Pam: Shut up. We're gonna go to prison.
Cheryl: No, we're not. Say the right stuff and they just send you to a mental hospital for ten months.
Ray Gillette: ...I just this second realized why you do macrame instead of knitting.
Cheryl: Yeah, no sharp objects on the ward. They were super strict about that.
Ray Gillette: No, shut up. We go in, drop the journal, and get out. No snooping.
Pam Poovey: Aw, come on. I just wanna see if me and her have stuff in common like.
Cheryl Tunt: Tons of cock porn lying around?
Pam Poovey: I don't have cock porn just laying around. But sometimes you just, you know, forget it's in the VCR.
Ray Gillette: How do you forget?
Pam Poovey: You rub one out, flip back to regular TV, Superstars is on, and all of a sudden here's Joe Frasier's dumb ass drowning and you forget it's in there. Until mom and dad come to visit to tell you she's got Lou Gehrig's Disease.
Ray Gillette: Why would you think it's okay to share that?
Pam: And that wet clingy shirt she wears the whole time, nipple towwwwwwn!
Sterling Archer: How could she pick Lana over me?
Woodhouse: The mind fairly boggles.
Sterling Archer: Exactly! Wait. Was that sarcasm?
Woodhouse: No, sir.
Sterling Archer: Oh, good, because your opinion matters, and since you seem unclear on the concept, that was sarcasm.
Woodhouse: Well played, sir.
Sterling Archer: Thank you.
Sterling Archer: Thank you.
Pam: Ummm, I maybe, kinda slightly, took it.
Ray Gillette: Why would you do that?
Cheryl: Did you think it was meat?
Pam: I... shut up!
Rona Thorne: You just have to find the right guy who's not intimidated by your power.
Lana Kane: Or my twin Tec-9's.
Rona Thorne: Or those big steam shovelly scoops you call hands.
Rona Thorne: Ohmigod, this is going to be...
Sterling Archer: Don't say it! I swear to God!
Rona Thorne: [whispered] Amazing!
Sterling Archer: There's a sniper out there whose bullet can start World War 3 and you idiots are tying up ISIS resources on high school bullshit!
Ray Gillette: Nooo...
Sterling Archer: Cause I really don't see a downside to that Archer-wise...
[picks up a gunbelt]
Sterling Archer: Here load up... should be a big box of grenades around here somewhere.
Rona Thorne: These like Kung-Fu monks make this fifty foot tape, like a cloth measuring tape, but it's kelp. And you swallow over, like, three days and you start to, y'know, pass it. Then you just slowly, slowly pull it out of you over three more days...
Lana Kane: Wait, what?
Rona Thorne: It pulls all the toxins out of your body. And you just feel so clean.
Sterling Archer: [listening in] While you're tangled in a half-mile of shit-covered tape? Frickin' actresses.
Rona Thorne: Ohmigod, if I possessed the capacity to be embarrassed.
Sterling Archer: You're all rigid and stiff, which, you know, I'm all for, huh huh rimshot, but not on the range.
Sterling Archer: But speaking of your body and my body, and stiffness...
Pam: Oh, come on, haven't you ever snooped on somebody you thought was dreamy?
Ray Gillette: No. Well, except for Randy Muckler, who, turns out, was just leading me on to get out of the draft, so I made a phone call to the draft board and now who's laughing, Mr. Hooks For Hands?
Ray Gillette: A booby trap blew his arms off.
Sterling Archer: Freaking Lana. I mean even for her this is over the line. She's going to wish I was never born.
Dr. Krieger: Just going to softball it in like that?
Lana Kane: You really think I'm sexy and empowered?
Rona Thorne: Oh my god, you're like a brown Boudica.
Malory Archer: Why not?
Cyril Figgis: Because it's just not believable that this guy, who also can not be named Cassius, would risk his career for a woman twice his age.
Malory Archer: So make her forty.
Cyril Figgis: Yeah, and who's gonna play her?
Malory Archer: Me! That's the whole point!
Cyril Figgis: You do realize there's a finite supply of Vaseline in the universe.
[Malory hits Cyril on the back of the head with a rolled up magazine]
Overweight Technician: You got any idea how much I've got on my plate?
Sterling Archer: Huh, huh.
Overweight Technician: ** sigh ** You know...
Sterling Archer: What? I could have crushed that.
Cyril Figgis: That's what people want to see, not "Granny Gets Jungle Fever".
Rona Thorne: Omigod, strong and sexy...
Sterling Archer: Gotta get by.
Rona Thorne: ...amazinnnnnnggggg!
Sterling Archer: Will you shut up?
Pam Poovey: We're a go on operation. Ooh, what should we call it?
Cheryl Tunt: Dick Sledge!
Ray Gillette: You wanna?
Pam Poovey: No, but it's like sour milk. You just gotta take a whiff. What's the story, Neckbones?
Cheryl Tunt: Sophomore year at my stupid college I had a huge crush on the quarterback, this super hot guy named Dick Sledge.
Pam Poovey: Sploosh!
Ray Gillette: Jinx.
Cheryl Tunt: It was like I was invisible. He wouldn't even sign my cast when I broke my own arm. But I thought if I knew what he liked then I'd have an in. So one Saturday when he had a game, I broke into his dorm room to see what kind of music he was into or turtles or roll around in his clothes or whatever.
Pam Poovey: But you were so busy sniffing his jock you didn't hear him come in?
Cheryl Tunt: Because he totally snuck up on me! I guess I blacked out because I don't remember stabbing him at all.
Pam Poovey: What? Why did you have a knife?
Cheryl Tunt: I didn't! It was a stupid pair of scissors. And it was his fault for grabbing me with his throwing hand! That's how his tendon got severed.
Pam Poovey: Holy shit snacks.
Cheryl Tunt: Yeah, they said he could have gone pro.
Lana Kane: At least this time you fired downrange.
Rona Thorne: And oh my God, seriously, I am so really super sorry about that.
Brett Buckley: Totally my fault.
Rona Thorne: Please go buy a new suit at Bergdorf's and send the bill to my manager.
Brett Buckley: I will take you up on that. Right after I go to the hospital.
Rona Thorne: Oh my God if I, like, possessed the capacity to be embarrassed.