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"Archer" Stage Two (TV Episode 2011) Poster

(TV Series)

(2011)

Quotes

Sterling Archer: Suck it, cancer!

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Trinette McGoon: What the shit!

Sterling Archer: I know. I'm not normally a tattoo guy, but...

Trinette McGoon: Not yours, shit brain. His!

Sterling Archer: Yeah, it's like we've got each others backs. Right?

Trinette McGoon: You can't tattoo a frickin' baby!

Sterling Archer: That's what the tattoo guy said. I had to slip him an extra $100.

Trinette McGoon: How about I slip somebody $100 to throw acid in your face!

Sterling Archer: Costs more than that, I bet. To buy acid, Trinette.

Trinette McGoon: Come on, Seamus. I hope your stupid cancer kills you!

Sterling Archer: Oh yeah, well I hope. I hope it doesn't!

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Trinette McGoon: What?

Sterling Archer: Breast cancer and yes, seriously. And I don't know how it's going to turn out so I wanted to, you know, spend some time with the wee baby Seamus.

Trinette McGoon: He's not even your real kid!

Sterling Archer: So?

Trinette McGoon: So, it's weird.

Sterling Archer: So is me paying you child support, Trinette, but you keep cashing the checks!

Trinette McGoon: Hey.

Sterling Archer: I'm sorry. Come one, Trinette, Seamus may not be my son but he's probably as close as I'm ever going to get.

Trinette McGoon: Ugh, um... Where are you taking him?

Sterling Archer: I don't know. What's he into?

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Malory Archer: If I cared about what you do on the weekend I'd stick a shotgun in my mouth and pull the trigger with my toes.

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Brett Buckley: Breast cancer? Sure it's not lady vagina cancer?

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Sterling Archer: Who's Dicky?

Woodhouse: My brother.

Sterling Archer: What?

Woodhouse: He's younger.

Sterling Archer: Obviously.

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Sterling Archer: I have cancer.

Pam: Of the tits!

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Sterling Archer: Wow, it's kinda weird opening up like this, huh?

Malory Archer: Yeah, give me another belt.

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Sterling Archer: Lana, I'm in love with you.

Lana Kane: You are also shitfaced.

Sterling Archer: I can be both.

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Cheryl: Oh my god! How much cancer was in him?

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Sterling Archer: I beat cancer, everybody!

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Cheryl Tunt: Breast cancer? Oh, you poor thing!

[hugs Malory]

Malory Archer: Pam! What is wrong with you?

Pam Poovey: I can't help it. It's like a disease.

[keeps texting]

Malory Archer: Pam!

Pam Poovey: Do you not know what disease means? Oh sorry, I forgot you might have...

Cyril Figgis: Breast cancer?

Malory Archer: Oh for the love. And would you get off? Breath!

Cyril Figgis: Malory, if there's anything we can do you just say the word.

Doctor Krieger: My entire laboratory is at your disposal.

Malory Archer: Thanks. I'll let you know if I need a hybrid pig-boy.

Doctor Krieger: A what? That. What are you? I don't have one of those!

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Dr. Speltz: [after Archer's surgery] Not too soon for good news, I hope. Oh, and also some very bad news.

[Malory gasps]

Malory Archer: What's the bad news?

Dr. Speltz: Oh, I have to take a rain check on that drink.

Malory Archer: What?

Dr. Speltz: I'm on call this weekend.

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Malory Archer: What are you- Sterling, no! You're not well! What are you going to do?

Sterling Archer: Cry havoc and let slip the hogs of war.

Lana Kane: Dogs.

Sterling Archer: Whatever farm-animal of war, Lana! Shut up!

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Pam: Soooo, is that why you're being such a bitch?

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Malory Archer: Thanks. I'll let you know if I need a hybrid pig-boy.

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Malory Archer: Good God! You'd think he's half fainting goat.

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Sterling Archer: Yeah, did I mention I have cancer?

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Cyril Figgis: Well, he certainly doesn't have cancer in his fists.

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Cyril Figgis: I spent last night in The Tombs getting worked over by the cops.

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Cheryl Tunt: Do anything fun this weekend? Because I sure did! Friday night was cornhole league then on Saturday

Malory Archer: [interrupts] If I cared about what you do on the weekend I'd stick a shotgun in my mouth and pull the trigger with my toes.

Cheryl Tunt: [whispering] Saturday I watched a building burn down.

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Sterling Archer: And there's so much I still wanna do!

Malory Archer: Oh, now you're gonna be fine.

Sterling Archer: Like I've never been to Rome.

Malory Archer: What? Yes you have.

Sterling Archer: For work, mother!

Malory Archer: Sterling Malory Archer, this surgery is going to work and you, look at me, you are going to beat cancer.

Sterling Archer: But what if I don't?

Lana Kane: So, how's this going?

Malory Archer: Not great.

Sterling Archer: Lana, what if I don't?

Lana Kane: Um.

Malory Archer: Can you take him home?

Lana Kane: Can you not?

Malory Archer: No. If I don't get something to eat I'm going to literally die.

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Doctor Krieger: Aw, Goatly.

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Lana Kane: God, I should definitely get checked. I am so bad about doing the self exam.

Pam Poovey: Hey, about we check each other?

Lana Kane: So what's next? Do you, um.

Pam Poovey: Boop!

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Malory Archer: If I cared about what you do on the weekend, I'd stick a shotgun in my mouth and pull the trigger with my toes.

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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