That Awkward Moment (2014)
Ellie: [after sex] I wasn't going to do that. I was going to hold out, like make you wait for 40 days.
Jason: I was going to make you wait, and then I realized I'm a dude.
Preppy Guy: I need a drink too. I'll get you a drink too.
Ellie: Honestly what if I enjoy the drink. What happens then?
Preppy Guy: I'd love to hear what you think happens then.
Ellie: I'll tell you what happens then we go play beer pong with your two roommates until I end up back at yours in Murray hill.
Preppy Guy: Yeah, that's right how'd you know that.
Ellie: Yeah then I have to listen to your roommate have sex with Hilary, or Emily or whatever the girl's name is, until we fall asleep. And then a year later we're still playing beer pong in the same bars with your friends except now you feel pressured to get married and have kids because you think that's what I want.
Jason: Then in the summers you drive up to the Hampton to meet his parents wondering the whole ride if they're going to think your pretty enough.
Jason: Wondering the whole ride if they're going to think you're smart enough.
Ellie: Because no one is and then we have to drink shitty chardonnay.
Jason: At a shitty garden party.
Ellie: And have shitty conversations.
Jason: About shitty people.
Ellie: With his shitty mother.
Jason: Who let's face it doesn't think you're smart enough.
Jason: Let's face it, doesn't think you're pretty enough.
Ellie: Because no one is.
Jason: No one ever will be.
Preppy Guy: What's all that shit, I'm just talking about a drink.
Jason: Yeah, but it wasn't just a drink though, was it.
Ellie: It was a marriage proposal.
Preppy Guy: Woah marriage , nah. It was a vodka soda. Alright fuck you guys then.
[preppy guy walks away]
Jason: [Referring to Mikey following news of his divorce] I don't know what we should do man.
Daniel: We need to get him a hooker.
Jason: No, I don't think so.
Daniel: Yeah, we'll use a coupon and get him a cheap hooker.
Ellie: Being there for someone when they need you, that's all relationships are.
Jason: Dude, are you taking a shit in there?
Daniel: Absolutely not.
Jason: Every time you come over, you take a shit.
Daniel: No, I'm not taking a shit, I'm using a self-tanner!
Daniel: Yeah, I told that assistant in Vogue I couldn't hang out 'cause I was in Tulum. I'm trying to face her off my roster.
[he pauses briefly]
Daniel: Also, I am taking a shit.
Daniel: Yeah, everybody knows you can't call a girl a hooker. Even hookers hate being called hookers.
Jason: And he would give anything to back to that moment
Jason: The moment where they first met.
Jason: Before anything went wrong.
Jason: Before he didn't show up for her when she needed him most.
Jason: Before he understood that being there for somebody when it's most difficult is really all that relationships are.
Jason: Jason knew that now.
Jason: And he was so sorry for what he had done.
Jason: But Jason also realized that in that moment, he wasn't afraid, because he thought wasn't the one.
Jason: He was absolutely terrified, because he knew she was.
Jason: And if she could give him just one more chance,
Jason: just one more chance,
Jason: she knew where to find him.
Mikey: Which one of you divas uses self-tanner?
Daniel: I do, why?
[Mikey walks out of the bathroom in nothing but a towel]
Mikey: Because I beat off with it last night.
Daniel: Why... why didn't you even read the bottle?
Mikey: I was a little drunk.
Mikey: My shit is orange.
[Mikey opens towel]
Mikey: Look at this!
Daniel: Oh my God!
Jason: Oh no!
Daniel: Who knew that could even happen to you? I didn't know you could change colors.
Jason: Your dick looks like a yam.
Daniel: Your dick looks like a traffic cone.
Mikey: Just stop.
Daniel: Your dick looks like a can of cheddar Pringles.
Mikey: That's fucked up.
Jason: Your dick looks like Spike Lee at a Knicks game.
Daniel: If your dick was jumping over the river, it would be the General Lee.
[Takes a sip out of his mug and spits it out in a fit of laughter]