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"Archer" Movie Star (TV Episode 2011) Poster

(TV Series)

(2011)

Quotes

Pam: Shut up. We're gonna go to prison.

Cheryl: No, we're not. Say the right stuff and they just send you to a mental hospital for ten months.

Ray Gillette: I just this second realized why you do macrame instead of knitting.

Cheryl: Yeah, no sharp objects on the ward. They were super strict about that.

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Ray Gillette: No, shut up. We go in, drop the journal, and get out. No snooping.

Pam Poovey: Aw, come on. I just wanna see if me and her have stuff in common like.

Cheryl Tunt: Tons of cock porn lying around?

Pam Poovey: I don't have cock porn just laying around. But sometimes you just, you know, forget it's in the VCR.

Ray Gillette: How do you forget?

Pam Poovey: You rub one out, flip back to regular TV, Superstars is on, and all of a sudden here's Joe Frasier's dumb ass drowning and you forget it's in there. Until mom and dad come to visit to tell you she's got Lou Gehrig's Disease.

Ray Gillette: Why would you think it's okay to share that?

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Rona Thorne: But you're a man.

Sterling Archer: And then some.

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Pam: Ummm, I maybe, kinda slightly, took it.

Ray Gillette: Why would you do that?

Cheryl: Did you think it was meat?

Pam: I... shut up!

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Rona Thorne: Ohmigod, this is going to be...

Sterling Archer: Don't say it! I swear to God!

Rona Thorne: [whispered] Amazing!

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Pam: And that wet clingy shirt she wears the whole time, nipple towwwwwwn!

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Sterling Archer: You're just doing this to spite me.

Lana Kane: And?

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Sterling Archer: How could she pick Lana over me?

Woodhouse: The mind fairly boggles.

Sterling Archer: Exactly! Wait. Was that sarcasm?

Woodhouse: No, sir.

Sterling Archer: Oh, good, because your opinion matters, and since you seem unclear on the concept, that was sarcasm.

Woodhouse: Well played, sir.

Sterling Archer: Thank you.

[long pause]

Sterling Archer: Thank you.

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Rona Thorne: Ohmigod, if I possessed the capacity to be embarrassed.

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Sterling Archer: You're all rigid and stiff, which, you know, I'm all for, huh huh rimshot, but not on the range.

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Sterling Archer: But speaking of your body and my body, and stiffness...

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Pam: Oh, come on, haven't you ever snooped on somebody you thought was dreamy?

Ray Gillette: No. Well, except for Randy Muckler, who, turns out, was just leading me on to get out of the draft, so I made a phone call to the draft board and now who's laughing Mr. Hooks For Hands.

[long pause]

Ray Gillette: A booby trap blew his arms off.

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Cheryl: Deaf people are so gross.

Pam: Not as gross as the hook hand ones.

Cheryl: Ehh.

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Sterling Archer: Freaking Lana. I mean even for her this is over the line. She's going to wish I was never born.

Dr. Krieger: Just going to softball it in like that?

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Rona Thorne: You just have to find the right guy who's not intimidated by your power.

Lana Kane: Or my twin Tec-9's.

Rona Thorne: Or those big steam shovelly scoops you call hands.

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Lana Kane: You really think I'm sexy and empowered?

Rona Thorne: Oh my god, you're like a brown Boudica.

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Cyril Figgis: You do realize there's a finite supply of Vaseline in the universe?

[Malory hits Cyril on the back of the head with a rolled up magazine]

Cyril Figgis: Oww!

Malory Archer: Type, nerd!

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Overweight Technician: You got any idea how much I've got on my plate?

Sterling Archer: Huh, huh.

Overweight Technician: ** sigh ** You know...

Sterling Archer: What? I could have crushed that.

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Sterling Archer: Was that so hard, Count Snackula?

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Cyril Figgis: That's what people want to see, not "Granny Gets Jungle Fever".

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Rona Thorne: Omigod, strong and sexy...

Sterling Archer: Gotta get by.

Rona Thorne: ...amazinnnnnnggggg!

Sterling Archer: Will you shut up?

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Lana Kane: Well, if your aunt had balls she'd be your uncle.

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Sterling Archer: There's a sniper out there whose bullet can start World War 3 and you idiots are tying up ISIS resources on high school bullshit!

Pam: Yeah

Cheryl: Yeah

Ray Gillette: Nooo...

Sterling Archer: Cause I really don't see a downside to that Archer-wise...

[picks up a gunbelt]

Sterling Archer: Here load up... should be a big box of grenades around here somewhere.

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Pam Poovey: We're a go on operation. Ooh, what should we call it?

Cheryl Tunt: Dick Sledge!

Ray Gillette: You wanna?

Pam Poovey: No, but it's like sour milk. You just gotta take a whiff. What's the story, Neckbones?

Cheryl Tunt: Sophomore year at my stupid college I had a huge crush on the quarterback, this super hot guy named Dick Sledge.

Pam Poovey: Sploosh!

Ray Gillette: Jinx.

Cheryl Tunt: It was like I was invisible. He wouldn't even sign my cast when I broke my own arm. But I thought if I knew what he liked then I'd have an in. So one Saturday when he had a game, I broke into his dorm room to see what kind of music he was into or turtles or roll around in his clothes or whatever.

Pam Poovey: But you were so busy sniffing his jock you didn't hear him come in?

Cheryl Tunt: Because he totally snuck up on me! I guess I blacked out because I don't remember stabbing him at all.

Pam Poovey: What? Why did you have a knife?

Cheryl Tunt: I didn't! It was a stupid pair of scissors. And it was his fault for grabbing me with his throwing hand! That's how his tendon got severed.

Pam Poovey: Holy shit snacks.

Cheryl Tunt: Yeah, they said he could have gone pro.

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Cheryl Tunt: Just say the right stuff and they just send you to a mental hospital for 10 months.

Ray Gillette: I just this second realized why you do macrame instead of knitting.

Cheryl Tunt: Yeah, no sharp objects on the ward. They were super strict about that.

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Lana Kane: At least this time you fired downrange.

Rona Thorne: And oh my God, seriously, I am so really super sorry about that.

Brett Buckley: Totally my fault.

Rona Thorne: Please go buy a new suit at Bergdorf's and send the bill to my manager.

Brett Buckley: I will take you up on that. Right after I go to the hospital.

Rona Thorne: Oh my God if I, like, possessed the capacity to be embarrassed.

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Rona Thorne: Oh my God, this is gonna be amazing!

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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