh, actually, it's ivory.
Regan: Actually, it's pearl.
Gena: OK. You know what? Knowing stuff like that does not make you guys cool. It makes you...
Katie: God blessed me with perfect tits, it's only right that people should know that?
Gena: I was gonna say it makes you stupid.