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"Archer" Swiss Miss (TV Episode 2011) Poster

(TV Series)

(2011)

Quotes

Lana Kane: Was that before or after you got caught fondling a teenager?

Sterling Archer: Well, obviously, before. After was all gendarmes and dick stitches.

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Sterling Archer: No, I can't be alone.

[Lana groans]

Sterling Archer: That's when she strikes, like a slutty little ninja.

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Malory Archer: Herr Schlotz isn't the intended victim. It's his daughter, Anka.

[a picture of Anka flashes on a video screen behind Malory. In the picture, Anka is stepping out of a limousine with no underwear and a shaved, but blurred, crotch]

Sterling Archer: Who obviously needs someone on her constantly, so I will be that someone who is constantly on her.

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Malory Archer: [a picture of Anka Schlotz is displayed on a video screen behind Malory. In the picture, Anka is stepping out of a limousine with no underwear and a shaved, but blurred, crotch] Sterling Malory Archer! You will not touch a single hair on that girl.

Sterling Archer: Uhh, see... how I just let that go by. Look at me. I am the perfect gentleman.

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Sterling Archer: [Spoken into the bathroom mirror] You don't want the world's greatest secret agent on the case? Fine! You want little Countess Von Fingerbang to get kidnapped? Fine!

Sterling Archer: [a door is heard opening in the other room] Oh, oh, oh, and as for you, Ray, Sterling Archer may be many things...

Sterling Archer: [Archer walks out of the bathroom] ... but he is not...

Sterling Archer: [Archer sees Anka just inside the door of his hotel room] ... fine?

Anka Schlotz: I think he is very fine.

Sterling Archer: Uhh, no, no, Anka, you can't be in here.

Anka Schlotz: Anka? Mr. Archer, how familiar.

[Anka walks forward, unzipping her jacket]

Anka Schlotz: You must address me by my title, Countess Von Fingerbang.

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Anka Schlotz: I don't know. I am from Germany, where the age of consent is fourteen.

Sterling Archer: What is it? The Alabama of Europe?

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Malory Archer: Schwein doesn't even touch it.

Sterling Archer: Yeah, well neither did I mother. I saved her life! Go ask that dick I set on fire!

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Malory Archer: You're damn lucky Anka convinced her father not to press charges.

Sterling Archer: Yeah, I feel lucky. Let's see, sexually assaulted by a teenaged sociopath, interrogated by gendarmes, oh, three stitches in my penis, so, yep, it's all breaking my way.

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Pam: [Listening to gunfire in the distance] What the hell is all of that, you reckon?

Malory Archer: Immigrants. Cramming their low riders full of free healthcare and... snow.

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Ray Gillette: Aaah! Derby Day. Wore that exact same hat.

Sterling Archer: Shock.

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Sterling Archer: [Hungover] Forget the glass, Woodhouse. Just give me the pitcher! For I am a sinner in the hands of an angry God. Bloody Mary, full of vodka, blessed are you among cocktails. Pray for me now, at the hour of my death... which I hope is soon. Amen.

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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