The Angry Video Game Nerd: What turkeys worked on this murky mess of monkey jerky? Some quirky jackass from Albuquerque?
The Angry Video Game Nerd: I'd rather eat deceased skunk yeast than play inferior arcade ports, like Altered Beast. Altered Beast is a nut-kicking feast I can't stand in the least.
The Angry Video Game Nerd: Last Action Hero, I can't get passed the first stage. Getting whacked to death by Ernest P. Worrell sends me into a fit of rage.
The Angry Video Game Nerd: They'd puke at the nauseating effect of Marsupalami; the camera jumps with the character, and that's a bunch of shit sauce and salami. They'd take an axe to Mad Max; they'd take offense to Taboo: The Sixth Sense; they'd shriek squeaks and squeals racing around on Bigfoot's uncontrollable wheels.
Narrator: Then he ducked down the chimney, a bit absurd, but if Mario could do it, so could the Nerd.
The Angry Video Game Nerd: Skating may be the best part, but it's still just as delightfully tart. As a broccoli bean burrito eating skunk that's ready to fart.
Singer: [singing] You're a foul one, Mr. Nerd/ you're a dreadful, drunken schmuck/ your mouth is full of cusses and your mind is full of yuck, Mr. Nerd/ The three words that best describe you are, and I quote, "fick, fack, fuck!"
The Angry Video Game Nerd: Puss in Boots, that one really sucked. Dodging eagle poop in a car, man it's fucked. Nothing's more high class than the Statue of Liberty going right up your ass.
Narrator: He brought everything back, all the games for the feast. Then he himself, the Nerd, played Beauty and the Beast.
Narrator: Welcome, Christmas, bring your cheer. Cheer to all the gamers far and near. Welcome, Christmas, while we play, some pretty fucking shitty games today.