Ted Mosby: [Ted has just smashed his gingerbread house because Marshall said that after the pregnancy false alarm, he and Lily want a dog]
[to Marshall and Lily]
Ted Mosby: Are you kidding me? All you ever talk about is having kids, and now you have one little freakout, you want to get a dog instead? No, unacceptable! You're gonna turn around, go home, get naked, lie together as man and wife until Lily is great with child! Right now.
[couple still look at him]
Ted Mosby: I'M SERIOUS, GO GO GO!
Robin Scherbatsky: [after seeing the two leave, murmuring to Robin] Marshall and Lily got in trouble...
Ted Mosby: And YOU! Barney, you look real stupid in that suit. You're gonna get your money back and give it to charity - and I don't mean that stripper you keep emailing us about even though we begged you to take us off that list.
Barney Stinson: I can't give this suit back. Ted, I glow in the dark. I finally glow in the dark!
Ted Mosby: [shouts] Criminals of New York, attention! This man is wearing a diamond-covered suit, you could retire on the pants alone. Merry Christmas!
[Barney runs away and Ted confronts Robin]
Robin Scherbatsky: So if I get a large popcorn, would you go split-ski...
Ted Mosby: [Interupting] And you, you did not move into the greatest city on Earth to become a coin-flipping bimbo.
[takes out coin]
Ted Mosby: So, here's how it goes - Heads, you take the job at Worldwide News. Tails, you take the job at Worldwide News.
[flips coin into Robin's face]
Ted Mosby: Hey, looks like somebody got a new gig!
Ted Mosby: You better check yourself before you Trebek yourself.
Barney Stinson: Hi there, we've had a lot of fun tonight but on a more serious note this is the time of year that we remember the importance of giving and there's no greater gift than the gift of booty. So this holiday season, why not bang someone in need? I'm Barney Stinson and that's
Barney Stinson: one to grow on.
Noelle: Erm no.
Barney Stinson: I'm thinking about giving some of my money to charity.
Sam Gibbs: Is that the name of the stripper you're emailing me about? You gotta take me off the list, Barney.
Barney Stinson: No I don't mean that Charity. That Charity is doing Peachy. You'll see pics of the two of them in next week's e-mail. What up?
[poses for a high-five]
Sam Gibbs: Barney, I'm a minister. Unsubscribe.
Barney Stinson: I am Mr. Charity. I frequently sleep with sixes, chubsters, over thirty's. I am the Bill and Melinda Gates of the sympathy bang.
Marshall Eriksen: [about the home pregnancy test] Are you sure you did it right?
Lily Aldrin: Is there a wrong way to pee on a stick?
Ted Mosby: Robin have you forgotten your new year's resolution?
Robin Scherbatsky: I am never going to drink again...
Ted Mosby: No before that.
Robin Scherbatsky: I am going to finish this entire bottle tonight.
Ted Mosby: No before that.
Robin Scherbatsky: The first Currency rotation Specialist went on to be a semifinalist on The Bachelor and then she lost like a hundred pounds on The Biggest Loser and now she's totally winning Celebrity Rehab.
Narrator: When your friends have great news you're happy for them, for like a millisecond and then you start thinking about yourself.
Lily Aldrin: I'm pregnant.
Barney Stinson: I've never seen that woman before in my life! Sorry force of habit, congratulations!
Barney Stinson: A Yuletide riddle. What is my second favorite word that begins with B-O-N?
Ted Mosby: Bon Jovi?
Barney Stinson: What is my third favorite that begins with B-O-N? Buzzer... BONUS!
Barney Stinson: I'm taking the rest of my bonus to God's strip club.
Robin Scherbatsky: You know, that was pretty cool, what you did. When we all needed it, you got us back on the right path.
Ted Mosby: It's what I do.
Robin Scherbatsky: Ted, if I... if I ever get married, and you're not the guy I marry...
Ted Mosby: Big mistake, but go on.
Robin Scherbatsky: I could really use someone like you. You know, in case I freak out... when I freak out. You interested?
Ted Mosby: Are you asking what I think you're asking?
Robin Scherbatsky: Ted, will you be my best man?
Ted Mosby: Scherbatsky, I'm gonna crush it.
[fist bumps Robin]