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As a mostly sane and rational adult I had never seriously considered blinding myself. That was before I saw 'Alien Armageddon'. As an alternative to sleeping pills, or if you are the type of masochist who just won't settle for water-boarding, this movie is for you. I recently stubbed my toe pretty bad and was once again reminded of the general feelings I had regarding this movie. I should have turned it off before I started nodding off (roughly two to three minutes into the film) but the experience was oddly reminiscent of the scene in 'A Clockwork Orange' where the title character is strapped to a chair, his eyelids propped open, forced to watch a bizarre set of unrelated and disturbing images. It soon struck me however, that the images in front of me were neither disturbing nor evocative of any emotion. If there is a hell, I'm certain this film is playing ad nauseam. I really haven't seen a movie this bad since 'Jingle All the Way' with Arnold Schwartznegger. My sister made me go see that film because she had a childhood crush on Robert Conrad (who played a cop in the movie), my love for her was the only thing that kept me from walking out. I saw 'Alien Armageddon' of my own free will, and of this I am truly ashamed. I offer this review as a humble penitence in hopes no other poor soul should make the same mistake I have.
Thank God I rented it instead of paying money to the movie theater. There is nothing about this movie that was worth watching. From the Story line to the acting to the special effects it was all cheesy. I love good sci-fi but this was not unfortunately. The box said it was a follow-up to Battlefield LA but they weren't even slightly the same. This movie suffered from budget problems obviously as most of the scenes must have been in an abandoned building of some kind. The acting, for the most part, was not any better than any high school production. The special effects weren't all that special and looked very amateurish.
*** This review may contain spoilers ***
"Battlespace" writer & director Neil Johnson's derivative, low-budget,
science fiction actioneer "Alien Armageddon" chronicles a breed of
Martian invaders, 'the Nephilim,' who subjugate planet Earth for a
little more than three months. These hostile intruders establish their
headquarters in Los Angeles. They rely on our own scientists to modify
our DNA so that we serve as fodder for these ravenous monsters who had
to abandon their famine-stricken world. Actually, the Nephilim have
been quietly infiltrating Earth for many decades, acquiring knowledge
about our character and culture. The cardboard, computer generated
special effects in the first ten minutes look like something out of a
black & white graphic novel. The spacecraft and alien army outfits
resemble a schlocky synthesis of a SyFy made-for-cable feature and a
knock-off Asylum made-for-video epic. An armada of spacecraft with
submarine-shaped hulls sans conning towers which are equipped with
tridents mounted on their bows hover over like vultures every major
city. The alien soldiers look like distant cousins of the "Star War"
robot C3PO. Decked out football regalia bristling with hoses, they bear
deadly automatic weapons. Predictably, the earthlings capitulate in the
first half-hour as these nefarious extraterrestrials conquer and
incarcerate humanity. Some of the humans, desperate to survive long
enough to escape, turn into quislings, and the jailed humans are fed
contaminated food which makes them edible to the aliens.
Our protagonist is a feisty Jewish red-head, Jodie Elliot (British actress Katharine McEwan of "Sinners"), who operates a print shop in contemporary Los Angeles. She is contending with a disgruntled customer who wants a discount when the alien ships arrive over the city. After the aliens dominate the planet, Jodie joins the resistance, but she is captured and ends up with two guys in cramped prison quarters with an electronic force field substituting for iron bars. The inmates dine from black plastic buckets on unsavory slop, while they relieve themselves into a small foot locker. The food is so disgusting that they wind up puking it up not long after digesting it. Nevertheless, this is all that they are allowed to devour. Jodie shares a cell with a disillusioned African-American, Markus (Benjamin J. Cain Jr.) and a Caucasian military bomber pilot, Sheen (William David Tulin), who blasted Chicago. Jodie wants desperately to escape and rejoin her daughter who lives in the nearby small town of Little Rock, California. She watches in horror as her cell mates are hauled off to become brunch. At one point, Jodie escapes briefly and witnesses a harrowing scene where a pregnant woman excretes chunks of flesh.
The other character of some prominence is a murderous miscreant named 'Cowboy' (Don Scribner) who has been locked up at Folsom State Prison from the get-go for killing his son during an awful bus crash. Cowboy wears his hair long, talks through a grizzled beard, and dresses in a duster with a Stetson riding low on his eyebrows. He manages to escape but is captured by the aliens not long afterward and thrown in the same cell with Jodie. Meantime, two scientists Franci (Rochelle Vallese) and Dr. Brenna (Julia Parker) are collaborating with the Nephilim to make humanity palatable for the aliens. Once the Nephilim have used Franci, they put her into the same cell with our heroes. The Nephilim take Markus and feed him to a flesh eating zombie like creature. Jodie, Franci, and Cowboy escape when Jodie fakes a bout of illness. The girls head for Little Rock, but Jodie doesn't find her daughter. Cowboy later rejoins them.
Meantime, Franci injects Jodie with some strange serum so that she becomes a bio-medical weapon against the Nephilim. Franci rhapsodizes about the pleasures of masquerading as a human and all the feelings that life evokes for her. Predictably, she dies. Eventually, humanity triumphs over the Martian invaders. Before this occurs, we get to see revolting shots of giant, beady, orange slugs with pincers gnawing on the flesh and bones of decaying humans. Franci dispatches Jodie on her sacrificial mission to save mankind with a lingering lesbian lip-lock. Jodie neither pukes nor repels Franci. The characters spout loads of profanity.
Little about the humdrum "Alien Armageddon" is compelling, exciting, or humorous. A few firefight scenes between Nephilim troops and earthlings enliven the predominantly exposition-laden narrative, but there are no revelations in this derivative, standard-issue invasion flick. The Nephilim chieftain looks menacing with is zombie-like complexion, but Johnson doesn't give him adequate screen time to create more than a fleeting impression. "Alien Armageddon" qualifies an abominable opus with one-dimensional characters, shoddy storytelling, second-rate special effects, forgettable dialogue, and nondescript acting. Pretentiously enough, Johnson inserts a preamble and a postscript where he quotes from the Book of Enoch. Clocking in at 95 interminable minutes, "Alien Armageddon" makes "Battlefield Earth" look like "Star Wars."
I used to think that "Tomorrow When The War Began" was the crappiest
film ever. But now there is a new contender. In fact it's no contest.
Who the hell... How the hell... What the hell... made this rubbish?
I'm trying to imagine the pitch to investors in this movie and I can only believe it was by the smoothest, slickest conman ever, to the most naive, gullible idiot ever. A match made in hell ... for the rest of us.
I'm speechless while writing. Think of the advert that annoys you most and then make that advert 90 minutes long. Tadah! Here it is!
Must rest now. My brain has been severely damaged. Must press zero ... on the ... rating button... before I pass... out...
(OK - enough ellipses already!)
I admit I wasn't expecting much despite some decent ideas. This is the second awful movie in a row that I watched, the other being Super Tanker, and both are in the top 15 list of bottom-of-the-barrel movies. The whole film looks slipshod, with some of the most amateurish special effects I have ever seen, and a soundtrack that was so obtrusive at times that it gave me a headache at the end. The script is not just forgettable, it is very cheesy and just atrociously written in general, even 6 year olds have written better, and while the ideas were good the story itself was tired and very dully paced, there was never anything exciting or thought-provoking and if there was anything that aimed to hit hard sorry but the only thing that disturbed me was how badly made Alien Armageddon was. The characters are not just stereotypical and some of the most one-dimensional and most irritating of any movie, and in all honesty I would rather sit through the worst high school production than see acting this atrocious and unprepared again. All in all, one of the worst movies I've seen in a long time, maybe I am taking Alien Armageddon too seriously but I do love movies when they're good and this movie doesn't live up to my criteria of good. 0-1/10 Bethany Cox
I didn't go into watching this movie with high expectations .. just
hope. And sadly .. my hope was dashed to the ground. At least the boot
didn't grind the hope into the ground.
The story line is not bad. Nothing new but a new way of combining various facets of the sci-fi universe the movie has made for our entertainment. (Yes .. boys and girls .. every idea in this movie has been used in print or TV or movies at least 50 years ago.) However .. the acting was leaden .. the special effects I could have done better on my desktop computer (ok .. I admit some of it wasn't bad) .. the dialogue ranged from okay to horrible (mainly just bad).
One good thing .. was the soundtrack and foley effects which weren't bad at all. One other good thing .. was the story progression. (Sorry that some people seemed to get confused over a relatively straight forward denouement of "the secret" behind the invasion.) That .. at least .. was the "something" that actually kept my attention enough to rate this turkey a 4.
Boys and girls .. this story was laid out like a detective story. Clues and information sprinkled along the way leading to the penultimate clarity of understanding. (P.S. That's also why the "troops" wore full head covers and botched up speech .. to keep you from figuring out a major part of "the secret" too soon.)
Never have figured out why shoestring budget sci-fi movies make a hand weapon that looks like it should weigh 50 lbs but is no different than an AK-47. (Suddenly remembers the tiny cricket from MIB and laughs to himself.)
The saddest part of all .. is that sci-fi does incorporate every type of story .. with sci-fi twists. But in the movies .. it seems the only sci-fi you get is the "action packed" drama. (Bug hunts) And that makes this movie a bit on the remarkable side. The detective sci-fi storyline is not commonly used in movies. (YOU are the detective.)
If you enjoy a movie that doesn't need to keep you on the edge of your seat or reaching for your weapon of choice to join the fight .. but instead like to be given things that make you scratch your head and wonder "what does that have to do with anything" .. you might enjoy this. Well .. if you can get past all the other bad parts .. then maybe.
This movie gave me the shits, and if you saw it you'd know what I'm talking about. I can't believe they wasted over $800,000 on this. That money could have been better spent helping out the indigent. I got suckered into watching this because of some flashy CGI, but once I got it running on my television, I wasn't 25 minutes into the movie where I shut the TV off and went back to my computer. I figure, if a movie can't hold my interest in the first 15 minutes, then it isn't worth watching the next 60 minutes or whatever. And this is coming from a guy who's watched every Godzilla movie ever made. So if I'm saying this is a bad movie, then you know it's bad.
Anyone who says this C rated movie is any good is promoting this movie.
Very low budget and digital effects. Poor plot, script. I think I made
this movie up in my head when I was 8 but it was better then. Not as
smart as a Woody Allen movie but definitely as bad don't waste your
money it will probably be on one of those crappy movie t.v. stations in
Well it says I have to write ten lines to submit a review so I could have written the script for this movie on here.
I want my four dollars back for this movie.
Seen this movie in many different versions of the same plot.
Anti-climatic: don't know where this movie peaks.
Well, I liked it when the aliens "cancelled" George Noory's show...
NOt much else.
This film was okay in the Special effects department, given a budget of less than six figures.
Of course, there were a few interesting bits, like the women who were turned into "Hens" producing food. But mostly, the movie was incoherent nonsense, with scenes in the prison taking up way too much of its running time. Especially scenes involving body functions.
But most of the ideas were tired and other people did them better. Symbiot worms that took people over? The Trill, the Hidden, the Puppet Masters. Aliens who succumb to a disease? That's original- when H.G Welles did it 100 years ago! So if you don't have original ideas, you should at least have interesting characters.
Characters were introduced and then vanish for no good reason, other than I suspect someone promised them they could be in this movie. Saddest of all was Virginia Hey (The ROad Warrior, Farscape) clearly too old to be doing these kinds of roles anymore.
Final insult- the cover art. Yup, if you compare the cover art for this turkey that Red Box used, you will notice a strange similarity to "Cowboys and Aliens" cover art. Well, I guess someone was fooled somewhere.
The special effects are not that brilliant, and neither is the acting.
It had an interesting story although at times it was very confusing and
convoluted and difficult to follow. It did have some good scenes
however, I do think the film would have worked better had it been
shorter and not so much screen time wasted in one room. (Budget
constraints I guess) When things are being explained in the movie the
explanation is not sufficient enough to quite hold it together.
I can't say I'd ever watch it again, but I'm not going to say it was a total waste of time. Alien Armegeddon is one of those films were there is a lot going on, and lot more gone on, but you don't see much. It would have made a better, say 6 episode series.
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