- Anka Schlotz: I don't know. I am from Germany, where the age of consent is fourteen.
- Sterling Archer: What is it? The Alabama of Europe?
- Malory Archer: You're damn lucky Anka convinced her father not to press charges.
- Sterling Archer: Yeah, I feel lucky. Let's see, sexually assaulted by a teenaged sociopath, interrogated by gendarmes, oh, three stitches in my penis, so, yep, it's all breaking my way.
- Sterling Archer: [Spoken into the bathroom mirror] You don't want the world's greatest secret agent on the case? Fine! You want little Countess Von Fingerbang to get kidnapped? Fine!
- Sterling Archer: [a door is heard opening in the other room] Oh, oh, oh, and as for you, Ray, Sterling Archer may be many things...
- Sterling Archer: [Archer walks out of the bathroom] ... but he is not...
- Sterling Archer: [Archer sees Anka just inside the door of his hotel room] ... fine?
- Anka Schlotz: I think he is very fine.
- Sterling Archer: Uhh, no, no, Anka, you can't be in here.
- Anka Schlotz: Anka? Mr. Archer, how familiar.
- [Anka walks forward, unzipping her jacket]
- Anka Schlotz: You must address me by my title, Countess Von Fingerbang.
- Lana Kane: Was that before or after you got caught fondling a teenager?
- Sterling Archer: Well, obviously, before. After was all gendarmes and dick stitches.
- Sterling Archer: No, I can't be alone.
- [Lana groans]
- Sterling Archer: That's when she strikes, like a slutty little ninja.
- Malory Archer: [a picture of Anka Schlotz is displayed on a video screen behind Malory. In the picture, Anka is stepping out of a limousine with no underwear and a shaved, but blurred, crotch] Sterling Malory Archer! You will not touch a single hair on that girl.
- Sterling Archer: Uhh, see... how I just let that go by. Look at me. I am the perfect gentleman.
- Malory Archer: Schwein doesn't even touch it.
- Sterling Archer: Yeah, well neither did I, mother. I saved her life! Go ask that dick I set on fire!
- Malory Archer: Herr Schlotz fears they may attempt a kidnapping during the birthday party he's throwing this weekend in Gstaad.
- Ray Gillette: Ach. Gstaad.
- Lana Kane: Gstaad? Oh, yeah! Count me in.
- Sterling Archer: Yeah, and me out. I'm not getting frostbite protecting some old German guy.
- Malory Archer: Herr Schlotz isn't the intended victim. It's his daughter, Anka.
- [a picture of Anka flashes on a video screen behind Malory. In the picture, Anka is stepping out of a limousine with no underwear and a shaved, but blurred, crotch]
- Sterling Archer: Who obviously needs someone on her constantly, so I will be that someone who is constantly on her.
- Pam: [Listening to gunfire in the distance] What the hell is all of that, you reckon?
- Malory Archer: Immigrants. Cramming their low riders full of free healthcare and... snow.