Doctor Who (TV Series)
Closing Time (2011)
James Corden: Craig Owens
Photos
Quotes
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The Doctor : Yes, he likes that, Alfie. Though personally he prefers to be called Stormaggedon, Dark Lord of All.
Craig Owens : Sorry, what?
The Doctor : [indicating the baby] That's what he calls himself.
Craig Owens : How d'you know that?
The Doctor : I speak baby.
Craig Owens : Of course you do.
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The Doctor : [talking with baby Alfie] No, he's your dad.
The Doctor : You can't just call him 'Not Mum'.
Craig Owens : Not Mum?
The Doctor : That's you. Also 'Not Mum', that's me.
The Doctor : [leaning to hear Alfie] And everybody is...?
The Doctor : "Peasants".
The Doctor : That's a bit unfortunate.
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Craig Owens : A teleport? A tele... a teleport... like a beam-me-up teleport, like you see in Star Trek?
The Doctor : Exactly! Someone's been using a beam-me-up Star Trek teleport. Could be disguised as anything.
Craig Owens : A teleport in a shop? That's ridiculous!
[lights flicker in the lift as they teleport out of the shop]
Craig Owens : What was that? Was that the lights again?
The Doctor : [in a high voice] Yes, that's it, that's all, it's the lights.
Craig Owens : Why'd you say that like that?
The Doctor : Like what? Like, like, like, like what?
[dropping voice]
Craig Owens : Like that, in that high-pitched voice.
The Doctor : Just keep looking at me, Craig. Right at me. Just keep looking.
Craig Owens : Why?
The Doctor : Well, because, because...
Craig Owens : [starts to look behind him]
The Doctor : [grabs Craig] ... because I love you.
Craig Owens : You love me?
The Doctor : Yes, Craig, it's you, it's always been you.
Craig Owens : Me?
The Doctor : [takes out sonic screwdriver and puts arms around Craig] Is that so surprising?
Craig Owens : Doctor, are you gonna kiss me?
The Doctor : Yes, Craig, yes I am. Would you like that? Bit out of practice, but I've had some wonderful feedback.
[puckers lips while fidding with his sonic screwdriver]
Craig Owens : Doctor, no, I can't, I'm taken...
[pulls back, looks behind him, and sees an approaching Cyberman]
Craig Owens : Oh my God, what's that!
The Doctor : Or we could just hold hands if it would make you feel more comfortable!
Craig Owens : What is happening?
The Doctor : Well first of all, I don't really love you, except as a friend.
Craig Owens : What is that?
The Doctor : Ahhh!
[sonics the teleporter so they arrive back in the lift]
The Doctor : Quick reverse!
Craig Owens : Okay, what the hell just happened!
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Craig Owens : You've noticed something. You've got your noticing face on. I have nightmares about that face.
The Doctor : Nope! Given all that up. Done noticing things.
[the lights flicker]
The Doctor : Didn't even notice that, for example.
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The Doctor : Oh, you've redecorated! I don't like it.
Craig Owens : It's a different house. We moved.
The Doctor : Yes, that's it.
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The Doctor : [sonics the lift open] Goodbye. And here's the lift!
Craig Owens : It says it's out of order.
The Doctor : Not anymore. See? Here to help.
The Doctor : [pushes Craig inside]
Craig Owens : It says "DANGER"!
The Doctor : Oh rubbish! Lifts aren't dangerous!
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Craig Owens : [seeing the Doctor in a shop] What the hell are you doing here?
The Doctor : Oh, I'm the Doctor. I work in a shop now. Here to help.
The Doctor : [pointing at his name badge] Look, they gave me a badge with my name on in case I forget who I am. Very thoughtful, as that does happen.
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Craig Owens : The Cybermen - they blew up! I blew them up with love!
The Doctor : No, that's impossible. And also grossly sentimental and over-simplistic. You destroyed them because of the deeply-ingrained hereditary human trait to protect one's own genes. Which in turn triggered a... a... Um. Yeah. Love. You blew them up with love.
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The Doctor : It must be shielded from meta-static energy, of course!
Craig Owens : Oh. Of course.
The Doctor : Don't worry, I have an app for that!
