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"The Office" Dwight K. Schrute, (Acting) Manager (TV Episode 2011) Poster

Quotes

Toby Flenderson: I am supposed to collect eyewitness accounts. Who saw Dwight do this?

[everyone in the conference room raises their hand]

Dwight Schrute: Okay, really?

Toby Flenderson: Would you consider this a terrorist incident?

Ryan Howard: I felt terrorized.

Dwight Schrute: Come on.

Toby Flenderson: Oh! There's a whole other terrorism booklet for that.

Dwight Schrute: I just really, really think that we should handle this internally.

Ryan Howard: Dwight, why is it on us to protect you?

Dwight Schrute: Because you guys are my best friends. And I mean that. Managing you for this last week has been the greatest honor of my life. And if you ruin this, I will burn this office to the ground.

[everyone has a shocked expression]

Dwight Schrute: And I mean that figuratively, not literally. Because you guys are so, so important to me. I love you guys, but don't cross me, but you're the best.

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[Dwight walks into the kitchen as Jim puts up a paper that says "Join The Fist" with a picture of a clenched fist]

Dwight Schrute: Hey, hey, hey, hey. What do you think you're doing? What's this? What's The Fist?

Jim Halpert: It's just a social club. Like the French Revolution or The Black Panthers or communism. It's just a club. Guys talking.

Dwight Schrute: You expect me to believe that you're starting a rebellion?

Jim Halpert: Nope, social club. God, I hate when everybody calls us a rebellion.

[Darryl walks into the kitchen. Jim puts his fist up and Darryl does it back]

Dwight Schrute: Okay, you know what? I would love to join The Fist.

Jim Halpert: And we would love to have you, but not today. Unfortunately, it's a bad day, what with Operation Overthrow and everything.

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[in regards to Jo coming in to talk with Dwight as acting manager]

Dwight Schrute: So I expect you to be on your best behavior, which means none of you will be insubordinate, nor will you foment insurrection.

Jim Halpert: Question. If we've already fomented insurrection, may we be grandfathered in?

Dwight Schrute: Define "foment."

Jim Halpert: You define "foment."

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[Dwight is talking to Jim in Dwight's office]

Dwight Schrute: Jo is coming later today. I cannot have a subordinate trying to make me look stupid. Okay? I need you to promise me you'll be on your best behavior.

Jim Halpert: I *promised* other people that I would be on my worst behavior. And I gave them my word, so...

Dwight Schrute: Don't make me fire you.

Jim Halpert: You can't fire me. You're acting manager, not office manager, so you have no firing powers.

Dwight Schrute: Don't make me pre-fire you.

Jim Halpert: [serious tone] You wouldn't dare.

Dwight Schrute: Watch this. You're pre-fired. And when I'm promoted, you'll be full-fired.

[Jim stands up and talks softly]

Jim Halpert: If you get promoted. And if you haven't fallen in love with me by then.

Dwight Schrute: [shocked] What?

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[Deleted scene. Jordan walks up to Jim's desk with a clipboard]

Jordan Garfield: Hey, Jim.

Jim Halpert: Hey.

Jordan Garfield: What are you doing?

Jim Halpert: Just trying to process this invoice by 3:00. What are you doing?

Jordan Garfield: I am making a list for Dwight on what everyone's secretly up to.

Jim Halpert: No, you're not. 'Cause I'm doing that.

[Jim takes the clipboard]

Jordan Garfield: Don't you have a deadline?

Jim Halpert: Well, it's not all about deadlines, Jordan.

[Jim begins writing down made-up things for Dwight's list]

Jim Halpert: Does "gorilla" have two "R's"?

Jordan Garfield: The animal or the soldiers?

Jim Halpert: Both, actually.

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[as Jim, Dwight, and a small group decide what to get Deangelo in the hospital]

Jim Halpert: All in favor of the baskets full of chocolates, teddy bears, and ballons.

[Everyone but Dwight raises their hands]

Dwight Schrute: Wait, wait. All in favor of the knapsack filled with canned goods, chainsaw, gasoline and emergency radio in case he wakes up post-apocalypse.

[Dwight raises his hand, as Jim jokingly looks around the group to see if anyone else did. No one else raises their hands]

Jim Halpert: Nope. Baskets have it.

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[Gabe pulls Andy into the conference room with the blinds shut to confront him about Erin]

Gabe Lewis: Are you still in love with Erin?

Andy Bernard: What?

Gabe Lewis: Because I am. I need to get her back. I can't be alone anymore.

[Gabe starts sobbing]

Gabe Lewis: Andy, do you like being alone with me right now?

Andy Bernard: No, this is horrifying.

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[Gabe walks up to reception to Erin]

Gabe Lewis: Erin, I am in love with you. I don't believe in much, okay? I don't believe in horoscopes. I don't believe in Christmas. I sure as hell don't believe in God.

Kelly Erin Hannon: [whispers in shock] What?

Gabe Lewis: Or maybe there's a God, I don't know. It's just not a guy with a long, white beard.

[Erin responds with a shocked expression]

Gabe Lewis: Or it could be. It's possible that is exactly what God is. But for all of the disbelief, I believe in us. I believe in love. You have made me believe that for all of the hokum out there...

[the reception phone rings incessantly]

Gabe Lewis: Do we not have voicemail?

Kelly Erin Hannon: Dwight doesn't trust robots to give us our messages.

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[Dwight comes in the conference room in a cowboy costume after shooting off a gun in the office]

Dwight Schrute: Yee-haw! Woo-hoo!

[Dwight imitates a six-gun firing in the air]

Dwight Schrute: [in Wild West accent] Howdy, partners. It's me, Gun Safety Dwight. And I'm the rootin'-est...

[Stops, takes off his cowboy hat and speaks normally]

Dwight Schrute: I can't do this. Um, look, obviously a gun went off under my watch and I'm launching a full investigation.

Stanley Hudson: We all saw you do it.

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[Deleted scene. Jordan reads back to Dwight the list on what everyone is "secretly up to," which Jim secretly wrote]

Jordan Garfield: Toby got bitten by a spider, but he seems stronger than ever.

Dwight Schrute: Keep tabs on that.

Jordan Garfield: Phyllis was selling a bunch of beet futures.

Dwight Schrute: Did she say why?

Jordan Garfield: No. Oscar was on some geological Web site, checking into the seismic pressure under the building, which had increased to 39.5.

Dwight Schrute: 39.5?

[Dwight stands up]

Jordan Garfield: Is that a problem?

Dwight Schrute: Oh, gee, I don't know, is a mega-volcano a problem? God, this day!

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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