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Distressed Watcher: And before you say, "but, T.J., aren't you a sad fanboy yourself?" No! I'm a fucking angry fanboy!

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Distressed Watcher: And that's another problem with this movie. Everyone but dumbass Qui-Gon seems to practically know that Anakin is going to grow up to be an evil Sith lord. Qui-Gon is the only one who wants to train the boy. Yoda is against it, Samuel L. Jackson is against it, Obi-Wan is against it, and none of them give a clear cut reason.

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Mace Windu: He is too old.

Distressed Watcher: Too old? He's 6! Ten at most. I know that Yoda said Luke was too old in The Empire Strikes Back, but Luke was in his twenties. How young do these fucking Jedi need to start their training? Is the Jedi council abducting babies? If a woman gives birth to a kid with too many... medichloreans, do the Jedi just take it and say, "sorry, lady, but this kid is property of the Galactic Republic. Better luck next time."

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Distressed Watcher: Gah! What unmitigated ass! And I haven't gotten to the worst stuff yet. To be continued.

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Distressed Watcher: The Phantom Menace isn't even a prequel. It's obviously a story that takes place completely out of canon. The only alternative to that theory is that George Lucas is a complete imbecile with no respect for the continuity of his own creation, and that would be just outrageous!

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Distressed Watcher: Science, especially pseudo-science, doesn't belong in a work of escapist fantasy which is what Star Wars is!

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Distressed Watcher: Does he sound like Yoda was just his preschool teacher? I can't tell you a correct answer, but I can tell you that it contains the words "fuck" and "no".

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Distressed Watcher: C-3PO and R2-D2 don't belong in this movie. In a way, it really is nice to see them again, but their presence there strains all credulity. Would it really be so bad if Lucas had given us essentially the same characters, but name them D2-R2 and D-3CO? Same nostalgic effect, but with no pesky, brain shattering incredulity.

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