Archer (TV Series)

Placebo Effect (2011)

H. Jon Benjamin: Sterling Archer

Photos 

Quotes 

• Sterling Archer : What? Wait! So I've been treating my cancer with sugar pills?

  Dr. Krieger : Yeah, you didn't think it was weird that your chemo drugs were chewable?

  Sterling Archer : No! Little kids get cancer.

  Dr. Krieger : [sighs]  They do.

• Sterling Archer : Wow, what a pussy! I could barely even keep up, he was spilling the beans so fast.

  Lana Kane : Well, you threatened to shove a knife up his dick-hole. Which, again, ick!

  Sterling Archer : Well, excuse me, Lana. It's a rampage.

• Sterling Archer : Seriously, these potato-heads have to be the unsexiest mob of all time.

  Paddy : You know who yer messin' with, boyo? You have any idea who our boss is?

  Sterling Archer : Nope, but a hundred people surveyed, number one answer's on the board.

  [He cocks his shotgun and aims it at Paddy's kneecap] 

  Sterling Archer : Name the douchebag who's in charge.

  Paddy : Vincent... Van Gofuckyourself.

  Sterling Archer : Hmm. Vincent Van Gofuckmyself. Survey says?

  [He shoots Paddy's kneecap] 

  Lana Kane : Jesus! Archer!

  Sterling Archer : What, Lana? I said it was a rampage!

  Lana Kane : Still, though!

  Paddy : [screaming in pain]  Oh, you son of a whore!

  Sterling Archer : [in a mocking Irish accent]  Save it for the fast money round, Paddy.

  [He turns to the second mobster] 

  Sterling Archer : Hundred people surveyed, number one answer's still on the board. Name the douchebag who's in charge!

  [no response] 

  Sterling Archer : Err-err! Need an answer!

  [the mobster spits in his face] 

  Sterling Archer : Hmm. Cock-flavored spit. Well, you never know what's gonna be on the board. Let me see cock-flavored spit!

  [He shoots the second mobster's kneecap; Archer reloads as the mobster screams in pain] 

  Sterling Archer : Guys, that's two strikes. One more wrong answer, and the innocent Honduran janitors get a chance to steal the bank!

  [He turns to the bound and gagged janitors] 

  Sterling Archer : I'm just assuming you guys don't know what actually goes on here; I hope that doesn't sound racist.

  [He turns to Mikey] 

  Sterling Archer : Okay, kid...

  Lana Kane : He IS a kid, Archer, so...

  Sterling Archer : Lana, you're in the isolation booth! Lookin' for the douchebag who's...

  Paddy : Mikey Hannity, you say one word, and I'll cut yer yellow heart out...

  Sterling Archer : Err-err!

  [He shoots Paddy dead] 

  Mikey : OH, CHRIST!

  Sterling Archer : Mikey... you gotta listen to me. I have breast cancer.

  Mobster : Ha-ha, breast cancer!

  [With an annoyed look on his face, Archer shoots the second mobster dead] 

  Sterling Archer : So you'll forgive my impatience, because I and a lot of other people have been trying to fight cancer with your boss's fake chemo drugs.

  Mikey : Chemo? They just told me it was cream for male pattern baldness!

  Sterling Archer : Do I look like I need bald guy cream? Mikey, I can barely get a comb through this. It's so thick, my barber charges me double. I love my hair. As I'm sure you love your kneecap.

  Mikey : Franny Delaney! He runs everything out here in Brooklyn! Numbers, protection, dope, prostitution!

  Sterling Archer : Victimless crimes, Mikey. Tell me about the counterfeit chemo drugs.

  Mikey : They make the pharmacists buy the real stuff! Delaney sells it to - I swear I don't know who, but they switch it with the fake stuff here! And those pricks do all the packin'!

  [Archer turns to the janitors] 

  Sterling Archer : Wh - you guys are in on this? And I was worried about sounding racist!

  Lana Kane : [sarcastically]  Were ya?

• Malory Archer : Sterling, no, you're not well. What are you going to do?

  Sterling Archer : Cry havoc and let slip the hogs of war.

  Lana Kane : Dogs... of war.

  Sterling Archer : Whatever farm animal of war, Lana! Shut up!

• Lana Kane : You good?

  [Archer takes several fast, deep breaths] 

  Sterling Archer : RAMPAAAAAAAAAGE!

  [He dashes out of the car, but trips over his IV stand and falls] 

  Lana Kane : Ugh...

  Sterling Archer : Little help?

• Sterling Archer : I never thought I'd say this, but I really miss the Zima.

• Lana Kane : Because I don't want it in my car!

  Sterling Archer : Well, what do you want me to do, Lana?

  [Archer holds up a used airsickness bag] 

  Sterling Archer : Just throw it out the window?

  Lana Kane : Obviously!

  Sterling Archer : Oh.

  [Archer throws the bag out the car window, striking a pedestrian] 

  Pedestrian : Ahhhhh!

  Sterling Archer : Ha, ha!

• Sterling Archer : Well, all of my hair fell out.

  Lana Kane : I'm sorry.

  Sterling Archer : Me, too. It was my fifth best feature.

• Sterling Archer : Oh, man. What have I been doing?

  Lana Kane : Chain smoking joints the size of tampons.

  Sterling Archer : Ewwww.

  Lana Kane : Figure of speech.

  Sterling Archer : Still, though. Ewwww.

• Sterling Archer : And everybody else, shut up, and watch "Terms of Enrampagement".

  Cyril Figgis : Why don't you call it "Magnum, P.U."?

  Sterling Archer : It's a working title! Idiots!

  Malory Archer : Liked him better when he had cancer.

  Sterling Archer : First of all, WHAT THE SHIT, MOTHER?

• Malory Archer : Counterfeit cancer drugs?

  Sterling Archer : Yeah, basically candy corn and Zima.

• Ruth : Well, you're sweet enough to come see a sick old lady in the hospital.

  Sterling Archer : What? I didn't come by to see you. I'm trying to bang a candy striper.

  Ruth : Ha, ha, ha!

• Lana Kane : Because, between the cancer and the chemo and the just shit-tons of weed...

  Sterling Archer : Ooh, actually, yeah, good idea. Let's hang back a second and burn one down.

• Lana Kane : WHAT?

  Sterling Archer : Well, first of all, you don't have to yell, Lana. I don't have ear cancer. And second, until I find out where Delaney is, please stop shooting people.

• Sterling Archer : So, shut up and watch my movie, for which I really need a better title.

  Cheryl : Ooooh! How about "Citizen Dickbag"? Snark victory.

• Ruth : Oh, you poor thing. Does someone you love have breast cancer.

  Sterling Archer : Yeah. Me. Umm, name's Archer.