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|Index||29 reviews in total|
I was misguided by the fake reviews in IMDb: see that all the good
reviews belong to persons with only one review promoting this garbage.
The plot is ridiculous, absurd, unrealistic and absolutely unbelievable. A crew of watermen abducts persons in boats to grind their flesh and make bait for fishes and crabs. Six youngsters have their motor yacht sabotaged and they are stranded in the sea. The crew of a trawler rescues them and they drink spiked water and faint. When they wake up, they learn that they are trapped in an island and they have to fight against the sadistic men to survive.
A yacht that does not have batteries to support GPS and other safety systems; a guy that sabotages the boat, steals the supplies, water and flares in a couple of minutes; the watermen are practically indestructible; Mike insists in returning many times, inclusive when he is escaping in a small boat and Bret is wounded and he wants to return to seek medical supply. A question: what happened with the boat and Captain Ray? In the end, what else could I expect from a movie where Jason Mewes is the lead actor? My vote is three.
Title (Brazil): "Maré de Sangue" ("Tide of Blood")
I have a chance last Saturday to watch it and man i regret it big time..being slasher freak i like these kind of movies even if they have low ratings but this was something beyond bearable...The thing which annoys you most is the main leads acting.They uttering dialogs without even a little bit of expression and soon you will realize that you are watching a teen comedy rather then a horror movie.I think the makers of this after watching turisates,ferryman and storm warning,mix them and end result is this film.If you want to spoil your Saturday night then this is a treat for you and if you don't then stay away form this.One word..HORRIBLE.
Having seen the trailer for this film, I thought it looked quite promising, I was pulled in by the fact that Jason Mewes was in it and am a fan of the Jay and Silent Bob films. What a disappointment throughout, hammy acting and a poorly thought out story line make for a long drawn out waste of an hour and a half. Jason Mewes tries his best to revive the Jay character that he is famous for, but fails dismally. It is almost embarrassing to watch as he does it. I wouldn't even recommend this film as a last resort, pure drivel! The only thing I found mildly enjoying was finding the story flaws, of which there are many.
*** This review may contain spoilers ***
Watermen is an uninteresting, uninspired slasher with barebones budget,
below par acting and boring direction;
A group of young guys'n'dolls are out and about in a boat, they get a breakdown, and the boat who rescues them is full of cannibals out of a poor copy of Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
The Watermen lines up - quality wise - with the better "film school" efforts, and for truly dedicated horror fans, there is some interesting material, but for the general (yet still horror-friendly) public there will be little of interest; instead, watch Triangle(2009), or the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre(1974), or any other generic horror, you'll do better.
final vote: 5/10 (not "so bad that it hurts your brain")
If you're going to make a low budget slasher (as this is supposed to
be) then it has to have an adequate amount of nudity and gore and this
had neither. The nudity was nothing more than a few brief topless
scenes and the gore was very mild. There is no point complaining about
the acting as you don't expect much from a low budget 'horror' but this
also was very wooden from beginning to end.
I can't think of a single redeeming feature that would make the movie worthwhile watching. All they really had to do was to make the violence more extreme, shorten the filler scenes by half and possibly throw in some good titillation and it could have been watched on fast forward.
Avoid the movie unless you're very easily shocked or have been watching grass grow for the past ten years.
*** This review may contain spoilers ***
You've probably realized by now that the excellent viewer reviews are
fake. Its just advertising. Movie trailers with words. Something like
that. Don't buy into it. The movie is awful. Apparently this is Matt
Lockhard's first venture into movie making. Honestly, Matt, if it were
up to me this would your last one as well.
The Watermen is supposed to be a low budget, lots of blood and guts slasher movie. There is no need for brilliant acting and a potentially Oscar-winning screenplay. Just keep it simple. SIMPLE, not retarded. The setup: 3 guys and 3 girls go on a fishing trip, their boat breaks down and they get stranded in the middle of the ocean only to be rescued by some fishermen who intend to cut them up and use their meat as fish and crab bait. Apparently the fish and crab just love human flesh. Like I wrote, low budget slasher. No need for a realistic plot. Even with that crazy premise you still could have pulled it off. But you didn't. I'm writing this as a warning to other horror nuts like me. Its not worth it. I actually feel like I've been insulted. Mr.Lockhard seems to think that some gratuitous nudity and fake blood is going to satisfy an average horror fan. In short, he seems to think horror fans are dumb. The plot, acting, dialogue, characters are all big contributors to the overall awfulness of the movie, but the execution is the real issue here. The movie is only an hour and a half long but it seems like its longer than The Titanic. At least a third of it are long, drawn out shots of people running away, people chasing the runaways, girls showering, the guys watching the girls showering,....I was fast-forwarding a lot because I didn't want to watch a girl run by the same tree for the third or fourth time. And that was despite the fact that one of her breasts was out on full display and I'm basically your average horny straight guy. I don't really know what to write about the bad guys of the movie, you know, the sadistic fishermen. The phrase "worst of the worst" comes to mind. And yes, the worst part of this awful movie are the bad guys. All I can remember are those yellow plastic pants and boots that fishermen wear moving around on the screen and all the while someone was muttering insanities like "I'm gonna git you" with a heavy southern accent in the background. I couldn't understand/hear half the things that were being said but that was fine with me because the things I did hear made me shake my head in disbelief. Even Richard Riehle, a veteran among actors, was awful in his role. There is no excuse for making such a mess of a movie. Being a rookie director doesn't cut it. It should have been simple, instead its in full on retard mode. Skip it. Unless you want a headache.
While it's always weird saying that you enjoy a movie with torture in
it (it's only a movie I know), this one easily can be called a torture
itself. There are almost no redeeming factors at all. Even if you are a
Jason Mewes fan, you will wish he goes back to Kevin Smith (or vice
versa) and they start making movies together again. Let's just say his
output alone has not really got me excited.
But it would be unfair to put this all on his shoulders. He is trying, though even he can't help but burst out sentences that not only make no sense, but are completely insane. Some nudity and some good (not that many though) blood effects will not cover the mess up that this movie leaves behind. And I don't think the end will surprise. It shouldn't
*** This review may contain spoilers ***
Wow, this movie is really as bad as everyone says. In the laziest plot
in the world a group of attractive young adults go on a boating trip
and when the boat breaks down they get kidnapped by a bunch of redneck
fishermen/pirates/whatever. Sound predictable so far? Well the cliché's
don't stop there so you can probably guess what happens in the rest of
the movie without me having to go into too much explanation.
The most horrific thing about this movie though is the blatant misogynistic tone throughout. I know the horror genre has always had a reputation for being slightly sexist, but this movie is just unbelievable. The male protagonists spend most of their time wandering around in circles before jumping in to save the day. All the while the females get attacked, tortured, molested and raped by the bad guys. Even when guarded with weapons the three women can't take on one man because all he has to do is walk towards them and they'll simply stand there and cry. This is despite the fact that they obviously have extremely high pain thresh holds because straight after getting raped they can just run around like normal.
As for the bad guys themselves, well you'll find scarier characters in an episode of Eastenders. We're supposed to believe that six young athletic adults would struggle to get away from these idiots when a herd of donkeys should be able to outsmart them with ease. The basically just look like a bunch of homeless guys in raincoats. Don't ask me where they're supposed to be from because I'm none the wiser after watching it. In some scenes they just use the stereotypical American hillbilly accent, in others they use god knows what accent and speak in broken English. Half the movie they don't seem to speak in English at all! The acting, although not great, is nowhere near as bad as you'd expect. I've seen a LOT worse in other horror movies that probably had a bigger budget than this. I was surprised to see Jason Mewes star in this. I know he's not exactly A list these days but didn't think his career had gotten this bad just yet. After seeing the whole movie though and realising what a small part he plays, it's obvious he must have been paid a significant amount to do very little and get a top billing.
Any good points? Well one of the actors has a smokin body and spends most of the third act with his shirt off. Apart from that....NOPE!
THE WATERMEN is one of the most terrible of slasher films: one of those
films that's completely fake from beginning to end. The awful script
was written by somebody with a tin ear who just has no feel for proper,
realistic dialogue; what we get instead are insults traded between a
group of jerks, the kind of characters who can't die quickly enough.
The storyline is predictable in the extreme and not dissimilar to the similar Icelandic flick, HARPOON. A group of annoying youths take a boat out into the water, only to find themselves subjected to sabotage. They're subsequently rescued by the crew of a fishing boat who turn out to have less than charitable intentions.
The appalling Jason Mewes unfortunately plays the horrid leading character, who gets way too much screen time. He's surrounded by fat, ageing guys playing the villains and various silicon-enhanced bimbos (who spend their entire time parading around in and out of bikinis) as his associates. The gore, when it comes, is entirely lacking and the film as a whole stinks to high heaven. You have been warned.
Um, like in every slasher movie since the 1970s Texas Chainsaw
Massacre? Before I watched The Watermen, I read some pretty terrible
reviews on it (and then watched it anyway). Okay, it's no masterpiece,
but its overall flaw is its lack of originality. It's about a group of
teenagers who go on a boat and get picked off by a gang of mumbling
nasty fishermen on another boat who want to turn them into fishfood.
Basically, it's Texas Chainsaw on water.
It's very low budget. Therefore don't expect too much gore and any nudity is pretty fleeting.
After watching the film I couldn't really think of anything that bad about it, apart from I've seen it all before - not just once, but dozens of times. It's basically a carbon copy of every slasher film that's gone before it.
Bottom line: there's nothing wrong with Watermen, but there's nothing original enough to make it right.
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