Mon, Apr 6, 2015
You know how in some cases if a movie is a big hit, it gets a sequel a few years later that is more often than not a horrible, nonsensical piece of crap that merely capitalizes on the first movie rather than expands on it? Well, as The Cinema Snob discovers, Exorcist II is no exception.
Wed, Apr 29, 2015
The Snob looks for a movie with "Avengers" in the title, due to some movie with the same name coming out this week, and so he selects The Crippled Avengers: a shitty Kung Fu movie following four men handicapped in outrageous battles. There's also bad dubbing, incoherent action and fight scenes that cost an arm and a leg. Literally.
Fri, Jun 5, 2015
For 299 episodes, the Cinema Snob has shown us the vile, the disgusting, the exploitative, the politically incorrect, the tasteless, the brainless, the perverted, the inaudible, the unbelievable, and Nukie. So, in honor of his 300th episode, he's going to do - more of the same. The movie being reviewed is Heaven's Gate, even though it probably came from the other place.
Mon, Jun 15, 2015
The Snob resumes his 300th episode spectacular by reviewing more of Heaven's Gate. Unfortunately in addition to this being the really boring part of the movie, the review is constantly mired by budget restraints from his producer and unexpected, obnoxious cameos from fellow reviewers.
Thu, Jun 25, 2015
At long last, the Cinema Snob gets to the end of Heaven's Gate. And how does this 3-hour epic conclude? With a confusing love triangle, an incomprehensible and overly long battle scene, and an anti-climax. In addition to the review, the Snob receives reviews of his review: mostly scathing, nitpicking, bitching and moaning from online commentators and some people he knows.
Mon, Jun 29, 2015
With a new Terminator movie hitting theaters this week, the Snob decides to look at--what else? A Terminator porno spoof. Two guys, one man, one machine, are sent back in time to find a young lady, penetrate and impregnate her before the other one does. The orgasm for the future will be reached in the present.
Thu, Jul 9, 2015
Tonight's heartwarming tale is about a woman named Andrea who is in love with a woman named Emily...and so she hired a guy to rape her, tape it for her own gratification, and murder any guy who tries to take her away, so the two of them can finally be together - whether Emily likes it or not. Still a better love story than Twilight.
Wed, Jul 22, 2015
Music hath charms to sooth the savage beast. But the music in this horrible movie couldn't sooth the savage Cinema Snob if they played the theme to Caligula. It's a '60s rock and roll yarn about a struggling boy band, a greedy manager, paid groupies, and not only an endorsement, but a cameo from Colonel Sanders himself. This movie is finger-lickin' bad.
Mon, Aug 3, 2015
It's low-budget superhero movie time, so the Snob pops in Roger Corman's previously unreleased Fantastic Four movie. It's cheaply made and campy, so that means it sucks, right? Well, surprisingly, the Snob feels the characters were treated better here than any of the big-budget Fantastic Four films.
Wed, Aug 19, 2015
A road trip movie about smuggling pot across the boarder sounds like a fine, adventurous romp, don't it? So what does the Cinema Snob get when he reviews A Ton of Grass Goes to Pot? He had 'high' hopes, but it's actually a boring, sloppy, incomprehensible, uninteresting pile of shit that makes you want to smoke weed rather than watch a movie about it.
Mon, Aug 24, 2015
To commemorate the 30th anniversary of A Nightmare on Elm Street's first sequel, the Cinema Snob takes a gander at Part 2: Freddy's Revenge. However, after careful analysis of symbolism and the movie's homo-erotic undertones, the Snob concludes that the protagonist needs to come out of the closet and that Freddy really ain't such a bad guy.
Mon, Aug 31, 2015
Returning to Italian horror, the Snob reviews The New York Ripper by his old paisano Lucio Fulci. In this movie, New York City is a place with misogyny, hard-boiled detectives, cheap porno movies, and a serial killer who guts innocent women and quacks like a duck. Nothing out of the ordinary in the Big Apple, really.
Mon, Sep 21, 2015
Musical March (in September) wouldn't be complete without a Rocky Horror knock-off. How bad could it be? It has all the familiar music cues, more or less, and even Count Dracula himself makes an appearance. It's all very confusing, but thankfully we have a drunk accountant/lawyer/narrator to explain things. In short, the movie bites like the Count and sucks just as hard.
Tue, Sep 29, 2015
Musical March (in September) boogies into that good night with a review of the 1980 mega musical Xanadu. It's about a struggling album cover artist who meets a beautiful and supremely talented muse, and uses her influence, as well as the sound, moral advice from an old club owner to bring old school and new school music together.
Tue, Oct 13, 2015
With Halloween only weeks away, it's time for the Snob to return to the franchise of the same name with...Halloween 4. Why not Halloween III? Because some schmuck named 80s Dan who looks nothing like him already reviewed it. So, what does the 4th entry have in store? Michael returns, obviously. The whole thing seems like a carbon copy of the original, with boredom instead of fear, explosions instead of suspense, and characters we can't bring ourselves to care about. The Snob really starts to miss Silver Shamrock at this point.
Mon, Oct 19, 2015
After accompanying Santa Christ to his hometown of North Jerusalem, where they don't take kindly to fans of the Sega Genesis, the Cinema Snob and the Nostalgia Critic return to the former's house to review The Passion of the Christ. Fear not, Bible-thumpers. These humble critics mean the scripture no harm, but they delight in riffing how the movie itself was put together and just how faithful to the source material it was.
Mon, Oct 26, 2015
As a Halloween bonus, the Snob decides to go ahead and look at Halloween 5, a rushed, piece of shit sequel that further sent the franchise down hill. Unfortunately, Jamie isn't evil as we expected. It's just business as usual. Michael kills annoying side characters and 1 character we grew to like. But to the Snob's amazement, he finds this movie has a few good points here and there...but no amount of genuinely tense scenes or Dr. Loomis awesomeness will ever make up for the loss of Ben Tramer.
Mon, Nov 2, 2015
Just because Halloween is over doesn't mean the Cinema Snob can't squeeze in at least one vampire porno spoof. Unlike Gayracula, this one is straight, as in a straight-up clusterfuck of fake news reports, silent movies, and awkward sex. They dare to call this trite a vampire movie? This would make Count Dracula cry.
Mon, Nov 9, 2015
Jason Lives. No shit. The Cinema Snob takes a year-long break from Michael Myers to focus on another beloved masked slasher movie villain: Jason Voorhees, who was killed off once and for all in Part 4: The Final Chapter, only to be resurrected in a sequel filled with meta humor, slapstick and a tongue-in-cheek attitude that makes the Snob angry. Well, how do you think Jason feels?
Top-rated
Mon, Nov 23, 2015
Last week, Kirk Cameron saved Christmas. But who's going to save the Cinema Snob from Miss Velma? Who is Miss Velma, you ask? Not the "jinkies" girl from Scooby-Doo, unfortunately, but rather a California evangelist who was given her own bizarre, incomprehensible, boring, shoddy, freaky, and downright sacrilegious Christmas special.
Mon, Nov 30, 2015
The Cinema Snob's marathon of Christmas wackiness continues with A Madea Christmas. A hysterical, heartwarming holiday comedy about a deceptive love triangle, a bullied child, a town on the verge of bankruptcy, a jubilee being sponsored by a greedy corporation trying to sink the town, racism, sacrilege, betrayal, and every character being a belligerent prick.
Mon, Dec 14, 2015
The Cinema Snob, that devoted, intellectual masochistic critique of all things bizarre, cheap, exploitative and pornographic, has decided to venture to a drug-induced galaxy far, far away and torture himself with the 1978 variety clusterfuck known as The Star Wars Holiday Special. It's a stocking full of pointless cameos, overly-long music videos, bad animation, stock footage, zero story, and zero effort.
Tue, Dec 22, 2015
Fat Grandma tells Linkara about the time the "Cinema Scrooge" reviewed the fifth and final Silent Night, Deadly Night film. Like the last one, it's an in-name-only sequel, but somehow still has ties to the fourth one. Number 5 features killer toys made by a maniacal toymaker and his mentally disturbed son. Sure, why not.