Dave: I bet you're wondering why I'm here.
Detective Lawrence 'Morgan Freeman' Appleton: I bet you're wondering what I'm doing with this can of gasoline.
Roger North: Do you ever wonder why, if you hear a word for the first time, you'll invariably hear it again within twenty-four hours? Or why you sometimes see a single shoe at the side of the road? I have been watching your species for a long time. I once watched a man who masturbated until he bled. Why did he do that?
Dave: [Dave swerves the car and pulls a gun on Roger] Do you know what this thing is? Do you know what it does?
Roger North: I have an idea...
Dave: And have you ever heard the old human expression "I want to shoot you so bad my dick's hard"?
Roger North: That I have never heard.
Dave: Yeah? Well maybe you'll hear it again in the next twenty-four hours.
Dave: Maybe you can clear something up for us. See, John and I are both seeing completely different versions of you. Now, John has some vision problems caused by his constant masturbation...
John: [John suddenly wakes up] Are we going toward the Mall of the Dead, or coming back from it?
Dave: We're heading there.
John: Right! Because Fred's still alive.
Fred Chu: What?
Dave: Last night you had a dream. Your mother was beating you... with a whip of knotted together dicks.
John: Uhhhh... check between the sausage and the bun. You should find a hundred dollar bill rolled up in there.
Dave: [looks between sausage and bun] There's no money in the bratwurst. It's just a piece of lettuce.
John: Do you have your ATM card?
Dave: Solving the following riddle will reveal the awful secret behind the universe, assuming you do not go utterly mad in the attempt.
Dave: Say you have an ax - just a cheap one from Home Depot.
[slow zoom in on man chopping]
Dave: On one bitter winter day, you use said ax to behead a man. Don't worry, the man's already dead. Maybe you should worry, 'cause you're the one who shot him. He'd been a big twitchy guy with veined skin stretched over swollen biceps, tattoo of a swastika on his tongue. And you're chopping off his head because even with eight bullets in him, you're pretty sure he's about to spring back to his feet and eat the look of terror right off your face.
Dave: My name is David Wong. I once saw a man's kidney grow tentacles, tear itself out of a ragged hole in his back, and go slapping across my kitchen floor. But that's another story.
Dave: I was adopted. I knew my real dad. You could be my dad for all I know. Are you my dad?
Dave: That's right, Arnie, everything you know is wrong.
Robert Marley: Do you dream, man? I interpret dreams for a beer.
Robert Marley: Time is an ocean, not a garden hose. Space is a puff of smoke, a wisp of cloud. Your mind... is a flying corn snake hovering through all the possibilities.
Dave: [into to phone] Who is this?
John: [on the phone] It's John. Can you hear me?
Dave: [whispering] I can hear you and I can see you. You're sitting right here next to me.
John: Well then, just talk to me in person then. Oh wait, do I look injured in any way?
John: Shh. I'm sorry, I gotta go. Say hello to me...
John: [across the table] Was that me?
Dave: What do you think it's like, Father?
Father Shellnut: What's what like?
Dave: Being crazy, mentally ill.
Father Shellnut: Well, they never know they're ill, do they? I mean, you can't diagnose yourself with the same organ that has the disease, just like you can't see your own eyeball. I suppose you just feel regular, and the rest of the world seems to go crazy around you.
Roger North: Do the bees know they make the honey for you, or do they work tirelessly because they think it is their own choice?
Dave: You're gonna die, Arnie. Someday you will face that moment. And at that moment you will face either complete nonexistence, or you will face something even stranger. On an actual day in the future, Arnie, you will be in the unimaginable. It is physically impossible to avoid it.
Dave: [to John on the phone] Where are you, heaven?
Dave: And then, calm. Almost Zen. That's what came next, that Soy Sauce feeling. I wanted to run, to duck, to act. But the body is a slow wet mechanism of muscle and bone that crept, even as my mind flew. And so just like that, I stepped outside of it.
Dave: So, I suppose you're wondering why I am here.
Detective Lawrence 'Morgan Freeman' Appleton: Same as everybody. You're trying to figure out what in the name of Elvis is going on.
Detective Lawrence 'Morgan Freeman' Appleton: I'm an old school Catholic. I believe in hell. I believe it's more than just murderers and rapists down there. I believe in demons and worms, and vile shit in the grease trap of the universe. And the more I think about it, the more I think that it's not just some place down there. Oh no, that it's right here with us. We just can't perceive it. It's kinda like the country music radio station. It's out there in the air, even if you don't tune into it.
Arnie Blondestone: [irate] I refuse to believe that I'm only here because I popped out of your imagina...