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Bernie (2011) Poster

(2011)

Quotes

Townsperson: They're making it out worse than it really is. He only shot her four times, not five.

Townsperson: Well, I know the Bible says Jesus turned water into wine, but it didn't say liquor store wine. It had to have been non-alcoholic wine, because it didn't have time to ferment.

Townsperson: Well, Bernie was so nice, so accommodating, so willing to keep from hurting other people's feelings, he just couldn't tell anybody to piss off.

Scrappy Holmes: So why did you leave the body there? It would seem to me that if you didn't want to get caught, you'd find some way to dispose of it.

Bernie Tiede: Oh, no, no. No, I could never do that. That was never my intention. Everyone deserves a proper burial. And I was... I was just waiting for my chance to give her one.

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Danny Buck: Ladies and gentlemen, after listening to all the evidence, I'm sure that you will agree that the defendant is a liar, a coward, and a backshooter. Now, come on. That's got to be about the lowest thing a man could ever do, ain't it? Shoot a little old lady in the back? Four times. There is no doubt in my mind that Bernie Tiede is a calculating, evil actor. He fooled a whole town for nine months. Now if he can do that, there ain't no telling what he'll do if you let him back on the streets. That poor woman stayed frozen stiff for nine whole months. In a freezer. It took two days to thaw her out. Just so they could perform a proper autopsy.

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Scrappy Holmes: Your honor, counsel, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, all Danny Buck Davidson wants to do in this trial is get you to believe that Bernie is some kind of monster. That he is something other than a fellow human being. Look at him, ladies and gentlemen. There is not one hint of premeditation in this case. If there was, he'd have done it a lot differently. He mighta gotten away with it. Did he try to poison her slowly? No. Did he burn down the house? Say it was an accidental fire? No. He still knew he'd done wrong. He knew he was gonna get found out. He just did not have the courage to tell on himself. But like a good funeral director, he preserved the body so that she could have a proper burial. And in the meantime he did a lot of good for a lot of people. Till he finally got caught. He just doesn't sound like any kind of monster I've ever heard of.

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[first lines]

Professor Fleming: I'm very honored to introduce our guest lecturer today. He graduated from here about 15 years ago. He's gone on to a fabulous career. I can't think of a single person who's more qualified or more adept at the final procedures you've been studying lately. Now you've learned the science. Now's your chance to learn the art. Students, Mr. Bernie Tiede...

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Bernie Tiede: [cosmetizing the corpse] We must always be on guard for the mischievous lip drift. Even the slightest hint of teeth can be disastrous. You cannot have grief tragically becoming a comedy.

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Townsperson: In a small town, people will always suspect the worst of someone. But they'll also suspect the best.

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Townsperson: In a small town, people will always suspect the worst of someone. But they'll also suspect the best.

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