Jake Harper: [Jake and Eldridge are making a video] A warm diet cola product. Ahhhh. Now, I will swallow a Mentos. Mentos. Now, I'll lay on the floor.
Eldridge Mackelroy: Goggles?
Jake Harper: Right. Safety first.
Eldridge Mackelroy: You feel anything yet?
Jake Harper: Oh yeah. It's workin'.
Eldridge Mackelroy: If it starts comin' out the back door, pull your pants down and roll over.
Jake Harper: Good thinkin'.
Alan Harper: [Alan comes into the kitchen] Hey, what's goin' on?
Jake Harper: Not a good time, Dad.
Alan Harper: What are you doing on the floor?
[Jake spews about four feet high, covering Alan]
Eldridge Mackelroy: [camera rolling] Awesome!
Alan Harper: [enraged] What the hell are you doing?
Jake Harper: I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Alan Harper: Are you all right?
Jake Harper: Yeah. We were just makin' a video. Hold on.
[he rushes to the sink to vomit some more]
Jake Harper: Cool stunts.
Alan Harper: Cool stunts? In God's name, why?
Jake Harper: You've heard of 'Jackass'?
Alan Harper: Yeah.
Eldridge Mackelroy: [proudly] We are Dumbass.
Alan Harper: [Jake and Eldridge's second stunt in their 'Dumbass' project goes a bit wrong] Do you realize how lucky you are? You could have broken your necks.
Jake Harper: We took precautions.
Alan Harper: [almost too angry to speak] You flew off the roof! In a shopping cart! What precautions?
Eldridge Mackelroy: We were planning to land in the ocean.
Alan Harper: You missed it... by a *hundred yards*!
Jake Harper: It's not an exact science, Dad.
Alan Harper: OK, OK, let's not dicker over the details.
Eldridge Mackelroy: [giggling] He said 'dicker'.
Jake Harper: I know!
Alan Harper: OK, OK, I am serious, OK? This 'Dumbass' thing stops right now.
Jake Harper: You're the one who told me I should follow my dreams.
Alan Harper: I meant dreams like Doctor, or Lawyer, not Crash Test Dummy!
Jake Harper: [musing] Doctor Jacob Harper. I like the sound of that.
Eldridge Mackelroy: [continuing the parody] Hey, Doc, what's this on my nut-sack? Is it infected?
Jake Harper: Yes. It seems we'll have to perform a nut-sack-ectomy.
Alan Harper: [reaching a new state of outrage] Will... you... two... quit with the cockamamie babble, and focus on what I am trying to tell you?
Jake Harper: [giggling anew] He said 'cockamamie'!
Eldridge Mackelroy: He said 'foke-us'!
Jake Harper: [for their third 'Dumbass' stunt, Jake is warming up some beans] So, I'm thinking we call this stunt 'Fart Rocket'.
Eldridge Mackelroy: Naw, I think we need to go with something a little more intellectual. How 'bout, 'The Dumbass Ass Blaster'?
Jake Harper: You can't use two 'asses' in a row. It's... redumnant.
Alan Harper: [comes into the kitchen] Hey, what's goin' on?
Jake Harper: Just makin' Eldridge somethin' to eat.
Alan Harper: [sensing another stupid stunt] Really.
Eldridge Mackelroy: Yes, I was peckerish.
Alan Harper: You mean, 'peckish'.
Eldridge Mackelroy: Fine, if you wanna dicker.
Jake Harper: Good one, dude!