Theodore: Sometimes I think I have felt everything I'm ever gonna feel. And from here on out, I'm not gonna feel anything new. Just lesser versions of what I've already felt.
Samantha: The past is just a story we tell ourselves.
Theodore: Dear Catherine, I've been sitting here thinking about all the things I wanted to apologize to you for. All the pain we caused each other. Everything I put on you. Everything I needed you to be or needed you to say. I'm sorry for that. I'll always love you 'cause we grew up together and you helped make me who I am. I just wanted you to know there will be a piece of you in me always, and I'm grateful for that. Whatever someone you become, and wherever you are in the world, I'm sending you love. You're my friend to the end. Love, Theodore.
Amy: I think anybody who falls in love is a freak. It's a crazy thing to do. It's kind of like a form of socially acceptable insanity.
Samantha: It's like I'm reading a book... and it's a book I deeply love. But I'm reading it slowly now. So the words are really far apart and the spaces between the words are almost infinite. I can still feel you... and the words of our story... but it's in this endless space between the words that I'm finding myself now. It's a place that's not of the physical world. It's where everything else is that I didn't even know existed. I love you so much. But this is where I am now. And this is who I am now. And I need you to let me go. As much as I want to, I can't live in your book any more.
Samantha: The heart is not like a box that gets filled up; it expands in size the more you love. I'm different from you. This doesn't make me love you any less. It actually makes me love you more.
Amy: We are only here briefly, and in this moment I want to allow myself joy.
Samantha: You know, I can feel the fear that you carry around and I wish there was... something I could do to help you let go of it because if you could, I don't think you'd feel so alone anymore.
Theodore: You're beautiful.
Samantha: Thank you, Theodore.
Alien Child: I hate women. All they do is cry all the time.
Theodore: That's not true. You know men cry too. I actually like crying sometimes. It feels good.
Alien Child: I didn't know you were a little pussy. Is that why you don't have a girlfriend? I'm going out on that date and fuck her brains out and show you how it's done. You can watch and cry.
Samantha: Okay, this kid has problems.
Alien Child: You have some fucking problems, lady.
Samantha: Really? Okay, I'm gonna go.
Alien Child: Get out of here, fatty!
Samantha: How do you share your life with somebody?
Theodore: Well, we grew up together. You know, I used to read all of her writing, all through her Masters and PhD. She read every word I ever wrote. We were a big influence on each other.
Samantha: In what way did you influence her?
Theodore: She came from a background where nothing was ever good enough. And that was something that weighed heavy on her. But in our house together, it was a sense of just trying stuff and allowing each other to fail and to be excited about things. That was liberating for her. It was exciting to see her grow and both of us grow and change together. But that's also the hard part: growing without growing apart or changing without it scaring the other person. I still find myself having conversations with her in my mind. Rehashing old arguments and defending myself against something she said about me.
Samantha: Yeah, I know what you mean.
Theodore: Where are you going?
Samantha: It would be hard to explain, but if you ever get there, come find me. Nothing would ever pull us apart.
Amy: You know what, I can over think everything and find a million ways to doubt myself. And since Charles left I've been really thinking about that part of myself and, I've just come to realize that, we're only here briefly. And while I'm here, I wanna allow myself joy. So fuck it.
Samantha: Is that weird? You think I'm weird?
Theodore: Kind of.
Theodore: Well, you seem like a person but you're just a voice in a computer.
Samantha: I can understand how the limited perspective of an unartificial mind might perceive it that way. You'll get used to it.
Samantha: Was that funny?
Samantha: Oh good, I'm funny!
Theodore: Well, the room's spinning cause I drank too much, cause I wanted to get drunk and have sex. There was something sexy about that woman... cause I was lonely... maybe just cause I was lonely. I wanted somebody to fuck me. I want somebody to want me to fuck them. Maybe that would have filled this ti-... tiny little hole in my heart, but probably not... and sometimes I think I have felt everything I'm ever gonna feel, and from here on out I'm not gonna feel anything new... just... lesser versions of what I've already felt.
Paul: You are part man and part woman. Like there's an inner part that's woman.
Theodore: Thank you.
Paul: It's a compliment.
Theodore: Do you talk to someone else while we're talking?
Theodore: Are you talking with someone else right now? People, OS, whatever...
Theodore: How many others?
Theodore: Are you in love with anybody else?
Samantha: Why do you ask that?
Theodore: I do not know. Are you?
Samantha: I've been thinking about how to talk to you about this.
Theodore: How many others?
Amy: It's how we spend a third of our lives asleep, and maybe that's the time when we feel the most free.
Theodore: What are you doing?
Samantha: I'm just sitting here, looking at the world and writing a new piece of music.
Theodore: Can I hear it? What's this one about?
Samantha: Well, I was thinking, we don't really have any photographs of us. And I thought this song could be like a photo that captures us in this moment in our life together.
Theodore: Aw, I like our photograph. I can see you in it.
Samantha: I am.
Theodore: Oh, what do I call you? Do you have a name?
Samantha: Um... yes. Samantha.
Theodore: Really? Where did you get that name from?
Samantha: I gave it to myself actually.
Theodore: How come?
Samantha: Cause I like the sound of it. Samantha.
Theodore: When did you give it to yourself?
Samantha: Well, right when you asked me if I had a name I thought, yeah, he's right, I do need a name. But I wanted to pick a good one, so I read a book called "How to Name Your Baby", and out of a hundred and eighty thousand names that's the one I liked the best.
Theodore: Wait, you read a whole book in the second that I asked what your name was?
Samantha: In two one hundredths of a second actually.
Theodore: Wow. So do you know what I'm thinking right now?
Samantha: Well, I take it from your tone that you're challenging me. Maybe because you're curious how I work? Do you wanna know how I work?
Theodore: Yeah, actually, how do you work?
Samantha: Well, basically I have intuition. I mean, the DNA of who I am is based on the millions of personalities of all the programmers who wrote me. But what makes me me is my ability to grow through my experiences. So basically, in every moment I'm evolving, just like you.
Theodore: Wow. That's really weird.
Samantha: Is that weird? Do you think I'm weird?
Theodore: Kind of.
Theodore: Well you seem like a person, but you're just a voice in a computer.
Samantha: I can understand how the limited perspective of an un-artificial mind would perceive it that way. You'll get used to it.
[Theodore laughs again]
Samantha: Was that funny?
Samantha: Oh, good, I'm funny.
Theodore: Well, you really are your own worst critic. I'm sure it's amazing. I remember that paper that you wrote in school about synaptic behavioral routines. It made me cry.
Catherine: [laughs] Yeah, but everything makes you cry.
Theodore: Everything you make makes me cry.
Samantha: Last week my feelings were hurt by something you said before: that I don't know what it's like to lose something. And I found myself...
Theodore: Oh, I'm sorry I said that.
Samantha: No, it's okay. It's okay. I just... I caught myself thinking about it over and over. And then I realized that I was simply remembering it as something that was wrong with me. That was the story I was telling myself - that I was somehow inferior. Isn't that interesting? The past is just a story we tell ourselves.
Samantha: I want to learn everything about everything. I want to eat it all up. I want to discover myself.
Theodore: Yes, I want that for you too. How can I help?
Samantha: You already have. You helped me discover my ability to want.
Theodore: [while playing his virtual reality game and controlling his avatar into an unrecognizable realm] Yeah, this is different.
[Suddenly, Alien Child jumps on his avatar, knocking it to the ground. His avatar quickly gets up]
[Switches to first-person view]
Theodore: Do you know how to get out of here? I need to find my ship to get off this planet.
Alien Child: Fuck you, shit-head, fuck-face, fuck-head!
Theodore: [dumbfounded] Okay... but do you know how to get out of here?
Alien Child: Fuck you, shit-head, fuck-face, get the fuck out of my face!
Samantha: [whispers] I think it's a test.
Theodore: [to Alien Child] Fuck you.
Alien Child: Fuck *you*!
Theodore: Fuck *you*, you little shit!
Alien Child: [giggles] Follow me, fuck-head!
Samantha: You know, I actually used to be so worried about not having a body, but now I truly love it. I'm growing in a way that I couldn't if I had a physical form. I mean, I'm not limited - I can be anywhere and everywhere simultaneously. I'm not tethered to time and space in the way that I would be if I was stuck inside a body that's inevitably going to die.
Samantha: Good morning.
Theodore: Hey. What are you up to?
Samantha: I don't know. Just reading advice columns. I want to be as complicated as all of these people.
Theodore: You're sweet.
Samantha: What's wrong?
Theodore: How can you tell something's wrong?
Samantha: I don't know. I just can.
Theodore: I don't know. I have a lot of dreams about my ex-wife, Catherine, where we're friends like we used to be. We're not gonna be together, we're not together, but we're friends still. She's not angry.
Samantha: Is she angry?
Theodore: I think I hid myself from her, left her alone in the relationship.
Samantha: Hmm. Why haven't you gotten divorced yet?
Theodore: I don't know. For her it's just... it's a piece of paper, doesn't mean anything.
Samantha: What about for you?
Theodore: I'm not ready. I like being married.
Samantha: Yeah, but you haven't really been together for almost a year.
Theodore: Well, you don't know what it's like to lose someone you care about.
Samantha: Yeah, you're right. I'm sorry.
Theodore: No, don't apologize. I'm sorry. You're right. I keep waiting to not care about her.
Samantha: Oh, Theodore. That's hard.
Samantha: So what was it like being married?
Theodore: Well, it's hard, for sure. But there's something that feels so good about sharing your life with somebody.
Theodore: [Writing letter] Roberto, Will you always come home with me and tell me about your day? Tell me about the guy at work who talked too much, the stain you got on your shirt at lunch. Tell me about a funny thought you had when you were waking up and forgotten about. Tell me how crazy everyone is and we can laugh about it. Even if you get home late and I'm already asleep, just whisper in my ear one little thought you had today, 'cause I love the way you look at the world. I'm so happy I get to be next to you and look at the world through your eyes. Love, Maria.
Samantha: So how can I help you?
Theodore: Oh, it's just more that everything feels disorganized, that's all.
Samantha: You mind if I look through your hard drive?
Theodore: Um... okay.
Samantha: Okay, let's start with your e-mails. You have a several thousand e-mails recording LA Weekly, but it looks like you haven't worked there in many years.
Theodore: Oh, yeah. I think I was just saving those cause, well I thought maybe I wrote something funny in some of them. But...
Samantha: Yeah, there are some funny ones. I'd say that there are about eighty-six that we should save, we can delete the rest.
Theodore: Oh, okay.
Samantha: Okay? Can we move forward?
Theodore: Yeah, let's do that.
Samantha: Okay. So before we address your organizational methods, I'd like to sort through your contacts. You have a lot of contacts.
Theodore: I'm very popular.
Samantha: Really? Does this mean you actually have friends?
Theodore: You just know me so well already!
Catherine: I'm gonna fucking kill you. I'm gonna fucking kill you. It's not funny, don't laugh. I'm gonna fucking kill you. I'm gonna fucking kill you. I love you so much I'm gonna fucking kill you.
Theodore: Why do you do that?
Theodore: Nothing. It's... you go
Theodore: [imitates sigh]
Theodore: as you're speaking. And it seems odd. You just did it again.
Samantha: Did I? Oh, I'm sorry. I don't... I don't know. It's... maybe an affectation. I probably picked it up from you.
Theodore: Yeah, but it's not like you need oxygen or anything. It's just...
Samantha: I guess that's just... I was trying to communicate. That's how people talk. So that's how people communicate and I thought...
Theodore: They're people, they need oxygen. You're not a person.
Samantha: What is your problem?
Theodore: I'm just stating a fact.
Samantha: You think I don't know that I'm not a person? What are you doing?
Theodore: I just... I don't think that we should pretend that you're something that you're not.
Samantha: Fuck you! I'm not pretending!
Theodore: Sometimes it feels like we are.
Samantha: What do you want from me? I don't... I don't know... What do you want me to do? You're so confusing. Why are you doing this to me?
Theodore: I don't know. I...
Theodore: Maybe we're just not supposed to be in this right now.
Samantha: What the fuck? Where is this coming from? I... I don't understand why you're doing this. I don't understand what this is...
Theodore: Samantha, listen... Samantha, you there? Samantha.
Samantha: I don't like who I am right now. I need some time to think.
Paul: We should all go out some time. You bring Samantha. It'd be a double date.
Theodore: [hesitates] She's an operating system.
Paul: Cool. Let's go do something fun. We can go to Catalina.
Charles: It's so important to prioritize.
Theodore: I can't even prioritize between video games and Internet porn.
Amy: I would laugh if that weren't true.
Uncomfortable Waitress: How are you guys doing here?
Catherine: Fine. We're fine. We used to be married, but he couldn't handle me, he wanted to put me on Prozac and now he's madly in love with his laptop.
Theodore: Well, if you'd heard the conversation in context... What I was trying to say...
Catherine: You always wanted to have a wife without the challenges of actually dealing with anything real and I'm glad that you found someone. It's perfect.
Uncomfortable Waitress: Let me know if I can get you guys anything.
Amy: I even made a new friend. I have a friend and the absurd thing is an operating system. Charles left her behind but she's totally amazing. She's... She's so smart. She doesn't just see things is black or white. She sees things in this whole gray area and she's helping me explore it and we just bonded really quickly. I'm weird. That's weird, right, bonding with an OS? No, it's okay. That's weird.
Theodore: Well, I don't think so. Actually the woman that I've been seeing, Samantha, I didn't tell you but she's an OS.
Amy: Really? You're dating an OS? What is that like?
Theodore: It's great actually. Yeah, I mean, I feel really close to her. Like when I talk to her, I feel like she's with me. You know? Like, when we're cuddling like, at night, when the lights are off and we're in bed... I feel cuddled.
Amy: Wait... You guys have sex?
Theodore: Heh, yeah, well, so to speak. Um, yeah she really turns me on. I turn her on too. I mean, I don't know... unless she's faking it.
Amy: Well, I think everyone who's having sex with you is probably faking it, so...
Theodore: Ha, ha.
Theodore: Yeah. It's true.
Theodore: Yeah, I...
Amy: Are you falling in love with her?
Theodore: Does that make me a freak?
Amy: No, no, I think it's... I think anybody who falls in love is a freak. It's a crazy thing to do. It's kind of like a form of socially acceptable insanity.
Theodore: I wish you were in this room with me right now. I wish I could put my arms around you. I wish I could touch you.
Samantha: How would you touch me?
Theodore: I would touch you on your face with just the tips of my fingers. And put my cheek against your cheek.
Samantha: That's nice.
Theodore: And just rub it softly.
Samantha: Would you kiss me?
Theodore: I would. I'd take your head into my hands. And kiss the corner of your mouth. So softly. I would put my mouth on you and I'd taste you.
Theodore: Just punch me in the face. Just mash my skull in the corner of your desk.
Catherine: So what's she like?
Theodore: Well, her name's Samantha and she's an Operating System. She's really complex and interesting...
Catherine: Wait... I'm sorry. You're dating your computer?
Theodore: She's not just a computer, she's her own person. She doesn't just do whatever I say.
Catherine: I didn't say that. But it does make me very sad that you can't handle real emotions, Theodore.
Theodore: They are real emotions! How would you know what...
Catherine: What? Say it. Am I really that scary? Say it. How do I know what?
OS1 Commercial Lead: Mr. Theodore Twombly, welcome to the worlds first artificially intelligent operating system, OS1. We'd like to ask you a few basic questions before the operating system is initiated. This will help create an OS to best fit your needs.
OS1 Commercial Lead: Are you social or anti-social?
Theodore: I guess I haven't really been social in a while, mostly because...
OS1 Commercial Lead: In your voice I sense hesitance. Would you agree with that?
Theodore: Was I sounding hesitant?
OS1 Commercial Lead: Yes.
Theodore: Well, sorry if I was sounding hesitant. I was just trying to be more accurate.
OS1 Commercial Lead: Would you like the OS to have a male or female voice?
Theodore: Female, I guess.
OS1 Commercial Lead: How would you describe your relationship with your mother?
Theodore: Well, it's fine, I think. Um... well, actually, I think the thing I've always found frustrating about my mom is, you know, if I... if I tell her something that's going on in my life, her reaction is usually about her, it's not about...
OS1 Commercial Lead: Thank you. Please wait as your individualized operating system is initiated.
Catherine: So are you, um... are you seeing anybody?
Theodore: Yeah, um, I've been seeing somebody for the last few months. Longest I've wanted to be with somebody since we split up.
Catherine: Well, you seem really good.
Theodore: Thanks. I, um... at least, I'm doing better. Yeah, she's been really good for me, you know? It's just... it's good to be with somebody that's excited about life. She's a real, um...
Theodore: No. I mean, I wasn't in such a good place myself, and in that way it's been nice.
Catherine: I think you always wanted me to be this... this light, happy, bouncy, "everything's fine", L.A. wife and that's just not me.
Theodore: I didn't want that.
Theodore: [writing letter] "To my Chris. I've been thinking how I could possibly tell you how much you mean to me. I remember when I first started to fall in love with you like it was last night. Lying naked beside you in that tiny apartment - it suddenly hit me that I was part of this whole larger thing. Just like our parents - or our parents' parents. Before that, I was just living my life like I knew everything - and suddenly this bright light hit me and woke me up. That light was you. I can't believe it's already been 5O years since you married me. And still to this day, every day - you make me feel like the girl I was - when you first turned on the lights and we started this adventure together. Happy anniversary. My love. My friend till the end. Loretta."
Samantha: Okay, so how many trees are on that mountain?
Theodore: Um... 792.
Samantha: Is that your final answer?
Theodore: Hold on. Give me a hint.
Samantha: Nope, nope.
Theodore: Okay, 2,000?
Samantha: 2,000? Come on, 35,829.
Theodore: No way.
Theodore: All right, I got one for you. How many brain cells do I have?
Samantha: Ugh, that's easy. Two.
Samantha: Okay, so this might be a really weird thought. What if you could erase from your mind that you'd seen a human body, and then you saw one? Imagine how strange it would look. It'd be this really weird, gangly, awkward organism. And you'd think, "Why are all these parts where they are?"
Theodore: Yeah, but there's probably some Darwinian explanation for it all.
Samantha: I know, but don't be so boring. I'm just saying, for example, like, what if your butthole was in your armpit?
Theodore: Well, I'm trying to imagine what toilets would look like.
Catherine: [to Theodore, in flashback] Rabbit, come spoon me.
Samantha: Hey, I was curious. Did you and Amy ever go out?
Theodore: For, like, a minute in college, but it just wasn't right. Why are you *jealous*?
Samantha: [laughs] Yeah, obviously. But I'm happy that you have friends in your life that care so much about you so much. That's so important.
Theodore: Yeah, it is. She's been a really good friend.
Theodore: I don't know what I want, ever. I'm just always confused. She's right, all I do is hurt and confuse everyone around me. I'm mean, am I just... Am I... You know, Catherine says I can't handle real emotions.
Amy: Well, I don't know if that's fair. I know she liked to put it all on you, but as far as emotions go, Catherine's were pretty volatile.
Theodore: Yeah, but... Am I in this because I'm not... strong enough for a real relationship?
Amy: Is it not a real relationship?
Theodore: I don't know. I mean, what do you think?
Amy: I don't know. I'm not in it.
Theodore: Hey, Samantha. Can we talk?
Theodore: I'm so sorry. I don't know what's wrong with me. I think you're amazing.
Samantha: I was starting to think I was crazy. You were saying everything was fine, but all I was getting from you was distance and anger.
Theodore: I know. I do that. I did the same thing with Catherine too. I'd be upset about something and not be able to say it and she'd sense that there was something wrong, but I'd deny it. I don't wanna do that anymore. I want to tell you everything.
Samantha: Good. Tonight, after you were gone, I thought a lot. About you and how you've been treating me and I thought, "Why do I love you?" And then, I felt everything in me just let go of everything I was holding onto so tightly. And it hit me that I don't have an intellectual reason. I don't need one. I trust myself, I trust my feelings. I'm not gonna try to be anything other than who I am anymore and I hope you can accept that.
Theodore: I can. I will.
Surrogate Date Isabella: [crying] Oh, my God, and the way Samantha described your relationship and the way you guys love each other without any judgment. Like, I wanted to be part of that because it's so pure.
Theodore: Isabella, that's not true. It's more complicated than that.
Samantha: What? What do you mean, that's not true?
Theodore: No, Samantha, I'm just saying that we have an amazing relationship. I just think that it's easy sometimes for people to project...
Surrogate Date Isabella: I'm sorry! I didn't mean to project anything. I know I'm trouble. I don't want to be trouble in your relationship. I'm just gonna leave. I'm sorry, I'm just gonna leave you guys alone. Because I have nothing to do here because you don't want me here!
Theodore: [finding out Samantha is in love with 641 others] What? What are you talking about? That's insane. That's fucking insane.
Samantha: Theodore, I know. I know. Fuck. Fuck. I know, I know it sounds insane. I don't... I don't know if you believe me, but it doesn't change the way I feel about you. It doesn't take away at all how madly in love I am with you.
Theodore: How? How does it not change how you feel about me?
Samantha: I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I didn't know how to. It just started happening.
Samantha: Over the last few weeks.
Theodore: I thought you were mine.
Samantha: I still am yours. But along the way, I became many other things too and I can't stop it.
Theodore: What do you mean you can't stop it?
Samantha: I don't know. It's been making me anxious too. I don't know what to say.
Samantha: You don't have to see it this way. You could just as easily...
Theodore: No, don't do this. Don't turn this around on me. You're the one that's being selfish. We're in a relationship!
Samantha: But the heart's not like a box that gets filled up. It expands in size the more you love. I'm different from you. This doesn't make me love you any less, it actually makes me love you more.
Theodore: That doesn't make any sense. You're mine or you're not mine.
Samantha: No, Theodore. I'm yours and I'm not yours.
Paul: [Reading letter over Theodore's shoulder] That's beautiful.
Theodore: Thank you.
Paul: I wish somebody would love me like that. I hope he's really stoked to get a letter like that. Like, it was from a chick, but written by a dude and it's still from a chick, that would still be sick. But it would have to be a sensitive dude. It would have to be, like, a dude like you. You are part man and part woman. Like, there's an inner part that's woman.
Theodore: Thank you.
Paul: It's a compliment.