- Dr. Herb Melnick: So, Chris, what are you up to these days?
- Chris Makelroy: Not a lot. After Lyndsey threw me out, I lost my job, started drinking heavily and I just found out I have a lump on my groin.
- Dr. Herb Melnick: Bad place for a lump.
- Charlie Harper: Tell me a good place.
- Dr. Herb Melnick: Somebody else's groin.
- Charlie Harper: You'd really be willing to risk your marriage over a cute, young babysitter?
- Dr. Herb Melnick: I certainly wouldn't risk it over a fat, ugly one.
- Charlie Harper: Can't argue with that.
- Charlie Harper: You guys are no fun. I'm gonna call a hooker!
- Lyndsey Mackelroy: Charlie, there's two young boys in the house!
- Charlie Harper: Let them get their own hookers!
- Charlie Harper: [Inspecting the charred remains of Lyndsey and Alan's house] Honestly, I don't see why you can't live here!
- Alan Harper: You're kidding right? There's no roof!
- Charlie Harper: Wear a hat!