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"Two and a Half Men" Lookin' for Japanese Subs (TV Episode 2011) Poster

Quotes

Jake Harper: [Jake and Eldridge are making a video] A warm diet cola product. Ahhhh. Now, I will swallow a Mentos. Mentos. Now, I'll lay on the floor.

Eldridge Mackelroy: Goggles?

Jake Harper: Right. Safety first.

Eldridge Mackelroy: You feel anything yet?

Jake Harper: Oh yeah. It's workin'.

Eldridge Mackelroy: If it starts comin' out the back door, pull your pants down and roll over.

Jake Harper: Good thinkin'.

Alan Harper: [Alan comes into the kitchen] Hey, what's goin' on?

Jake Harper: Not a good time, Dad.

Alan Harper: What are you doing on the floor?

[Jake spews about four feet high, covering Alan]

Eldridge Mackelroy: [camera rolling] Awesome!

Alan Harper: [enraged] What the hell are you doing?

Jake Harper: I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Alan Harper: Are you all right?

Jake Harper: Yeah. We were just makin' a video. Hold on.

[he rushes to the sink to vomit some more]

Jake Harper: Cool stunts.

Alan Harper: Cool stunts? In God's name, why?

Jake Harper: You've heard of 'Jackass'?

Alan Harper: Yeah.

Eldridge Mackelroy: [proudly] We are Dumbass.

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Alan Harper: [Jake and Eldridge's second stunt in their 'Dumbass' project goes a bit wrong] Do you realize how lucky you are? You could have broken your necks.

Jake Harper: We took precautions.

Alan Harper: [almost too angry to speak] You flew off the roof! In a shopping cart! What precautions?

Eldridge Mackelroy: We were planning to land in the ocean.

Alan Harper: You missed it... by a *hundred yards*!

Jake Harper: It's not an exact science, Dad.

Alan Harper: OK, OK, let's not dicker over the details.

Eldridge Mackelroy: [giggling] He said 'dicker'.

Jake Harper: I know!

Alan Harper: OK, OK, I am serious, OK? This 'Dumbass' thing stops right now.

Jake Harper: You're the one who told me I should follow my dreams.

Alan Harper: I meant dreams like Doctor, or Lawyer, not Crash Test Dummy!

Jake Harper: [musing] Doctor Jacob Harper. I like the sound of that.

Eldridge Mackelroy: [continuing the parody] Hey, Doc, what's this on my nut-sack? Is it infected?

Jake Harper: Yes. It seems we'll have to perform a nut-sack-ectomy.

Alan Harper: [reaching a new state of outrage] Will... you... two... quit with the cockamamie babble, and focus on what I am trying to tell you?

Jake Harper: [giggling anew] He said 'cockamamie'!

Eldridge Mackelroy: He said 'foke-us'!

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Jake Harper: [for their third 'Dumbass' stunt, Jake is warming up some beans] So, I'm thinking we call this stunt 'Fart Rocket'.

Eldridge Mackelroy: Naw, I think we need to go with something a little more intellectual. How 'bout, 'The Dumbass Ass Blaster'?

Jake Harper: You can't use two 'asses' in a row. It's... redumnant.

Alan Harper: [comes into the kitchen] Hey, what's goin' on?

Jake Harper: Just makin' Eldridge somethin' to eat.

Alan Harper: [sensing another stupid stunt] Really.

Eldridge Mackelroy: Yes, I was peckerish.

Alan Harper: You mean, 'peckish'.

Eldridge Mackelroy: Fine, if you wanna dicker.

Jake Harper: Good one, dude!

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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