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For those of you who did not know, The Cheesecake Factory offers shepherd's pie. Priya (Aarti Mann) wouldn't mind splitting it with Leonard (Johnny Galecki), but as Penny (Kaley Cuoco) warns her, "milk in the 'taters, milk in the gravy, parmesan crust, your lactose-intolerant boyfriend will turn into a Macy's Day balloon." Which gets a laugh from the entire gang. And Sheldon (Jim Parsons) pointing out Leonard would actually be filled with methane instead of helium gets a laugh, too. Much to his surprise. Howard (Simon Helberg) thinks it's great, Leonard's girlfriend and ex-girlfriend bonding over "his rooty-tooty stinky booty."

LEONARD: Oh, just kill me.

SHELDON: Wouldn't help. The human body is capable of being flatulent for hours after death.

Sheldon's on a roll tonight! Bernadette (Melissa Rauch) turned in her dissertation and got her PhD and got a job offer from a pharmaceutical company, where she'll make a "buttload of money." As opposed to Leonard, who has a buttload of something else. And according to Penny, everybody sitting at the table has a doctorate...except Howard.

LEONARD: At least when I roll down the window in the car, everything's peachy. You roll down the window, you're still not a doctor.

PENNY: (to Priya) Trust me, even when he rolls down the window, everything is not "peachy."

Raj (Kunal Nayyar) is kicking it at his apartment with some Vanilla Ice. (Shocking.) And it appears Priya changed her name to Lt. Uhura...at Leonard's request. Seriously, four nerds like this and two of them now have real girlfriends, a Star Trek sex fantasy is inevitable. Leonard tells her to prepare for "inspection." Priya's worried because Raj is right outside, but Leonard reminds her he has headphones on (not right now), and she should open the shuttle bay doors and prepare for landing. Raj runs for the hills and lands at Howard's place, where even Howard's mother is giving him crap about not being a doctor. Raj explains his situation and asks if he can stay the night. Howard has a date, so it'd be just Raj and Howard's mother. Howard asks, and his mother is excited to play Doctor with Raj.

RAJ: She's kidding, right?

HOWARD: I'm not sure. She's been acting a bit fiesty since they put her on hormonal replacement therapy.

And off to Sheldon's it is, where Amy (Mayim Bialik) talks about the difference between her Neurobiology doctorate and Bernadette's Microbiology doctorate. ("I study the brain, which produced Beethoven's Fifth Symphony. Bernadette studies yeast, which produces Michelob Lite.") On the good side, Amy gives Sheldon some instructions on how to work out the twinge in his neck. He finds the myofascial point on the shoulder and bears down on it "like the seventh grade noogies we know all too well." And it works. In fact, it was like donating at the sperm bank for Sheldon, minus the contribution to society. Raj explains Leonard is having "astronomically-incorrect Star Trek sex" in his bed, and Sheldon whips out the release form for using Leonard's bed without Leonard's permission. Plus the safety briefing about the emergency exits, complete with luminous arrows should the power go out.

In the morning, Leonard was surprised Raj was in his bed, but Raj retorted that his bed was "being used to bring shame to my family...and the memory of Gene Roddenberry." Raj's reward for all of this? A CPR refresher course using a dummy. "Mouth-to-mouth Mona"...whom Howard used to date. Leonard sympathizes but Priya didn't get along with Sheldon. (RAJ: Sheldon doesn't get along with Sheldon!) Leonard proposes they switch apartments until Priya gets her own place.

RAJ: Can I bring girls here?

LEONARD: (amused) Bring as many as you want. Just...not against their will.

As Leonard and Raj tease Howard about watching his weight since he'll be a trophy husband, Sheldon brings all of the paperwork to sign, which includes a living will where Sheldon can make all of Raj's decisions in a case of life-threatening circumstances. (LEONARD: There's a reciprocity clause: you get to pull the plug on him, too.) Raj also gets his tasks of driving Sheldon everywhere, picking up takeout dinners (tonight's menu was in appendix B or downloadable from Sheldon's server), and he received an FAQ sheet. Although Sheldon does have a live webchat on Tuesday nights about the apartment for when Raj desires a more "human approach" to living there. But give Raj credit: he really threw himself into the first dinner, complete with candles, a bottle of good wine, and what sounded like Kenny G in the background.

SHELDON: Remarkable! I'm just realizing how much Leonard's been skating by all these years!

RAJ: Just think of me as a brown Martha Stewart.

Penny came by because Sheldon changed the wi-fi password again and wondered what happened to Leonard. Like homo erectus, Leonard was replaced by a superior species. (RAJ: I'm the new homo in town!)

Howard asked Bernadette what she'd be doing at her new job, and she decided to volunteer for the premature ejaculation project. Like you didn't see that coming. (boooo!!!) But Howard put that to the side, as Bernadette bought Howard a Rolex watch. Howard was flabbergasted and wondered how much it cost, but Bernadette told him to let her worry about the money, because she wants Howard to have pretty things.

Penny has joined Sheldon and Raj for dinner, and is well into the wine, thanks to Sheldon's dinner conversations. Apparently, there's another species besides humans who ferment fruit to make alcohol and get drunk. Hint: they have trunks.

PENNY: Monkeys.

SHELDON: (ticked) When would a monkey have a trunk?

PENNY: When a suitcase just won't do.

Penny and Raj liked that one. Sheldon? Not so much. And as alcohol was playing keep-away with their intelligence, he went to bed. Penny took advantage of Raj talking to her because of the booze. Penny wants to know what would make Raj snap so badly that he'd willingly move in with Sheldon. The noise-cancelling headphones he had weren't enough, to which Penny was sympathetic. (PENNY: Leonard's a noisy little dude in the sack.) Raj wanted to change topics, since his sister was the other party involved. Penny confides in Raj she screwed up when she broke up with Leonard.

RAJ: To paraphrase Shakespeare, 'tis better to have loved and lost than to stay home and download increasingly shameful pornography. (true that)

Raj is depressed, but Penny thinks he's a cute guy.

PENNY: If we weren't friends...and you hadn't brought up that creepy pornography story...I'd be on you like the speed of light squared on matter to make energy.

RAJ: Hey, you got that right! E equals M C squared!

PENNY: See? I listened. Don't know what it means, but I listened.

At Raj's, Priya was discovering just how much of a noisy little dude Leonard was...and they were only kissing. They were interrupted by Priya's parents calling on videochat. Leonard insisted they tell her parents they're dating, but Priya had five brothers and sisters and was waiting for one of them to make a bigger screw-up before breaking the news. Leonard reluctantly goes but overhears her parents being happy when Priya moves back to India in a month. He's shocked, and Priya's parents can hear him. And Priya's parents knew she was lying a blue streak when she said Raj had many friends. He was upset she didn't tell him about this and she gets upset for telling her parents they were dating, even though it was apparently irrelevant. She walks out, and Leonard gets to deal with the online version of Meet the Parents.

Oh, you may recall Penny gets a bit on the flirty side when she has some alcohol in her, as Leonard can attest to. And now...RAJ! They wake up in bed together. She vehemently says this never happened, and he nods in agreement. (PENNY: Really?!? Still can't talk to me?!?) Sheldon wakes up Leonard on the couch for poaching on the apartment, since he and Raj have a good thing going. Howard drops by, confessing he had a fight with Bernadette for giving him a beautiful watch.

SHELDON: Leonard, do you understand this?


SHELDON: (to Howard) Talk to him.

Leonard doesn't want to, particularly when Penny and Raj emerge from his bedroom. Penny assures everybody it wasn't what it looked like and did the Run of Shame. (Walk of Shame ain't good enough in this case)

SHELDON: (confused) What DOES it look like?


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