Cinema Snob: Well that goes to show that just because you have a boring title, doesn't mean you won't end up with a movie that features both beastiality and golden showers.
Cinema Snob: The movie begins with a man kicked to fucking shit laying in some lime telling us how he got into this fine mess.
Cinema Snob: At first Chris and Selia come across as a young, fun loving couple and just want to swing it up '70s style on the good old islands. Yeah, go ahead and paint those pants. It's just gonna end up looking like that later.
Cinema Snob: Now it's time to peek in the windows of people fucking.
Cinema Snob: Who gets jealous in the 1970s? Seriously, the only thing monogamous in the seventies was peanut butter and jelly.
Cinema Snob: Do I really have to sit here, look straight at the camera and tell my viewers that Chris fucks a goat?
Cinema Snob: Chris fucks a goat.
Chris: Let's give him something to drink.
Cinema Snob: Oh Jesus, no. I've seen the goat fucking, I really don't need to see you piss on someone. Oh, it's just paint. Still sucks to be this guy, but thank God, it's just paint. Paint containing shards of glass aparently.
Cinema Snob: What? He's religious now? So they're religious zealots? Oh, no, no, that makes total sense. A prudish, devout religious man who kills those who are immoral... when he's not out fucking goats! Why am I afraid that by the end of the movie he's going to turn out to be a nazi too?
Cinema Snob: Unfortunately for the victim, the script kills him.
Cinema Snob: I'm starting to get the feeling that Chris and Selia are a really weird couple.
Cinema Snob: [Chris peeps on people having sex while the sound of the waves splash against beach behind him] I think he needs to change his semen diaper. Sounds like his dick is drowning.
Cinema Snob: But it's nice to see that the cop has some screen time now... oh, what the hell? The third time we see him he's dangling from a plane? I mean, his mannequin is dangling from a plane? Well it's okay, because clearly this is our hero and...
[cop falls to his death]
Cinema Snob: The hell? What the fuck was that character all about then? Let's build up this cop character and then hang him from a plane.
Cinema Snob: The hell? Is this a 3D movie all of a sudden? Why not? Every other movie is.
Cinema Snob: Chris, the warm, comforting husband that he is, shows his sadness for his wife's rape by going out and raping a lesbian. Dude's a dick!
Stilted Singer: Mother. I see the wonders of the day. Millions of people left. Like clay.
Cinema Snob: Shatner?
Cinema Snob: Wouldn't you know, yokel farmer equals rapist. And, an equal opportunity rapist too.
[Farmer rapes Chris]
Cinema Snob: Why don't you just throw in another twist, movie?
Chris: You've got to help me. I'm your brother.
Selia: Shh. You promised not to tell anyone.
Cinema Snob: Oh, of course they're siblings. Why wouldn't I expect this movie to be any classier than Tromeo and Juliet?
Cinema Snob: Island of Death was the first film from writer/director Nico Mastorakis, who claims to have been inspired to make a fucked up movie after seeing The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Oh yeah, it's just like Chainsaw Massacre, if the hitchhiker fucked the cows before sledgehammering them.
Cinema Snob: If only the stab wounds and bullet holes had given us more clues!