Season 1, Episode 1: Pilot28 September 2011
Tessa and George have been on their own ever since Tessa's mom pulled a "Kramer vs. Kramer." So far George has done a pretty good job of raising Tessa without a maternal figure in their lives, but suddenly he's feeling a little out of his league, especially after he finds a pack of condoms in her room. So it's goodbye New York City and hello suburbs. At first Tessa is horrified by the big-haired, fake-boobed mothers and their sugar-free, Red Bull-chugging kids. But little by little, she and her dad begin to find a way to survive on the clean streets of the 'burbs. Sure, the neighbors might smother you with love while their kids stare daggers at your back, but underneath all that plastic and caffeine, they're really not half bad. Being in the 'burbs can be hell, but it also may just bring Tessa and George closer than they've ever been.
5 October 2011
Tessa is horrified when she finds herself unexpectedly attracted to her exact opposite, her jock suburban neighbor, and George is pressured by the town to throw the perfect barbecue.
12 October 2011
George joins the PTA and quickly becomes well-liked by the other moms, but in the process former PTA queen bee Sheila Shay starts to feel threatened. Meanwhile Tessa joins the school newspaper and helps Malik revamp it into a tabloid-style paper.
19 October 2011
Tessa is excited to see some action in the suburbs when Sheila Shay's Shirley Temple doll collection is stolen, but not so thrilled at the consequences -- Dallas and Dalia are afraid of being burglarized so they crash at the Altmans'.
Season 1, Episode 5: Halloween26 October 2011
Tessa channels her inner "suburban girl" for a Halloween costume, but it ends up spooking her friends and everyone at school since she reminds them of a recently "departed" resident of Chatswin. And George is determined to prove to Halloween-hater Dallas that being scared can be fun, but gets a scare of his own when Steven Royce, Dallas' husband, finally comes home from one of his many business trips.
2 November 2011
Irritated by all the cafeteria waste at school, Tessa motivates the student body to get involved with giving back. Unfortunately their charity of choice involves helping residents of Florida improve their complexions. When Tessa introduces a homeless transsexual to the student body as part of a lesson, they decide that Tessa is really the person in need. Meanwhile George receives a large dental bill from Noah, which puts a strain on their relationship.
16 November 2011
Dallas convinces Tessa to let Dalia plan the ultimate birthday bash for Tessa at the country club. Plus, when George throws his back out, Sheila Shay (ANA GASTEYER) cares for him.
23 November 2011
On a trip to the city, Dallas and Tessa see George making out with a woman while he is supposed to be "working." Tessa confronts George during Thanksgiving dinner at the Royces.
7 December 2011
When Tessa overhears George break up with his girlfriend, Zoe, on Skype, she blames herself for his failed relationship and decides that she's going to get them back together. Unbeknownst to her, though, George is really enamored with Tessa's cute art teacher, Aimee. He admits to Mr. Wolfe that he's over dating crazy city women, and that he's looking for love in the burbs. George decides to embrace the holiday spirit with a tree trimming party complete with ex-girlfriend, potential new girlfriend and the Royces, and he soon finds himself under the mistletoe with a special someone.
4 January 2012
When Tessa gets her driver's license, Dalia hires her to drive her around to stalk her crush, Scott Strauss. As a result Tessa realizes that she and Scott might have feelings for each other. Meanwhile George and Noah's relationship is put to the test when George decides he wants to join the local country club.
11 January 2012
When Tessa is asked to show new guy Josh Sherman around school, she becomes convinced that he's gay, when in fact he's an undercover narcotics officer. Lisa becomes deeply infatuated with Josh, and Tessa inadvertly convinces Mr. Wolfe to make special announcement to the student body. Meanwhile George re-evaluates his relationship with Dallas.
18 January 2012
After winning a weekend trip to Atlantic City in a raffle, George takes Noah, Fred, Alex, and Tom for a "guy's night out". Once there, Fred has to face his gambling addiction, and George runs into Dallas' husband. Meanwhile, Tessa uses the time home alone to get to know Scott Strauss better.
8 February 2012
George finds it difficult to talk to Tessa about sex after he finds a box of condoms in her room, so he seeks advice from her peers. While sending out the laundry, Dallas makes a discovery that leads to a life change.
Season 1, Episode 14: The Body15 February 2012
When Tessa realizes that she's failing gym class, she decides to run for student body president in hopes of changing Chatswin High's obsession with sports. During the election, Lisa steps in as Tessa's campaign manager against Kenzie and Kaitlyn. Meanwhile, Ryan is injured during a wrestling match and finds himself mourned by his family, and George takes Ryan under his wing and introduces him to people who have moved forward from setbacks.
22 February 2012
When Jill turns to the newly single Dallas for inspiration and support, her marriage to Noah goes on the rocks. Meanwhile Dallas begins spending a lot of time with her hot younger boyfriend, Yoni, which causes tension with George, and Dalia befriends Lisa to get back at Tessa for dating Scott Strauss -- so Tessa decides to take action and recruits Kimantha to make Dalia jealous.
29 February 2012
When Fred and Sheila strike up a croquet match with Dallas and George, Fred misreads Sheila's interest in George. Fred tells George that Sheila is fantasizing about him and asks him to seduce her. Meanwhile Tessa desperately wants to impress the new poetry teacher, Ms. Evans, but she seems to prefer Dalia's prose.
14 March 2012
When George picks Tessa up late from school she decides to get a job working for Dallas in order to buy her own wheels. Meanwhile Dallas invites her sorority sisters to stay with her in order to celebrate the opening of her store, A Crystal Cup of Crystals; however her rival sorority sister, Tulsa, decides to crash the party.
Season 1, Episode 18: Down Time11 April 2012
Dalia makes a breakthrough in therapy with her psychiatrist (guest star JAMES LIPTON - Inside the Actors Studio) and Lisa and Malik (MAESTRO HARRELL) try to set up Tessa.
18 April 2012
George meets a woman at the Chatswin Farmer's Market named Eden (recurring guest star ALICIA SILVERSTONE) and is immediately attracted to her and her healthy eating habits.
2 May 2012
As George and Eden's (recurring guest star ALICIA SILVERSTONE) relationship gets serious, he decides to introduce her to Tessa.
9 May 2012
Tessa adjusts to having Eden (ALICIA SILVERSTONE) living with them and George has difficulty with Eden's parenting. Malik (MAESTRO HARRELL) and Lisa debate which camp to attend.
16 May 2012
In the season finale, George and Eden (ALICIA SILVERSTONE) attend the Lerners' baby shower and Fred (CHRIS PARNELL) surprises Sheila with a performance by JAMES INGRAM.
Season 2, Episode 1: Homecoming17 October 2012
In the season premiere, Tessa returns to Chatswin after spending the summer in New York City with her grandmother, and George feels threatened by Tessa's interest in her mom.
24 October 2012
Tessa becomes the interest of the infamous East Chatswin witch (RACHEL DRATCH - Saturday Night Live) in this Halloween-themed episode. George and Noah dress up as each other.
31 October 2012
When Lisa agrees to help Ryan (PARKER YOUNG) pursue Tessa, her generosity has Ryan believing that he must be dying of "Ryan disease." George and Dallas go on their first date.
7 November 2012
George and Dallas take their relationship to the next level, and Kimantha (ABBIE COBB), Kaitlyn (KATELYN PACITTO) and Kenzie (KARA PACITTO) seek guidance from Tessa and Lisa.
14 November 2012
Dallas tasks George with hosting Thanksgiving dinner while Tessa goes to New York City to spend the day with her birth mom, Alex (MALIN AKERMAN). Tessa returns home to a surprise.
28 November 2012
George gets a visit from some friends from New York, who make fun of his new life. Tessa and Lisa bond over eating smoked fish, but Tessa ends up in the hospital.
Season 2, Episode 7: Krampus5 December 2012
Tessa goes to New York for a Christmas excursion with her mom (MALIN AKERMAN), and soon learns to be careful what you wish for. Ryan (PARKER YOUNG) finds out that he was adopted.
Season 2, Episode 8: Black Thai9 January 2013
An argument begins after Tessa and Dalia get their PSAT scores and the only way to settle it is with an old-fashioned hip hop dance-off. TIM MEADOWS guest stars.
16 January 2013
When Tessa has her wisdom teeth removed, George struggles to manage her recovery and their neighbor Fred Shay, who has taken up residence in their basement. Dallas feels insecure.
23 January 2013
George convinces Noah and Fred to start a "dad band" as a way to escape their significant others. Tessa discovers what it means to be the girlfriend of a football player.
30 January 2013
When Yakult becomes depressed, Dallas invites Yoni (recurring guest star WILMER VALDERRAMA) back into their lives to help remove the negative energy. Tessa and Lisa double date.
Season 2, Episode 12: Body Talk6 February 2013
After realizing part of her property is located in East Chatswin, Dallas' life is thrown into a tailspin after she's kicked out of the country club and Dalia must change schools.
13 February 2013
On Valentine's Day, Dallas has a bad reaction to a cosmetic procedure, and George has to enjoy an 18-course meal from renowned Chef Julio (MICHAEL VOLTAGGIO - Top Chef) by himself.
20 February 2013
When Tessa becomes a relationship expert, she gives advice to everyone - even people who don't ask for it. George helps Dallas coach a T-ball team.
27 February 2013
When Marty (JACK WALSH) passes away, George and Noah have to figure out what to do with his ashes. Meanwhile, Tessa learns that Ryan (PARKER YOUNG) hasn't been honest with her.
6 March 2013
Dalia convinces Mr. Wolfe to try a new look to get over his breakup with Chef Alan (EVAN ARNOLD). Noah is convinced Carmen (BUNNY RIVERA) is the love of his life.
20 March 2013
Feeling as if she'll never compare to Geroge's ex, Dallas seeks solace in carbs and Jill Werner (GILLIAN VIGMAN). Tessa believes that she has lost her youthful vigor.
27 March 2013
Noah and baby Opus are living it up at George's, Dalia comes to terms with her hoarding and Fred takes lessons from Tessa on how to be hip.
3 April 2013
When George agrees to participate in the "Dads of Chatswin" calendar, he becomes obsessed with his body image, alienating Dallas. Dalia buddies up to Tessa, and Lisa finds out why.
10 April 2013
George asks Dallas to move in with him in the most unromantic way and Tessa helps Ryan (PARKER YOUNG) pick a college.
17 April 2013
In the first part of the one-hour season finale, relationships are tested when George sells the house, buys Dallas her dream home and Tessa moves out.
Season 2, Episode 22: Stray Dogs17 April 2013
In the second part of the one-hour season finale, relationships are tested when George sells the house, buys Dallas her dream home and Tessa moves out.
15 January 2014
In the third season premiere, after Tessa's mom disappears, George tries to rebuild his relationship with Tessa and he introduces her to his new dog. When Sheila Shay discovers that there's a dog on the loose in Chatswin, she dedicates herself to tracking this canine fiend and it is up to Tessa and George to protect the dog. Meanwhile, Dalia shuns Dallas after breaking up with "Daddy Altman." Recurring guest star NATASHA LEGGERO (He's Just Not That Into You, Burning Love) appears as Nora. Recurring guest star BUNNIE RIVERA (Ray Donovan) appears as Carmen.
Season 3, Episode 2: Victor Ha22 January 2014
When empty-nest syndrome hits the Shay household, Sheila and Fred take in a foster kid named Victor (recurring guest star BRYSON BARRETTO - The Incredible Burt Wonderstone), who they believe to be a mini Ryan. Jealous of the new Ryan, Lisa decides to make Victor's life difficult and reveal him as a con. Meanwhile, Tessa puts the breaks on George's friendship with Dalia. Recurring guest star MAESTRO HARRELL appears as Malik and guest star JACKIE COLLINS appears as herself.
29 January 2014
Tessa becomes concerned when George lets himself go after his breakup with Dallas and calls on George's dad (guest star GEOFF PIERSON - Dexter, Boardwalk Empire) to help him move on, but his father's advice and blatant attempts rub George the wrong way. Meanwhile, Tessa discovers that Ryan (recurring guest star PARKER YOUNG) is coming home to visit and that he's bringing his new girlfriend. Recurring guest stars also include NATASHA LEGGERO as Nora, BRYSON BARRETTO as Victor Ha and LINDSEY SHAW (Pretty Little Liars) as June.
5 February 2014
When Dallas sees George at the dog park, she recruits Dalia to negotiate her territory in Chatswin, while Tessa has to represent George's interests. Tessa notices that Lisa is spending a lot of time with Ryan's (recurring guest star PARKER YOUNG) girlfriend, June (recurring guest star LINDSEY SHAW), and Fred is worried that Sheila is distancing herself. Recurring guest stars NATASHA LEGGERO and BRYSON BARRETTO also appear.
26 February 2014
When Noah (recurring guest star ALAN TUDYK) is released from a court-mandated anger management program, George is shocked to find a docile Noah has replaced his former hot-headed friend. Shaken by the change, George decides to put the new Noah to the test. Meanwhile, Tessa ditches "senior tanning" and meets a cool new-age band hanging out at the park; but the free-spirited music group isn't exactly what they appear. Guest star MAE WHITMAN (Parenthood) appears as Caris.
5 March 2014
When George becomes enamored with Chatswin's latest hotspot - a juice bar - Tessa reminds him of their pact to not get sucked into Chatswin culture. This inspires George and Fred to take a trip to New York, which doesn't turn out the way George had planned. Meanwhile, Tessa is pressured into attending Evan's (recurring guest star SAM LERNER) birthday party and reveals what she really thinks of him. Recurring guest star MAESTRO HARRELL appears as Malik.
12 March 2014
When Tessa drags Malik (recurring guest star MAESTRO HARRELL) and Lisa to a college party, she meets a male version of herself and becomes enamored. They see eye to eye on everything and it's almost the perfect relationship. Meanwhile, Dallas enlists a matchmaker to set her and Dalia up, but the matchmaker convinces Dallas to date herself and she decides to get back to basics with a new look. ANDREW J. GUEST (Greek) guest stars as Mark.
26 March 2014
When Lisa decides to propose to Malik (recurring guest star MAESTRO HARRELL), Tessa isn't sure how to support her friend and turns to George for advice. After Lisa's proposal doesn't go as planned, Tessa steps up and is inspired to fight for Ryan (recurring guest star PARKER YOUNG). Meanwhile, George believes his girlfriend, Nora (recurring guest star NATASHA LEGGERO), might be rude to her employees.
2 April 2014
When Dallas's mother passes away, she recruits Tessa to take a trip to the South with her to attend the funeral. During the trip, Dallas confronts her rivalry with her sister and her feelings toward her mother. Meanwhile, George, Noah (recurring guest star ALAN TUDYK) and Fred go on a group date that results in a stalker for Fred. Guest stars include JULIA DUFFY (Shameless, Newhart) as Emmaline, JENN LYON (Justified) as Georgia and Amanda Schull (Pretty Little Liars, One Tree Hill, Suits) as Linda. Recurring guest stars PARKER YOUNG and BRYSON BARRETTO also appear as Ryan and Victor, respectively.
23 April 2014
Tessa decides to mentor a young social outcast in the Miss Chatswin pageant to make a statement; Victor goes missing while on a camping trip with George, Noah and Fred.
30 April 2014
When Dalia is rejected from the only college she applied to, Dallas is determined to help her daughter find her calling; George and Tessa go on a double date.
7 May 2014
Tessa struggles with the budget while planning Lisa and Malik's wedding; Sheila gives Lisa advice.
14 May 2014
Lisa and Malik learn some of the difficulties of marriage. While George and Dallas are still caught up thinking about their "night" together. Tessa continues to think about Ryan.
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