Oh dear, the Cinema Snob must torture himself with another romantic comedy. Riding off the success of 50 Shades of Grey, the movie Old Fashioned tried to focus on the aspect of chivalry and courtship, as opposed to constant gratuitous sex, and well, this movie is so awkward and poorly executed that if the act of chivalry truly is dead, we know what killed it.
The Cinema Snob returns to the chronologically confusing Zombi series by reviewing the third film in the saga, which is actually the second film for the U.S. It's all about a chemical called Death 1 that turns people into flesh-eating zombies.
The Cinema Snob delights in torturing himself by looking at what can be considered the Fun in Balloonland of the New Millennium. Remember the Oogieloves? It was a film made for toddlers by people who severely underestimated a toddler's intelligence. Oh dear, what has the Snob gotten himself into?
To recover from the obnoxious big balloon adventure he had last week, Brad looks at a movie he'd previously reviewed in his car to give the Cinema Snob treatment. The film in question is the popular, but preposterous War Room, which details the lives of a troubled family who encounter a kindly but intrusive old woman. Also, it's religious.
The Cinema Snob looks at an early '90s flick about a popular, but lonely teenage boy who becomes fed up with his restrictive, orderly life and wonders what life would be like if he were never a Christian.
What do you get when you cross a former exploitation film director with a firebrand fear-mongering evangelist who despises Commies? Perfect fodder for The Cinema Snob, of course. When faced with deciding what to review next--a '70s exploitation film or another religious film--he selects a movie that puts the two genres in a blender...and a mangler.
One would say Cannon Films had a "death wish" when they purchased the franchise of the same name. The Snob checks out their first entry into the series which, when compared to the original, seems misguided, toned down and tone deaf.
Time to fire Superman out of a Cannon. That's right, the Snob is back with more Cannon fodder. This one featuring the Man of Steel, in the horrible third sequel in the series. You know the story: Supes gathers all the world's nukes and destroys them, trying to show the world that peace is something everyone can have, but only if they want it bad enough.
Holy Turkish Nightmare, Batman. The Cinema Snob helps himself to another turkey from Turkey, because with Batman vs. Superman only weeks away, and owing to his review of Superman IV last week, it's time to look at one of the Caped Crusader's bat-bombs. And no better place to look than the Turkish film library.
Wonder Woman. Actually, it's a wonder this TV pilot movie was ever greenlit. Having looked at something Superman and Batman related, the Snob looks at Wonder Woman's first on-screen appearance. It's your typical sexist, campy '70s fare.
God is not dead, but the Cinema Snob sure wishes these types of movies were. Films that aim to glorify the scripture and the Lord Almighty, but are shoddily made with shallow characters, a myriad of subplots and preaching propaganda to the choir. The Snob is in for another unholy mess.
Dynamic Duo Chevy Chase and Benji star in an adult-themed movie disguised as a family movie in which a P.I. is killed, resurrected as a dog, and solves his own murder. The Cinema Snob takes it upon himself to bury this rancid bone in a backyard of woe.
The Snob takes a break from the usual monkey business to review a film that will have him going ape. Or rather, Going Bananas, a very non-appealing movie about a boy and his chimp. It's like Nukie if he were a primate instead of an alien.
Remember that movie about that dude who saw what life would be like if he weren't a Christian (Jesus, Man)? Well, before that they made a similar movie about a dude who pretended to be a Christian so he could score with the hot chick. The Cinema Snob will pretend he never saw this movie.
The Snob watches a mystery movie. As in, a mystery this movie ever got made and a mystery as to why anybody would ever watch it. A detective is called to investigate a stolen book at a Bible camp. Whodunit? The lifeguard who doesn't read the Bible? The nurse who doesn't pray? The coach who doesn't go to church? All Christians who don't follow the Christian archetype. Interesting. Not.
After getting out of the hospital for a head injury, the Cinema Snob watches a movie that won't make him feel much better. It's the low-budget, poorly-made and thankfully underrated 1990 version of Captain America. You know the one: Heil Hitler, bang.
In the case of the Friday the 13th films, seven was definitely not their lucky number. And speaking of unlucky, it's Friday the 13th so it's time for the Snob to return to Crystal Lake for The New Blood. Tommy Jarvis has been replaced by Tina, a telekinetic teen who accidentally resurrects Jason from the dead to continue where he left off.
Haven't you always wanted to see a movie where Captain America and Spider-Man fight? Only it's completely in the Turkish language and Spider-Man is a violent crime-lord? Well for the sick few who do, the Cinema Snob has unearthed such a movie. Cap and Spidey fight out a very uncivil war.
The Snob's got the power...The power to watch something else. However, he presses on bravely, reviewing a failed pilot for a live action television series nobody asked for, based on a comic book series. Fans and casual movie viewers alike depend on him. The balance of good and evil rests on his shoulders. It's a harrowing job, but someone has got to do it. Also, the movie sucks.
Hero in an arm-chair. Snobbing power. The Cinema Snob descends into the darkest, dankest sewer where he finds a new Ninja Turtles porno spoof. But for those sick individuals who tuned in to see turtles screwing, you will be rightfully disappointed.
The Cinema Snob gets invited to a slumber party. A slumber party MASSACRE, that is. With Michael Myers and Jason Voorhees being the kings of the slasher scene, it was time for an unknown with a big power drill to steal the spotlight as he and his phallic power tool stalk a group of 30-year-old high school students at their raunchy slumber party.
It's the good, the bad and the holy as the Cinema Snob reviews a western style music video featuring famous Christian singer/actor Carman. In this tale of intrigue and gun-slinging, a guy walks into a bar and rids the world of sin...one man at a time.
Just when you thought it was safe to slumber party again. The Cinema Snob reviews the highly-demanded sequel to the 1982 classic Slumber Party Massacre. But this entry dares to be a psychological--or rather psychopathic--thriller about a punk-rock spirit killer with a driller on his guitar.
The Cinema Snob asked his faithful Patreon sponsors to vote on which Independence Day themed film he should review next, owing to the new ID4 movie in theaters. The choices were between a direct-to-video rip-off, a porno spoof, or an early '80s rom-com. The choice was obvious: The rom-com. Sadly, there's little rom and almost no com. It's an awkward, boring and depressing love story with spousal abuse. Where's an alien invasion when you need one?
After the disappointing lack of T&A in last week's "rom-com", the Snob decides to rectify that, as well as pay tribute to the new film about the famous King of the Jungle, by reviewing the 1981 John Derek Tarzan movie. It's all about Jane's very awkward relationship with her estranged father, with hints of incest, scenery-chewing, sexual innuendo and phallic worship - oh, and there's a giant ape-man in there too somewhere.
Once again, the Snob lets his viewers vote on the next review, and once again, they didn't choose the porno spoof. Much like last time, it's a dry, obscure, low-budget '80s movie, except this one is a little more watchable. It's a black comedy about two detectives being chased through a haunted house. Plenty of slapstick comedy and racial jokes makes this one fun for the whole family.
If you expected anything more from a Star Trek porno spoof besides a trip to the planet Uranus, horribly uncreative sexualized versions of the characters' names, and an endless supply of sexual innuendo and butt jokes, then your expectations were astronomically high. The Cinema Snob ventures where no snob has gone before and reviews this most illogical pile of space debris.