Though blessed with an above-average cast, Robby D(allas) handed in yet another bland and boring excuse for a rom-com in "Buy a Bride", muffing a sure-fire premise. Made during Digital Playground's assembly-line era (falling between its all-time "Pirates" success and its current intl. conglomerate junk status) it was beyond disappointing to watch.
That's because going in I found a glimmer of hope in casting two legendary Euro actresses (Angel Dark and Lou Charmelle) instead of the usual line-up of tired tits (trademarked house talent Jane, Jones, Teagan, Kross, etc.). Holding up that end of the pendulum is Nikki Benz, whose fake breasts are counterbalanced here by the huge and natural ones of Haley Cummings.
But physical accoutrements aside, the problem as usual is the script, here credited to "Scarlett L." (the L presumably stands for Lady). She or it takes the always useful starting point of a mail order bride (perked up many a B Western) and updates it to lonely Tommy Gunn going on line and bidding on a Euro beauty, who turns out to be fabulous Angel Dark.
Along for terminally poor comic relief is Tommy's pesky co-worker Scott Nails, who even bids against his buddy just out of spite when Tommy is ordering up the girl. Of course misogyny is the great, unstated theme of Robby's movie, but that's not what kills it: generic sex and boring story arc do.
This sort of material requires a light touch, perhaps the rom-com approach of current top practitioner Stormy Daniels, or some visual style, as one gets from equally talented Skye Blue. No such luck: just five lengthy sex scenes are trotted out, poorly shot even though Mr. Robby is really a cameraman posing as a film director.
I enjoyed seeing Haley humped in the corporate bathroom, even though over-worked Nails (currently demoted to Digital Playground's sister label Brazzers) is the humper. Angel ends up looking better clothed than naked thanks to inept application (or lack thereof) of body makeup, while the divine French lady Charmelle is thrown into the mix merely to provide oh-so-European anal sex. Seemigly on retainer, Manuel Ferrara and Mick Blue bring their own brand of big cocks to flesh out the sex filler, just as they do in seemingly every Robby D. clunker circa 2010.
So instead of a big breakthrough in a leading role in a story feature made in the USA, the venerable Euro gonzo star Angel Dark is thrown on the trash heap.
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