Ted is telling Barney about his plans for the new Goliath National Bank headquarters. He's sightly tweaked Barney's idea for a rooftop ring of fire he can drive a motorcycle through and made it into a patio garden where you can enjoy a nice lunch.
"Sick," Barney says happily. "Working together is going to be legen ... wait for it ..."
Barney finally finished with, "I'll send you an inter-office memo with the rest 'cause we friggin' work together!"
Ted is just as excited until Barney tells him the board has settled on a site for the building: The Arcadian Hotel, which was an architectural jewel in its time, but has deteriorated into a hangout for cross-dressing prostitutes.
Ted tells Barney -- after receiving an urgent memo that just reads, "...dary" -- that he can't design the building.
Marshall is getting ready to get down to business with Lily in their bedroom when he starts slipping on his version of "business socks": slipper socks with rubber soles. Lily says that when she sees those socks she feels "the egg" go right back up. Marshall tells her, "With these satin sheets, Papa needs some traction." He continues to say, "As you know, Papa likes to get down with enthusiasm ..." Lily correctly asks him to stop calling himself Papa.
She then tells Marshall that Robin and Max hooked up the night before. Marshall likes Max, his old friend from law school, saying that's "both his name and his level of awesomeness." Lily casually mentions that Max has a small penis, which freaks Marshall out. He fears he won't be able to look Max in the eye -- and he "certainly not going to be able to call him Max."
Barney is upset that Ted doesn't want to tear down The Arcadian. He asks how GNB is going to get people to want to move out of the building and Barney mutters, "Snakes," then quickly claims he said nothing. Barney gives Ted advice in four words: "New is always better."
Ted tests Barney's position by asking him if the three new "Star Wars" movies are better than the old ones. "Yeah," Barney says. "The first three barely mention the intricacies of inter-galactic trade law."
Ted then asks if, when Barney is at a Guns 'n' Roses concert, he'd rather hear "Chinese Democracy" instead of "Paradise City."
"Axl has really matured as a songwriter, Ted," Barney says.
He then asks the waitress about the bar's oldest Scotch. She says it's a 30-year-aged classic. The newest one is "Jumbo Jim's Grape Scotch," to which she adds, "Don't let it touch your skin." Barney orders Jumbo Jim's, with lots of ice. He reiterates that new is always better, "just like bigger is always better," just as Marshall and Lily get to the table. Marshall defends the notion of "smaller."
"Hey, look how big my cell phone is," Marshall says, adding, "You don't hear people say that."
Robin knows Lily told Marshall, then shares with everyone that Max has a small penis. Ted and Barney are shocked, and Barney is outraged that they would talk of such things. Lily reminds him that his first question about any woman is, "Boobs?"
Barney tries to pretend the conversation never happened, but Marshall says, "It's impossible. Max's penis is stuck in my brain like a splinter. Like a splinter-sized splinter!"
Barney then directs the conversation toward Ted's refusal to tear down The Arcadian. Then everyone asks, "Who's the girl?"
Ted stammers a bit, then says, "Zoey." We cut to Ted gazing at the building when a woman shows up and starts pointing out architectural features of the building.
"She's an architecture nerd!" Ted exclaims.
She also can't wait to get old, just like Ted. Then she asks him to sign a petition asking "the bastards at Goliath National Bank from demolishing" the building.
Ted said ... "Where do I sign?"
Barney asks Ted what Zoey thought when he told her that he, himself, is "the architect of destruction." (Marshall noted this was an awesome wrestling name). Ted actually told Zoey he's a veterinarian. Barney says it's "Classic Mosby -- changing your personality to please some girl." (Included in a flashback of examples is a night when Ted begrudging dressed as a wizard, saying, "She's really hot." Barney snaps a photo).
Ted says everyone does this when they get into a new relationship. Then he asks Barney if GNB actually put snakes in the building. "I think they were eggs," Barney says, before quickly taking that back.
On a double date with Max and Robin, Marshall can't get the words "small penis" out of his head. When Max says his law firm is a "small practice," Marshall says, "I'm sure it's not that small."
"Everything about it is tiny," Max continues. "The office is tiny, the conference room is tiny, plus, it's got a very small staff." Robin suggests they order dinner.
Ted is preparing to tell Zoey the truth when she shows up with a van full of bunnies she rescued from a makeup testing facility. He says he has to go get his vet supplies.
Back at dinner, Marshall offers to pay for dinner and dessert because, he tells Max, "I just want you to be happy." Max gets up to go to the restroom and Marshall gives him a hug. Once he's gone, Marshall clarifies that men's locker room talk isn't what people think. It's mostly just uncomfortable guys trying to get out of there as quickly as possible -- and one old guy who lingers. Marshall goes on to say he's glad he's not dating anymore because if Lily talked about their sex life he'd probably kill himself. Robin and Lily glance at each other and go silent, and Robin gazes up at the ceiling.
"Oh no," Marshall says. Lily tries to assure him they don't talk about him.
"Yeah," Robin says. "That argument has no traction whatsoever."
Back at the van, Zoey tells Ted she's not worried about being arrested because she's been arrested lots of times -- one of which was for setting a car on fire after a Guns 'n' Roses concert. "Pffft, 'Chinese Democracy,'" she says.
She tries to say she only gets arrested for good causes, and she's not going to sit by when GNB turns the Arcadian into a "soulless metal box." Ted says he's heard there's a lovely rooftop patio where folks can enjoy a nice boxed lunch. She vows to take down whoever is behind the plan.
Ted asks Barney if they can find a new site for the building. When Barney says they can't, Ted says he's off the project. He next shows up at Zoey's protest outside the Arcadian. As he tells her he wants to join the fight a sign is placed over the front of the building, touting GNB's new headquarters "Coming Soon from Architectural Wizard Ted Mosby!" It has the picture of Ted dressed as a wizard. Zoey sees the sign and leaves.
Barney is waiting for Ted in his apartment, stroking a rabbit and sitting in Ted's leather chair. Ted tells Barney he's still quitting the project and Barney says the old building, which is snake-infested, is being torn down either way.
"Are there or aren't there snakes?" Ted shouts.
"Who said anything about snakes?!" Barney replies, telling Ted to be quiet because he'll scare "Cottontail." (It took Ted longer to get home than Barney expected, "we bonded, I'm keeping him.") Barney tells Ted he can do whatever he wants with the building. Ted goes to work on new plans that he says will solve all his problems.
That night, Marshall and Lily are getting intimate when Marshall is distracted by the thought of Robin and Lily watching them, drinking cosmos and giving a play-by-play critique of what he's doing.
"I can't stop thinking about you and Robin," he tells Lily.
"I've had that a couple of times," Lily says. "Just lean into it and let it fuel things!"
Marshall gets up and tells Lily to call Robin and have a good laugh about it.
Ted goes to Zoey's next protest and shows her his plans to incorporate the facade of the Arcadian into the new GNB headquarters. She looks at the plans and unintentionally reveals a wedding ring. Ted asks if she's married and she says yes.
Ted recalls when he said it wasn't "about the girl, it's about the building."
Old Ted says, "Yeah, it was about the girl." Ted crumples up the plans and puts them in the trash. He tells Zoey the Arcadian was a great building once, "but it's falling apart and it's full of snakes."
"Snakes?!" she asks.
"I don't recall saying snakes," Ted says.
Lily is on the phone, telling Robin about Marshall's freakout when she adds that Marshall then returned to bed, jumped on top of her and "it was amazing." Robin realizes that Marshall is sitting there feeding lines to Lily.
Ted sat at his apartment wondering if he'd ever see Zoey again. Then she and a whole group of protesters threw eggs at his window.
Later, in the locker room, Max tells Marshall, Ted and Barney that he might have to break up with Robin because of a weird thing she likes to do in bed. Ted and Barney nod, knowingly, and Ted says, "Yeah, that's not for everyone."
Marshall asks what it is, and Max says, "C'mon, bro. This is a locker room."