Live from the Beverly Hilton Hotel... host Ricky Gervais takes the stage. His beer (presumably Fosters) is already waiting for him. The over-under on the amount of time it takes him to make a Charlie Sheen joke is 30 seconds.
"It's going to be a night of partying and heavy-drinking," Gervais says by way of welcome. "Or as Charlie Sheen calls it: 'breakfast.'"
The under wins.
On to a "Tourist" joke. He quashes the rumor that the only reason it was nominated was so the HFPA could hang out with Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie. "They also accepted bribes," he says.
He gets bleeped for "for Christ's sake."
He mentions "I Love You Phillip Morris" wasn't nominated. "Two heterosexual actors pretending to be gay, so the complete opposite of some famous Scientologists," he zings. As the guests in the room look around and wince, Gervais assures them the hypothetical actors in question aren't in the room.
"My lawyers helped me with the wording of that joke."
There's a Hugh Hefner is old joke, and some unfortunate pantomime.
He senses light laughter and gets right to presenting.
Scarlett Johansson is up first to give out best support actor in a movie, to Christian Bale for "The Fighter." Hopefully no one steps in his line of sight as he makes it to the podium, you know how he hates that.
Bale acknowledges he didn't used to know who the HFPA was. "And now I know who you are and I suddenly realize how wise and spectacularly perceptive you guys are," he jokes.
He gets played off the stage and the mike cuts out as he's trying to acknowledge Robert De Niro.
LL Cool J and Julie Bowen are out next for best actress in a drama TV series, which goes to Katey Sagal for "Sons of Anarchy."
She thanks her costars and FX execs and her manager of 30 years. She gets cut off just as she's thanking the show's exec producer, and her husband, Kurt Sutter.
Julianne Moore and Kevin Spacey acknowledge Miss Golden Globe, Joe Mantenga's daughter, Gia. They present mini-series or TV movie, to "Carlos".
The people who assigned the seats are batting o-fer on winners, as people keep having to make the long trek from their seats in Siberia in the back of the auditorium.
Whoever is accepting for "Carlos" gets played off as well, but seems to think the music is just mood and not a cue to shut up.
Ricky Gervais waits as the whole crew try to make their way off the stage. He introduces the next presenter as the star of Hudson Hawk, Hart's War and Mercury Rising and as Ashton Kutcher's dad: Bruce Willis.
He's there to introduce comedy nominee "RED."
Garrett Hedlund and Leighton Meester present next, but nobody hears what they're saying because Meester's dress has a slit that goes higher than the voice of the winner: Chris Colfer from "Glee."
He's barely putting words together as he gets on stage and thanks the show creator Ryan Murphy, his "fairy godfather."
He dedicates the win to his costars, "but most importantly to all the amazing kids that watch our show and the kids that our show celebrates and are constantly told 'no' by people because of who they are....well, screw that, kids."
Next up is Michelle Pfeiffer to present best picture nominee "Alice in Wonderland."
Phillip Burke, the president of the HFPA, comes out and congratulates everyone on their congratulating.
Milla Jovovich and Kevin Bacon present best actor in a TV drama to Steve Buscemi for "Boardwalk Empire."
He pulls out his notes and promises to talk fast "before that sad music comes on."
He thanks HBO and his costars and his family.
On to best TV series drama, which goes to "Boardwalk Empire."
Terrence Winter opens with "holy effing crap."
Mark Wahlberg takes the stage. Fun fact: he's an exec producer on the show. Winter wraps up: "To my family and friends back in Brooklyn: I can't believe I'm sitting at a table with Al Pacino either."
Andrew Garfield presents "The Social Network" but gets totally tangled on the word "inspiringly" because, well, it's not a word.
Alec Baldwin and Jennifer Lopez are next and introduce best original song after he awkwardly talks about her dress and makes a "Ski Party" joke. Uh, sure.
"You Haven't Seen the Last of Me" from "Burlesque" wins and Diane Warren and thanks Cher for being "the eternal bada--- you always are."
Next is best original score, which even Alec Baldwin seems bored by. Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross win for "The Social Network."
Trent Reznor thanks the people on the movie and doesn't look the least bit like a hard core rocker with his reasonable length hair and tux.
And then, it's time for Justin Bieber and Hailee Steinfeld, the girl from "True Grit" (yes, she's taller than him). They introduce best animated movie. The winner is "Toy Story 3". (Cut to Tom Hanks and, inexplicably, Jennifer Love Hewitt.)
The director Lee Unkrich accepts, acknowledging the presenters and asking if they were even born when the first one came out.
Gervais is on to drinking wine introduces the next star as from Ironman, then wonders if it's a porn title. He continues with "Kiss Kiss Bang Bang" and "Bowfinger" to make his point, then says he's also from Betty Ford and the Los Angeles county jail.
Robert Downey Jr. comes out and not only takes the jab in stride, but gamely jabs back.
"Aside from the fact that it's been hugely mean-spirited with mildly sinister overtones, I'd say the vibe of the show is pretty good so far," he says.
He moves on to his intro.
"I don't think an actress can say she's done her best work... until she's slept with me, Julianne." Cut to Julianne Moore. Then Anne Hathaway, Annette Bening, Emma Stone and Angelina Jolie, the nominees for best actress in a comedy.
Downey continues, saying that somehow the women did their best work without him.
"I guess I'm just saying, if I could, I'd give it to all five of you," he wraps up, pointedly. Maybe he'll want to host next year.
Annette Bening wins for "The Kids are All Right" and the camera immediately cuts to Jane Lynch, who recently married her girlfriend.
Bening thanks Julianne Moore, her costar, for asking her to make the movie. She thanks the 1962 Golden Globe winner for "Most Promising Actor," her husband Warren Beatty.
Ricky Gervais is back out, saying the next presenter has been in ten of the top grossing movies of all time.
"He has played a boxer...and Rambo."
Sylvester Stallone presents "The Fighter".
Geoffrey Rush and Tilda Swinton are next presenting best actor for mini-series or TV movie. Al Pacino wins for "You Don't Know Jack."
Al Pacino and his four-inch high brown hair take the stage and he rhapsodizes about the joy of playing a real person. He appears to be about half the size of Tilda Swinton, even with the hair.
The music does not play him off. You don't play Al Pacino off.
Then for actress in a mini-series or TV movie. We learn why Jennifer Love Hewitt is there: she's nominated for the Lifetime movie "The Client List."
But she loses to Claire Danes for "Temple Grandin."
Next is Zac Efron to introduce "The Kids Are Alright."
Ricky Gervais comes out next, introducing the next actor as one he cast in his show, "he's now leaving that show and killing a cash cow for both of us... please welcome the ungrateful Steve Carrell."
He and Tina Fey introduce the nominees for best screenplay. "Screenplays we could have written, if we had time," Fey says.
That one about the rock climber that, Carrell says, he would have given his right arm to write. Har.
Aaron Sorkin wins for "The Social Network."
He says the people at Sony believe "people who watch movies are at least as smart as the people who make them."
The table applauds Scott Rudin as the "best living producer."
He commends David Fincher for making scenes of typing look like bank robberies.
Next is supporting actress for TV. Jane Lynch wins, she hugs Sofia Vergara almost immediately.
"I am nothing if not falsely humble," she says, and acknowledges "Glee" writer Ian Brennan for writing Sue's "deranged" lines.
More Ricky, who introduces the next category as one "no one in America cares about." Foreign films!
"In a Better World" from Denmark wins. Smugly check that off on your Golden Globe ballot if you guessed it right.
Helen Mirren is up next to introduce "The King's Speech."
Blair Underwood and Vanessa Williams presents best actress in a TV series, which goes to Laura Linney from "The Big C." She's not there to accept.
Jane Fonda introduces "Burlesque."
Next, best actor for TV. Kaley Cuoco (and her impossibly long hair extensions) announce her costar Jim Parsons as the winner.
He thanks "my writers" then catches himself, saying "the writers - 'my writers,' how crass."
Jeremy Irons introduces the nominees for best supporting actress in a movie. As they cut to Helena Bonham Carter we see she's wearing a tumbleweed on her head. That's some hairdo.
Melissa Leo wins for "The Fighter" and thanks anyone she can think of.
Matt Damon is up to present the Cecil B. Moore award to Robert De Niro, who he says he hadn't heard of until about five years ago when he was in "The Good Shepherd."
He quotes from "The Godfather" - doing the Fredo part. And then "GoodFellas" - the Joe Pesci lines.
"And who could forget 'Taxi Driver' where he was literally unrecognizable as a blonde 13 year old hooker?" Damon jokes, before a montage of De Niro - including "Analyze That."
Then Bobby D takes the stage and the crowd stands and applauds - and he lets them.
"Thank you, Matt - and I loved you in 'The Fighter'," he says.
To the HFPA: "I was very gratified when you made the announcement two months ago - well before you had a chance to review 'Little Fockers,'" he says.
He says some of his movies were missing from the montage, but the punchline is censored.
He says he's releasing some of his movies on DVD for people who may have missed them "I'll be selling them in the lobby right after I pose for more pictures with the remaining members of the Hollywood Foreign Press."
He gets another standing O when he leaves.
Then it's Megan Fox to introduce "The Tourist."
Annette Bening introduces best director. David Fincher wins for "The Social Network".
He reads his acceptance speech, thanking the crew "without whom I'd just be a bitter old man with a lot of opinions."
Jimmy Fallon and January Jones present best TV comedy to "Glee." We hear their rendition of Journey for the third time.
Ryan Murphy thanks people as the entire cast and crew takes the stage. His acceptance speech takes less time than their entrance.
Alicia Keys introduces "The Black Swan".
Next, Halle Berry introduces best actor in a comedy, in which Johnny Depp is nominated twice. Paul Giamatti wins for "Barney's Version."
"I'm a little jacked up because I ate five boxes of the free Godiva chocolates," he says.
He thanks his three movie wives, and says he got to "smoke and drink and" something that gets censored.
Joseph Gordon Levitt gets up and quotes Betty Davis in introducing "Inception."
Jeff Bridges strides on stage next and introduces the nominees for best actress in a drama. The winner is Natalie Portman, who pregnantly takes the stage and thanks her grandmother in Cincinnati and parents, who are in the audience.
She mentions her fiance Benjamin Millepied, who choreographed the movie and had a line, saying he didn't want to sleep with Natalie's character.
"He's the best actor, it's not true! He totally wants to sleep with me," she says.
Ricky Gervais introduces the next two presenters as a man whose movies have made $3.5 billion and he's won two Academy Awards and three Golden Globes... and Tim Allen.
He and Tom Hanks introduce the nominees for best comedy.
"We remember when Ricky Gervais was a slightly chubby, kind comedian," Tom Hanks says.
"Neither of which he is now," concludes Allen.
The winner is "The Kids Are Alright".
Sandra Bullock introduces the nominees for best actor in a drama. Colin Firth wins for "The King's Speech".
He thanks the HFPA for the mid-life reassurance. "Right now this is all that stands between me and a Harley Davidson."
He calls director Tom Hooper and his costar Geoffrey Rush the two other sides of his "man love triangle."
Michael Douglas gets a standing ovation as he comes out to announce the final award of the evening. "There's just gotta be an easier way to get a standing ovation," he says.
Onto the nominees for best picture (drama). "The Social Network" wins. (Insert status update joke here.)
Producer Scott Rudin accepts. Kevin Spacey is among the crowd on the stage, as a producer.
He thanks Mark Zuckerberg for allowing them to tell a story about social networking through his life.
Ricky Gervais comes out to say good night. "Thanks everyone in the room for being good sports," he says, even though they weren't.
Finally: "Thank you to God - for making me an atheist."