Peter Griffin: The end. And that's the final chapter in the Star Wars saga.
Meg Griffin: What about the prequels?
Peter Griffin: I think the Cleveland Show is gonna do those.
Title Crawl: A long time ago, after "M*A*S*H", but before After "M*A*S*H"...
Title Crawl: Luke Skywalker has returned to his home planet of Tatooine in order to - okay, you know what, we don't care. We were thinking of not even doing this one.Fox made us do it. When we did "Blue Harvest", they said, "Oh, you guys are crazy." They tried to talk us out of it, and it ended up making a ton of money. By then we just finishing "Empire", and we were absolutely exhausted. But Fox suddenly had dollar signs in their eyes, and they said, "Seth, if you don't do "Jedi", we're not gonna let you leave to go direct your movie."
Title Crawl: I'm sorry. I took a muscle relaxer earlier and it's kicking in. I'm just so stressed because there's been a care parked in front of my house for three straight days and there's a pillow in the back seat. And I've never seen anyone get it or out of it, but moves a couple feet one way or the other each day. Wouldn't it be funny if it was a bunch of raccoons living in there, moving out? You know, with their little paws on the steering wheel? And then another one working the brake and the gas? And the steering wheel raccoon and the pedal raccoon have to talk back and forth to each other 'cause the brake pedal guy can't see the road? I'm gonna keep thinking that, 'cause I know really it's probably a car bum.
Title Crawl: Look, just do me a huge favor and lower your expectations, okay? Just this one time. I promise I'll make it up to you. I mean "Star Wars" , fine. "Empire" - still not bad. But on this one we ran out of gas. Seriously, we let the assistants write it. Hell, even the Fed Ex guy got a joke in, and he calls the baby "Steve." Anyway, here's "Return of the Jedi" starring Steve as Darth Vader.
Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: Master Yoda, is Darth Vader my father?
Carl as Yoda: Yeah, it's either Darth Vader or Paul Reiser, but they don't want to know which one is your real father, so, they're gonna raise you together.
Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: [to Jabba] Greetings, exalted one. It's me, Luke Skywalker. I seek an audience with Your Slimness to bargain for Captain Solo's life. As a token of my good will, I present to you a gift, these two droids.
Glenn Quagmire as C-3PO: Wait a minute, does he have the right to give us away? He just stole us from his dead uncle.
Herbert as Obi-Wan Kenobi: [to Luke] Hey, just for giggles, you wanna poop in Yoda's tiny toilet, pretend he took a giant poop?
Carter Pewterschmidt as Emperor Palpatine: Look at that! Blowing up rebel ships! Bet that gets you going. You hate me now? Come on. Take that lightsaber and try to strike me down, and your journey to the dark side will be complete.
Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: I've seen a lot of ships get blown up. It's no big deal.
Carter Pewterschmidt as Emperor Palpatine: Yeah, I guess that wouldn't get under my skin, either. Not the way Seth Green gets under my skin.
Carter Pewterschmidt as Emperor Palpatine: Yeah. Boy, that guy rubs me the wrong way. I mean, has he ever made anything successful? Greg the Bunny, Four Kings, and that godawful puppet show. It's on, like, channel 100 or something.
Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: Well, I think he's had some successes. Buffy the Vampire Slayer was successful.
Carter Pewterschmidt as Emperor Palpatine: It was not popular. Entertainment Weekly said it was popular, but it wasn't. Hardly anybody watched that show.
Stewie Griffin as Darth Vader: Yeah, I never caught it.
Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: Well, he's been in some big movies. The Austin Power movies grossed, like, a billion dollars.
Carter Pewterschmidt as Emperor Palpatine: What, because of Seth Green? Do you ever hear anyone say, "Hey, looks go see that new Austin Powers, Seth's Green's in it"?
Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: You're not getting to me, man. You're talking about an actor who I happen to enjoy.
Carter Pewterschmidt as Emperor Palpatine: Well, I certainly enjoyed him in Entourage, 'cause in that show he was playing himself, an asshole.
Stewie Griffin as Darth Vader: Give yourself to the dark side, Luke.
Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: I will not fight you.
Stewie Griffin as Darth Vader: Well, all right. I guess that's no problem. I can always get Seth Green to fight me. He'll do anything for money. I mean, did you see Sex Drive? Oh, of course you didn't. You're a person. Of course, I guess it did respectable foreign numbers. Asians really liked it. And you gotta hand it to Seth Green. I mean, he works hard, you know? I mean, the work is much harder when you know the project is no good. Still, all those small paychecks must add up. I wonder if his fan base knows how Jewish he really is.
Stewie Griffin as Darth Vader: [after Luke is injured during the lightsaber duel] We'll be lucky to come out of this without a lawsuit!
Stewie Griffin as Darth Vader: Oh, my God, that was absolute hell! I just... I don't understand why... I mean, we're in a galaxy far, far away, and we still have to change in Atlanta.
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: I know that laugh. It's the 7Up guy.
Cleveland Brown as R2-D2: Oh, Luke! Did you want me to throw you your lightsaber?
Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: Yeah, about 10 minutes ago!
Cleveland Brown as R2-D2: Just so you know, the compartment I keep your lightsaber is in my rectum.
Glenn Quagmire as C-3PO: The mighty Jabba has decreed that you are to be thrown in the Sarlacc pit. There, you will discover a new meaning of pain and suffering as you are slowly digested over 1,000 years.
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: No sweat. I'm bringing a box of All-Bran. I'll be sprayed all over the desert in a week. Right? Big lips on a stick knows what I'm talking about.
Sy Snoodles: Ha! Fiber!
Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: Oh! Can you play the theme from E.T., John Williams?
John Williams: No, but I can do the theme to Entertainment Tonight.
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Hey, take your helmet off. I'll do "got your nose."
Stormtrooper: We're not supposed to take these off, but I really want to see that.
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: What the hell? Your head is so small.
Stormtrooper: Yeah, that's why we wear these big helmets. It's a lot more intimidating.
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: I'll be honest with you. I don't like people who are different.
[shoots Stormtrooper in the head]
Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: How are we gonna get out of here?
Cleveland Brown as R2-D2: Wait a second, guys. I got an idea. Remember that laser I used to break Leia out of Jabba's handcuffs? Well, here comes a little tiny saw!
Mort Goldman as Lando Calrissian: I hate that stupid fish man.
Rallo Tubbs as Nien Nunb: I say when we're done with this, we go over there and fry him up in a skillet.
Stewie Griffin as Darth Vader: What the hell, man? I was gonna make it!
Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: Thanks for watching over me and keeping me safe.
Stewie Griffin as Darth Vader: Fuck you! You murdered me, you ass.
Stewie Griffin: [after the power goes of] Oh god, we're going to do Jedi, aren't we?
John Herbert as Obi-Wan Kenobi: Luke, you have a sister.
Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: A sister? Who is it?
John Herbert as Obi-Wan Kenobi: Who the hell you think it is? Who's the only damn woman in the galaxy?
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Hey, check it out, it's another chick! The only other chick in the galaxy!
Lois Griffin as Princess Leia: I don't like her.
Carter Pewterschmidt as Emperor Palpatine: I thought you should know, young Skywalker, that your friends are walking into a trap.
Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: Wow. You're white? You totally sounded black on the phone.
Carter Pewterschmidt as Emperor Palpatine: Silence! You will turn to the dark side, and your precious rebellion will be destroyed. Oh!
Carter Pewterschmidt as Emperor Palpatine: I'm afraid the shield generator will be quite operational when your friends arrive.
Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: Jeez, you don't have to be a dick about it.
Mort Goldman as Lando Calrissian: Holy shit! That blast came from the Death Star! That thing's operational.
Rallo Tubbs as Nien Nunb: What's that mean?
Mort Goldman as Lando Calrissian: It's fully functional!
Rallo Tubbs as Nien Nunb: I still don't get it. I'm 5.
Mort Goldman as Lando Calrissian: Bang, bang, boom, boom!
Rallo Tubbs as Nien Nunb: Bang, bang, boom, boom? Damn, that thing's operational!
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Hey, Leia, you got a date for the We Just Killed Thousands of People Dance tonight?
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: You do now. Pick you up at 7:00. And save Yub Nub for me. Come to think of it, you can shave your yub nub for me, too! I'll see you at 7:00.
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: All right, everybody, hands in the air! All right. Now I want you to take off your helmets, go outside and dig up your own graves with them.
Lois Griffin as Princess Leia: Han, that's kind of dark.
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Shut up! There's enough cutesy crap in this movie. I think we all need this. Now get outside!