Peep Show (TV Series)
Seasonal Beatings (2010)
Robert Webb: Jeremy Usborne
Quotes
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Mark Corrigan : Where's the turkey, Jeremy?
Jeremy Usborne : What?
Mark Corrigan : The turkey. Where's the turkey?
Jeremy Usborne : I thought you were getting the turkey.
Mark Corrigan : You what?
[starts shouting]
Mark Corrigan : NO TURKEY? You fucking idiot, Jeremy! You total fucking idiot! That was YOUR job, you fucking moron! You cretin! YOU'RE A FUCKHEAD! THAT'S WHAT YOU ARE! A FUCKING SHITHEAD!
[Jeremy looks very hurt]
Jeremy Usborne : [quiet voice] It was a joke, Mark. I was joking. It was a Christmas joke.
Mark Corrigan : Oh, I see... oh.
Jeremy Usborne : Of course I've got a turkey. It's an organic turkey, I took ages researching it online. It's going to be delicious.
[he opens the fridge to reveal the turkey inside]
Mark Corrigan : [guilty] That looks like a lovely turkey. I'm sorry, I... flew off the handle a bit.
Jeremy Usborne : [still on the verge of tears] That wasn't very Christmassy.
Mark Corrigan : No, it wasn't. I apologize.
-
[During a game of Charades]
Dan Corrigan : Jez, over here. Got one for you.
[whispers in Jeremy's ear]
Dan Corrigan : Thus Spake Zarathustra.
Jeremy Usborne : Excuse me?
Dan Corrigan : It's a book by Nietzsche.
[he grins wickedly]
Jeremy Usborne : [voiceover] Oh, great. Fucking thanks, Dan. Thus? No. Spake? No. Zarathustra? Nope.
[he starts flapping his arms like a chicken]
Super Hans : Chicken Run.
Jeremy Usborne : Correct.
[he goes to sit back down]
Dan Corrigan : But...
Jeremy Usborne : [voiceover] Fuck you, Dan.
[out loud, innocently]
Jeremy Usborne : Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you said Chicken Run.
-
Mark Corrigan : Now obviously, this is a fucking disaster, but Dobby's staying. For Christmas.
Jeremy Usborne : Right. Lovely. The more, the merrier.
Mark Corrigan : Exactly. The more, the merrier, they said as another poor soul was crammed into the Black Hole of Calcutta.
-
Jeremy Usborne : Hello, Sarah. Happy Christmas.
Sarah : It could be, if you play your cards right.
Jeremy Usborne : [voiceover] Ugh, not Sarah, not again. Ding Dong Merrily on my dong, the Christmas elves are weeping.
-
Mark Corrigan : [looking at the oversized Christmas tree in their lounge, bent over and scraping the ceiling at the top] Oh, wow. So, you got it in, in the end. It's quite a specimen.
Jeremy Usborne : Mmm-hmm. Quite a specimen. I thought about trimming the top off but it felt like I was castrating Christmas, you know? Chopping Santa's bollocks off.
-
Dan Corrigan : [spills his drink] Oh, for fudge's sake!
Mark Corrigan : It's OK, Dad, the carpet's seen worse.
Sarah : You Jezzed the carpet just like you Jezzed the directions, Dad!
[she and Pam giggle. Mark looks uncomfortable]
Jeremy Usborne : Erm, Jezzed?
Pam Corrigan : We got it from Mark, didn't we, Mark?
Jeremy Usborne : Oh, right. So, uh... it's when you...
Pam Corrigan : When you get something wrong - he Jezzed it.
Dan Corrigan : Total balls-up, a real Jezzing.
Jeremy Usborne : Right. Yeah. Yeah, that is funny. Sort of a bit like being famous.
[the doorbell rings]
Jeremy Usborne : I'll go and see who that is. Let's hope I don't Jez it, or do a big Mark in my pants.
-
[Jeremy answers the door. It's Super Hans]
Super Hans : Happy Christmas, motherfucker.
Jeremy Usborne : Hans!
Super Hans : Have a guess what Santa's got in his sack.
[reaches inside his bag and takes out a bundle of marijuana]
Super Hans : Answer: a wicked big bag of sinister minister.
Jeremy Usborne : [taking it] Ah. Happy Christmas.
Mark Corrigan : Hans?
Super Hans : Merry Christmas, Mark.
Mark Corrigan : Jeremy...
Jeremy Usborne : [quietly, to Mark] I'm not going to.
Mark Corrigan : Well, don't.
Sarah : Super Hans! Merry Christmas, glass of Cava?
Super Hans : [coming in] Don't mind if I do. Mind out boys, Father Spliffmas coming through.
Mark Corrigan : [voiceover] Great. Methadone in the mulled wine.
Jeremy Usborne : What?
Mark Corrigan : It's your fault.
Jeremy Usborne : It's not my fault. I was holding the line.
Mark Corrigan : Yes, but you know him. You shouldn't know him.
Jeremy Usborne : Well, I'm sorry, but I do know him.
Mark Corrigan : [voiceover] Ugh. Merry migraine and a happy new stomach ulcer.
-
Dan Corrigan : Have these sprouts been done properly?
Jeremy Usborne : Yes.
Dan Corrigan : I can't see any little crosses in their bottoms.
Jeremy Usborne : Well, they're definitely there.
Mark Corrigan : Yep.
[voiceover]
Mark Corrigan : Definitely not! Truth and reconciliation commission after all this. Full enquiry. Savile, not Hutton.