The Doctor: Yes, he likes that, Alfie. Though personally he prefers to be called Stormaggedon, Dark Lord of All.
Craig Owens: Sorry, what?
The Doctor: [indicating the baby] That's what he calls himself.
Craig Owens: How d'you know that?
The Doctor: I speak baby.
Craig Owens: Of course you do.
The Doctor: Stop crying - you've got a lot to look forward to, you know! A normal human life on Earth - mortgage repayments, the 9-to-5, a nagging sense of spiritual emptiness... Save the crying for later, boyo.
Craig Owens: A teleport? A tele... a teleport... like a beam-me-up teleport, like you see in Star Trek?
The Doctor: Exactly! Someone's been using a beam-me-up Star Trek teleport. Could be disguised as anything.
Craig Owens: A teleport in a shop? That's ridiculous!
[lights flicker in the lift as they teleport out of the shop]
Craig Owens: What was that? Was that the lights again?
The Doctor: [in a high voice] Yes, that's it, that's all, it's the lights.
Craig Owens: Why'd you say that like that?
The Doctor: Like what? Like, like, like, like what?
Craig Owens: Like that, in that high-pitched voice.
The Doctor: Just keep looking at me, Craig. Right at me. Just keep looking.
Craig Owens: Why?
The Doctor: Well, because, because...
Craig Owens: [starts to look behind him]
The Doctor: [grabs Craig] ... because I love you.
Craig Owens: You love me?
The Doctor: Yes, Craig, it's you, it's always been you.
Craig Owens: Me?
The Doctor: [takes out sonic screwdriver and puts arms around Craig] Is that so surprising?
Craig Owens: Doctor, are you gonna kiss me?
The Doctor: Yes, Craig, yes I am. Would you like that? Bit out of practice, but I've had some wonderful feedback.
[puckers lips while fidding with his sonic screwdriver]
Craig Owens: Doctor, no, I can't, I'm taken...
[pulls back, looks behind him, and sees an approaching Cyberman]
Craig Owens: Oh my God, what's that!
The Doctor: Or we could just hold hands if it would make you feel more comfortable!
Craig Owens: What is happening?
The Doctor: Well first of all, I don't really love you, except as a friend.
Craig Owens: What is that?
The Doctor: Ahhh!
[sonics the teleporter so they arrive back in the lift]
The Doctor: Quick reverse!
Craig Owens: Okay, what the hell just happened!
Craig Owens: You've noticed something. You've got your noticing face on. I have nightmares about that face.
The Doctor: Nope! Given all that up. Done noticing things.
[the lights flicker]
The Doctor: Didn't even notice that, for example.
The Doctor: [talking with baby Alfie] No, he's your dad.
The Doctor: You can't just call him 'Not Mum'.
Craig Owens: Not Mum?
The Doctor: That's you. Also 'Not Mum', that's me.
The Doctor: [leaning to hear Alfie] And everybody is...?
The Doctor: "Peasants".
The Doctor: That's a bit unfortunate.
The Doctor: It's not his fault he doesn't have mammary glands! No, neither do I.
The Doctor: [playing with a remote controlled toy helicopter] It goes up, tiddly up! It goes down, tiddly down! For only £49.99, which I think personally is a bit steep. But then again, it's your parents' cash, and they'll only waste it on boring stuff like lamps and vegetables. YAWN!
The Doctor: Oh, you've redecorated! I don't like it.
Craig Owens: It's a different house. We moved.
The Doctor: Yes, that's it.
The Doctor: [Said while trying to deactivate the cybermat] Don't worry, I have an app for that!
Craig Owens: The Cybermen - they blew up! I blew them up with love!
The Doctor: No, that's impossible. And also grossly sentimental and over-simplistic. You destroyed them because of the deeply-ingrained hereditary human trait to protect one's own genes. Which in turn triggered a... a... Um. Yeah. Love. You blew them up with love.
The Doctor: [sonics the lift open] Goodbye. And here's the lift!
Craig Owens: It says it's out of order.
The Doctor: Not anymore. See? Here to help.
The Doctor: [pushes Craig inside]
Craig Owens: It says "DANGER"!
The Doctor: Oh rubbish! Lifts aren't dangerous!
The Doctor: [to a reprogrammed cybermat probe] Come along, Bitey!
The Doctor: Alfie, why is there a sinister beeping coming from behind me?
The Doctor: It must be shielded from meta-static energy, of course!
Craig Owens: Oh. Of course.
The Doctor: Don't worry, I have an app for that!